Sometimes I think people just don't know what to do and how to help. People don't understand the condition... and they're too busy trying to feel understood themselves so research or ask.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
They Just Don't Want To Know...
- Post starter Digz
- Start date
- Status
katz
Platinum Member
I was looking thru some of my old conversations and found this one. I hope that it is the right place to talk about a question I have.
When I was growing up, in my teens and 20's, I had a good relationship with my older brother. He helped me understand the feelings that I had. He was in school for psychology and was a great help, especially since he knew the family so well. We talked about all this for years, the family dynamics and how everyone all fits into their places in the family. He was there for me when I found out that a grandfather was one of the people that had hurt me. He helped me thru the funeral and was really there for me. (I had not told him/anyone about the "others".)
As the years went on, our relationship has changed. He became a councelor more, and less my brother. I tried to explain this to him, he laughed and told me that "we" are both here. One day many, many years later--I saw him! My brother! I saw the same face and same laugh that I had missed for so long. I told him and gave him a hug to let him know that "this" was what I had seen go away so many years ago.
That was just a couple of years ago. But, he's gone again. I now see a sober councelor who just happens to be related to me.
That being said, I spoke to him last night on the phone. Our family is getting together to celebrate Fathers day. My husband and I live quite a few miles away and we have never felt that our location is taken into consideration when planning family events. (one family BBQ, we left early so we would be on time-we arrived 15 minutes early. My sister was angry at us for coming early!) We also find that a lot of the celebrations are late on Sundays. Then we have a 40 minute drive home to get up early for work.
So, last night when I finally decided to tell someone that we were upset with the restaurant they chose--even further then my sisters house and later in the day.. He told me that I should not be "thinking with my emotions". That I should not be upset about this since it was fathers day. I should be able to just say "okay" and "deal with it". "Be a grown up".
I thought about this most of last night (couldn't fall asleep). Is he right? Am I letting my emotions out too much? I've been trying to "feel" for so long. I want to mourn my past experiences and cry. Should I just bury it all-again? I don't know what to do. I tend to shut down when the family gets together anyways. I tried to explain this to him. I tried to make him understand that I feel like my spirit was broken long ago and I have learned/taught myself to just lose. I don't want to fight anymore, we were a screaming and verbal fighting family. I would rather lose that argue and speak loudly. He again told me that I was wrong to "think with my emotions". He told me that my spirit was not broken. I told him about the time that I backed down with my sister and she got angry at me because I would not fight/argue with her. And we were adults when this happened.
I don't know what to do. Fathers day is going to be tough on me anyway--family or not.....Is he right? Do I need to just bury the emotions and go on with life? I own a house and have pets and a husband and work 50 hours a week. What am I "not" doing????
I just can't seem to get anyone - but me - to care for, and love the "little me" inside. She is so alone. Maybe I should just give her a hug and say goodbye? Just let her go..??? But doing that will make the grown up "me" even more sad.
(Sorry to drag on like this, but it is very important to me. Thanks for listening)
When I was growing up, in my teens and 20's, I had a good relationship with my older brother. He helped me understand the feelings that I had. He was in school for psychology and was a great help, especially since he knew the family so well. We talked about all this for years, the family dynamics and how everyone all fits into their places in the family. He was there for me when I found out that a grandfather was one of the people that had hurt me. He helped me thru the funeral and was really there for me. (I had not told him/anyone about the "others".)
As the years went on, our relationship has changed. He became a councelor more, and less my brother. I tried to explain this to him, he laughed and told me that "we" are both here. One day many, many years later--I saw him! My brother! I saw the same face and same laugh that I had missed for so long. I told him and gave him a hug to let him know that "this" was what I had seen go away so many years ago.
That was just a couple of years ago. But, he's gone again. I now see a sober councelor who just happens to be related to me.
That being said, I spoke to him last night on the phone. Our family is getting together to celebrate Fathers day. My husband and I live quite a few miles away and we have never felt that our location is taken into consideration when planning family events. (one family BBQ, we left early so we would be on time-we arrived 15 minutes early. My sister was angry at us for coming early!) We also find that a lot of the celebrations are late on Sundays. Then we have a 40 minute drive home to get up early for work.
So, last night when I finally decided to tell someone that we were upset with the restaurant they chose--even further then my sisters house and later in the day.. He told me that I should not be "thinking with my emotions". That I should not be upset about this since it was fathers day. I should be able to just say "okay" and "deal with it". "Be a grown up".
I thought about this most of last night (couldn't fall asleep). Is he right? Am I letting my emotions out too much? I've been trying to "feel" for so long. I want to mourn my past experiences and cry. Should I just bury it all-again? I don't know what to do. I tend to shut down when the family gets together anyways. I tried to explain this to him. I tried to make him understand that I feel like my spirit was broken long ago and I have learned/taught myself to just lose. I don't want to fight anymore, we were a screaming and verbal fighting family. I would rather lose that argue and speak loudly. He again told me that I was wrong to "think with my emotions". He told me that my spirit was not broken. I told him about the time that I backed down with my sister and she got angry at me because I would not fight/argue with her. And we were adults when this happened.
I don't know what to do. Fathers day is going to be tough on me anyway--family or not.....Is he right? Do I need to just bury the emotions and go on with life? I own a house and have pets and a husband and work 50 hours a week. What am I "not" doing????
I just can't seem to get anyone - but me - to care for, and love the "little me" inside. She is so alone. Maybe I should just give her a hug and say goodbye? Just let her go..??? But doing that will make the grown up "me" even more sad.
(Sorry to drag on like this, but it is very important to me. Thanks for listening)
nursenurse
Diamond Member
Alright. Let us think with logic. You live a distance away. You have obligations at home. You are generally working ten hours or more per day. You have voiced your concerns on more than one occasion. It seems no one has taken your concerns to heart. This is for Father's Day, something which you find difficult anyway, and is generally not a biggie on the celebration scale. Although I am sure to some folks it is a big deal. Do what is best for you. I have begged off many times on Sunday night celebrations. The consequences the next day and indeed to the whole work week are generally not worth it. Because your brother has a psych degree does not make him an expert, and certainly not one on you. If you do not have your own, find one. Although I believe he means well, look at it as a conflict of interest.
Politely say "No, that does not work for us." Forget any explanations, wish them a wonderful evening, and enjoy your hubby's and your pets' company. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself first. The adult you and little you both matter. But don't complicate it or overthink it any more than this is truly inconvenient for you, but you wish everyone the best. Hope this makes sense. Good luck!
Politely say "No, that does not work for us." Forget any explanations, wish them a wonderful evening, and enjoy your hubby's and your pets' company. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself first. The adult you and little you both matter. But don't complicate it or overthink it any more than this is truly inconvenient for you, but you wish everyone the best. Hope this makes sense. Good luck!
EveHarrington
VIP Member
@katz
I think your brother is off.
Your argument is logical/rational, based in reality-----it's not a purely emotional one.
Your family is not taking you into account when making plans. Time is a very real constraint in this world. It's understandable that you'd get upset when someone doesn't take your time constraints into account.
It sounds like your brother is yet another "victim" of the counseling profession. What I mean by this------it's when people are all consumed by their role as a therapist that there is no line between professional and personal life and ultimately friends/family turn into clients/patients instead of keeping the original relationship identity (friend, sister, brother, etc).
PS
I think it's odd that your sister got upset that you were 15 minutes early! In my family people all come from greater distances (30+ minutes away) so a 1 pm get together pretty much means "arrive anytime between 12:30 and 1:30 if you can".
I think your brother is off.
Your argument is logical/rational, based in reality-----it's not a purely emotional one.
Your family is not taking you into account when making plans. Time is a very real constraint in this world. It's understandable that you'd get upset when someone doesn't take your time constraints into account.
It sounds like your brother is yet another "victim" of the counseling profession. What I mean by this------it's when people are all consumed by their role as a therapist that there is no line between professional and personal life and ultimately friends/family turn into clients/patients instead of keeping the original relationship identity (friend, sister, brother, etc).
PS
I think it's odd that your sister got upset that you were 15 minutes early! In my family people all come from greater distances (30+ minutes away) so a 1 pm get together pretty much means "arrive anytime between 12:30 and 1:30 if you can".
Blue Survivor
Silver Member
Same here, with my mom! She "forgets" that I have PTSD and does things like excluding me from holidays, pushing my comfort boundries, etc. The sad thing is that she had PTSD for awhile too: after being accidentally run over by her coworker after work she was very nervous walking through parking lots. For 6 months. A two second thing and for six months she had a hard time. I was with my abuser for 10+years and Im expected to be "cured" already,..
katz
Platinum Member
Thank you, Eve. For your words of kindness. I find that having some one else understand--especially outside the family-that I'm not crazy to think this way. As for your PS note. I don't know about you--but if someone, especially a family member comes early to my party, I put them to work. LOL (ex. fill the ice tray, set this on the table for me, etc.) The extra private time is wonderful. I wish I got that from anyone in my family.
Last edited:
katz
Platinum Member
Thank you, Milo's papa. I appreciate your kind words. ()
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
