Sexual Assault Discussing Childhood Sexual Abuse With My Pastor

[The Albatross]

Her pastor's position is one that squares up with my own experiences in my church, at the Y's and even my work with the elderly. Things are taken pretty seriously these days... by necessity.

 

[KeepingTime]

I hurt. I feel as if I may be cheated out of this wonderful experience through no fault of my own,

This is the reason we were all angry in your behalf yesterday. (I assume I am speaking for everyone here) because this is sooooo unjust.

My opinion....I backed off earlier in the thread for several reasons. It's not like you are applying to be a foster parent for some position where you will be completely alone with a child. I really feel this is a very unnecessary process. I have helped with VBS since I was a teen and there are so many people around.

Nevertheless, I am glad that you are fighting back (even if it is with gentle words) and standing up for something you so badly want. And there's no reason you should t be able to do this.

I'm glad for your t appt tomorrow. Maybe this is an opportunity to work through some feelings about things you didn't even know existed. Sometimes we don't know how badly we want something until we are told we can't have it.

Saying a prayer for you this morning. :) cause if chocolate won't fix it...only prayer will! ;)

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, she has not replied to my email of this morning at all. I know she had to have been in her office today and had to have gotten the email, and so I am thinking that was really rude of her not to reply in some fashion. She could have said that she is still praying about it or something, but to have left my heartfelt plea unanswered was heartless, in my opinion. She is going to a church general conference and as far as I remember, she will be leaving for it tomorrow morning and she won't be back until after Sunday, because our pastor in training is giving the sermon this coming Sunday. So I will most likely be left hanging until next week sometime.

I suppose she may ask some folks at the conference their opinion(s) about all this and see what they think. If I were in her shoes, that is what I would do. But I have no way of knowing what she will do there and if she will ask anyone. I have no way of knowing what they would reply if she did ask them. I think what is at the route of all this is that she has seen me at my worst. I had a reaction to Prednisone that never should have been given to me. Bipolar folks are not supposed to have it, but my Dr.s did not know, and I was given it twice, once right after the other! I lost sleep for 5 days and eventually ended up in the Hospital due to this about 4 months ago. I was so confused and out of it and in such a state that no one would ever want someone like that near their kids. The problem is that nothing like this could ever happen to me again. It was due to the medicine that this happened to me. Yes, I was out of my mind! Anyone would have been, just having lost 5 nights of sleep, not to mention the reaction to the drug. When she thinks of me being near the church's kids, she remembers what I was like then and cannot get that picture out of her mind. Being a mother, she does not want me near her kids. It is the mothering instinct at its highest. I think I can understand that, even though my kids are all in Heaven. (I miscarried 7 times). I know what that protective instinct feels like. I feel it and I am comforted, just knowing that my kids are all safe and in God's hands. I can understand that instinct, so I know what I am up against. So I will probably lose this battle, unless prayer pulls us through it. I am beyond being able to pray for myself. I have always found it hard to pray for myself. I can pray for others so easily, but when it comes to praying for me, I am often at a loss for words.

I finally took my "as needed" dose of Clonazepam just now. I take it at bed-time every night, but I have an extra few tabs every month available to me for days like this. I know I needed it this afternoon, once I realized that I won't likely have any answer from her for days to come, if not a whole week! How I will survive this week, I have no clue. But I am very upset, even with the Clonazepam settling in.

Thanks for the prayers. Anyone else that wants to pray for me and the whole situation, please do! I need prayers for peace of mind, for clarity and for oh so much more. Thanks everyone for your support. Sorry this is so disorganized and rambling on. I am upset.

 

[Chimera]

((((Sheilakathy))))

 

[Changing4Best]

I have half a mind to attend a different church this coming Sunday. I fear I may start crying in my church if I go there. I don't want to let all my friends down who attend. It is not their fault! It is one person who is doing this to me, the ONE person I should be able to turn to when I am in distress and I cannot even turn to her! Were it not for all of you here, I would be in worse shape yet. Thanks so much for the :hug: @Chimera I appreciate it. There is a church right down the block from where I live. I have half a mind to walk down there, but I fear I will burst into tears there if I go there. I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do. I am almost in tears now. They won't come though. My tears often get stuck. I was at my grandmother's funeral when I was in 10th Grade (I'm in my mid-60s now) and my other grandfather said "Don't cry" when I was just about ready to cry. Ever since then I have had a really tough time crying. The one other time I was stopped from crying (two tears just finally fell now) was when the Dr. attending my husband told me his organs were shutting down and he was dying and there was nothing they could do about it. I burst into loud sobbing tears then, and he raised his voice to a loud pitch and yelled, "Mrs. Xxxxxxx! Have I done anything to offend you?" I stopped sobbing up short, choking on my tears and answered "No." I am sure he was trying to quiet me down so I would not disturb the other families and patients in the ICU, but it caused me not to be able to cry but one tear at a friend's funeral a year later (I missed my husband's funeral, long story.,...) Anyway, (I forget what I was thinking). Oh well, you get the jist of it anyway. I have a tough time crying because I have been stopped from doing so by heartless men at just the moments in my life when I should have been able to cry the most! Men get really uncomfortable with tears, I know, but they sure messed me up with what they did to me, the 2 of them. I have only been able to cry one other time, and because of that, I got kicked out of the church it happened in. It was 3 days after my father had died and I had not cried in 2 years. And at that time I had only cried one tear, for my mother's death. Needless to say, I have a very tough time being able to cry, so that I could even let loose these 2 tears right now is a miracle. Thanks for reading.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @SheilaKathy , my words might not be helpful, but from what I see, hear, & know of you, you are a very humble person with good intentions in her heart. No matter what others think, choose, don't understand, or may or may not have planned, even with nothing to do with you.

I am quite certain God, who knows all things, knows what is in everyone's hearts & minds & souls.

It also may be that you may be avoiding an unpleasant environment in not working in that capacity, in that church. In my religion, for example, there's a women's group, many good/ great people in it I am certain, good work they do. That being said, I've had 3 or 4 priests over the years tell me don't let them recruit you. I understand, whether it be politics, gossip etc. No big deal, but maybe a better fit in another capacity. People try to pigeon hole who/ what they don't understand. For my part, I try to go to mass each day, for myself also in a beyond-huge way, & have done so for 30 years. My grandma went every day for 70 years, & she was an absolute whirlwind, (in the best way), full of joy too. I remember the women still gossiping, the men still trying to get her to go on dates, when they were all in their 80's/ 90's. Some things never change, if people don't realize the judgments they're leveling. Yes, children must be protected. (Hopefully protected from extremism, prejudice, & ignorance, too.)

You have let no one down. If anything, JMHO, but trauma leaves many people bereft of confidence, & afraid of speaking up, or getting involved, or being seen in any way. So no matter what, you have accomplished much already. Perhaps God has wanted you to feel proud; confident; brave; not ashamed. And you have been & are all of these things.

Hugs & prayers. :hug: :hug:

 

[scout86]

@SheilaKathy, remember, you don't have a reply yet. There are many possible reasons you haven't heard anything. (My T is often slow to reply because he's thinking.) You don't have to decide what to do next until you know where you stand now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sheila, I understand that the waiting is so hard, I too hate any kind of suspense where I am left alone, hanging. You did your best and I think that going to another church might be a good experience for you. The people there do not think that they know you and it will give you peace most likely.

I am really sorry that this happened to you. You are a very caring and kind person and I think that the church went overboard on their being cautious with you.

Bless you Sheila,

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, we have a 24/7 Emotional Crisis phone line here in the area I live in, so I called it. The lady that I spoke to has 4 kids, all grown up now, but all 4 of them attended VBS when they were kids. She said she could relate to my Pastor's reluctance, because if I were to go into a manic or depressive state, I could possibly frighten the children. She feels that this may be the basis of my Pastor's reluctance, to protect me from some kind of reaction to being with 50 children (which is something I have never experienced before) and also to protect the children, who could be somehow affected emotionally if they were to see me go into some kind of altered mental state that could frighten or confuse them.

She suggested that I call my pastor to be assured that she did receive the email I sent her this morning. This way she can be with the full information I have supplied her with, before she goes to the church conference, where we both agreed my pastor will most likely be seeking advice from her superior concerning this whole issue. I feel much better about it all now and I shall call her and ask her if she got my email. I imagine she won't answer, but at least I can leave a voicemail. That is the best I can do.

And the lady at the Emotional Crisis Line said she'd be there until 8PM tonight, if I should need to talk to her between now and then. Then another lady comes on at 8PM.

 

[ladee]

@SheilaKathy, as the God centered person you are , I would like to just gently remind you that the outcome is up to God. If , for what ever reason, you are not accepted into the VBS this summer, it gives you opportunities to expose your self to large numbers of kids at one time...Like being at a fast food place where they have Birthdays, ect. Then you can decide for your self if this is really what you would like to do. And not have someone in 'authority' make that decision for you...
There is nothing wrong with you saying you wanted to do this for yourself... we understand that statement. Apparently the Pastor did not .
But it all comes down to something much more simple.. You took a risk. You put yourself out there. You shared what you were comfortable with..Whether it was helping with VBS or helping at a Day Care. YOU are the one who took the intuitive to apply..If the answer is no,,, maybe the real answer is ,,, not yet... Maybe you have time to expose your self to more children and see how you feel....or you may end up with an opportunity to work with a smaller group of children somewhere... Just because you may not get to do this one, doesn't mean that that door is closed....
Keep in mind that if you go to another church, it is an emotional choice. Not one made with calm judgement on your part...And maybe this is a practice run to see how you will deal with uncertainty...You will end up where you are needed. It's not always our choice... Either way, you are an exceptional loving person.... it will work out how it is supposed to.... Just focus on God's will being done...

 

[Changing4Best]

@ladee When I prayed with the Pastor yesterday, those were the last words I prayed. I prayed, "Father, You know I want to do this, but may Your will be done in this matter." I feel assured that whatever the Lord's will is in this matter, it will be done. In fact, I have no doubt about that, no matter what the Pastor's will is, no matter what my will is, the Lord's will, will be done in this matter!

 

[ladee]

And I know that is how your spiritual life works .... I hate that this has been an unnerving experience for you, but if nothing else, it is preparing you for something your heart desires... prayers and hugs.