Constant? No. Daily? Yes. For roughly the last 4 years.
Most of the time they're fleeting. Sometimes they last hours.
***
My first 5 year run being highly symptomatic, there was a near constant for several years, and I also acted on them. Regardless of where I was at on the spectrum (suicidal ideation to suicidality). Probably the best way my level of near-constant could be put was Death-wish. I was crazy as f*ck. Kept doing more and more insane BS, and kept somehow surviving it. By luck, not skill. As I started getting better I simply stopped caring if I lived or died. Still did a whole lot of insane shit. But I didn't seek it out, anymore, and wasn't disappointed or angry to come out the other side, or wake up. Well. Still breathing. Okay, then. What's next?
((I often wonder at people when they say they don't care if they lived or died. Do they mean it? Like really mean it? During my years spent there I could -and did- have conversations with a gun to my head as cooly as I would have a conversation drinking espresso. Before I got to the point of not caring, I'd be provoking the person holding it to pull the trigger. Once I actually started to prefer living? Before I even wanted to live, but merely preferred it? Shazaam! Adrenaline rush. Whew! That'll wake ya up in the morning! But the not caring? I've found that most people, when death is shoved down their throat -whether it's a gun to the face, or a cancer diagnosis, or dangling into thin air- suddenly find either a desire to live or a fear of death. My rule, though, is to take people at their word, until proven wrong. Keeps shit simple. And if they're exaggerating, that's on them. Because different shit works in those 3 different situations; death wish, don't care one way or the other, or apathy. And that's what some SI to not caring until death is actually on the table really is; an apathy for life, not a desire for death. Threaten someone who's actually suicidal with death? Goodnight Irene. Threaten someone whose real problem is apathy? Look ma! We've got traction! Anyhow. I digress. My real point being, I break this shit down really specifically, because I've lived in the dark a long time, and there are some real serious degrees to where the dark can take me, and vastly different coping mechanisms "work" depending on where I'm really at.))
This time, it's a very different thing. I'm a helluva lot more self aware, for one thing, and I've been working my ass off to not let myself go where I very easily go given even just a little bit of slack. Last time it was near constant, and I ran with it. This time it's fleeting to hours, and I fight it really really hard.
***
In between my first 5 years symptomatic & this 4 year run... I had about a decade where I was virtually asymptomatic. Even ideation was an exceptionally rare thing. At most maybe a few times a year, and more often years in between.
That's part of what I'm working towards in getting my symptoms under control / dealing with and managing my PTSD. My SI is very strongly and clearly linked for when my PTSD is out of hand. Once I get that managed, again, I would be very much surprised if the SI stuck around existing on its own.
