Feeling That My T Don't Understand Me

[Hope1969]

@Hope1969 , and that is because you are.

We sense/know/feel when someone is 'with...

You know what, you are right! In the beginning when the abuse came out and it was vague body sensations or dreams she used to tell me things like:" oh I am so sad for you " or when I started to see the abuser in the flashbacks she said : "it's heart breaking". And I knew 100% that she is with me. But now when the flashbacks are becoming more accurate and terrible and I almost can't speak when I tell her the respond is.. Well I already wrote about it. Maybe it's too difficult for her... I don't know. But those responses make me feel worse like she is leaving me alone in the room. Maybe it is too difficult for her.

I think I will speak with her about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sounds like between the content of her comments & no emotion expressed it leaves you feeling as you have @Hope1969 .

Judith Herman described it very well - you need someone as a witness to what happened to you, and not as a witness to what you are saying, and there is one hell of a big difference.

^^ Wow yes, I suppose this.

My opinion about it doesn't mean much, because Idk much about this stuff, but I wonder if because of always minimizing or ignoring or denying stuff, an actual emotional reaction by someone else to us helps us give ourselves permission to feel that way too? Like if I don't think I should say something or it shouldn't be a 'Big Deal' to me (but I'm feeling awful, or even numb, & hiding it), & then I 'put it out there' & someone says it's wrong or sad or awful, or gets angry etc about it (not at me), I might feel embarassed or surprised or, "It IS awful, then?" .'Validated', I guess, if that's what they mean by that term.

 

[Hope1969]

Sounds like between the content of her comments & no emotion expressed it leaves you feeling as you have...

Hi. Tnx for the reply. I am not sure I understood the second part of your answer. About validation. Can you explain again ?

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I can give an example, re: validation. I have a hard time calling or 'quantifying' others' actions as abuse, or also sexual assault (& it's not dependent on the severity of the actions). I also have a hard time feeling my needs or thoughts or opinions or reactions (feelings) are justifed, & I have a hard time saying a problem is as bad as it is, or am coping with it really, really poorly. Usually I minimize big things. Well, I recall once feeling/ thinking, "this is abusive- I think?" (more than once, if I include the sexual assault things etc), & feeling really badly (SI) about it, though ignoring/ denying that. Hard to explain: acting on the Si as a solution to it, but saying to myself, "Never mind, no problem, I'll just do (x) if there's no wy to keep bearing it", when ignoring the impact / feelings didn't work. Not anger but fear. Well when I said a bit, & also seeing/ hearing other stuff, the person got mad (but nota t me) & basically said, "Damn right it is". Which though I wasn't angry, made me feel 1. It is abuse/ inappropriate of the other person- I'm not 'making something out of nothing' , 2. It's not right/ not my fault and 3. No wonder then I do feel afraid etc, . And well, frankly, it really is a problem.

Sometimes the problems are huge, sometimes small, but validation still feels less alone, maybe validates feelings/ perceptions, too?

Not sure if that's helpful @Hope1969 . :(

 

[Hope1969]

Well I can give an example, re: validation. I have a hard time calling or 'quantifying' others' actions...

You mean that if you see the same thing happen to someone else and the other person say it's abuse - only than- you feel it's abuse?

I feel the same in a way. Sometimes I tell my T very difficult things with a smile. And when she say that she is so sad for me, after few hours I suddenly realize that something terrible happened and I become sad. I feel through her. In delay.

You know what? It's interesting. In the last meetings when I told her about the new "memories". I felt the emotions very strongly. So she didn't need to feel them for me. and yet I needed the emotional validation. Just to know that I am not alone.

 

[sun seeker]

I need her to be more human. "I am sorry that you had to experience that" will work for me. If she is "professional" in my most sensitive moments I feel unseen.

I would feel that way too, and find the neutral response very unhelpful. I was unseen for most of my life; I don't need a therapist to not see me, too!

Just so you know, there are lots of therapists who do respond the way you are saying you would have liked. I wonder, could you tell her what would have been more helpful? You won't know if she is capable of it unless she knows that's what you are looking for. Then, if she still doesn't act more spontaneous, you'll know you aren't going to get that from her and can look for a therapist more suited to your needs.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Active listening is such a good thing when it's subtle and feels human. There needs to be a degree of emotional availability for it to work - I don't want my therapist to break down I me, but hearing compassion in their voice or frustration in their voice can be validating. Plus, it feels human. When they robotically reply, it makes me think that they are afraid of the material, as there isn't an emotional engagement on their part.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am much the same @Hope1969 , except (other than further processing) there is no delay. If anything, maybe I feel a bit surprised?

Except for this:

You mean that if you see the same thing happen to someone else and the other person say it's abuse - only than- you feel it's abuse?

Not for others, I know it's abuse done to them if I see others abused or they say so. Calling it 'abuse' (done to me ie for myself, my situations/ life) is more difficult.

Or like, having compassion for others, not for yourself, kind of thing. That kind of difficulty.

 

[sun seeker]

When they robotically reply, it makes me think that they are afraid of the material, as there isn't an emotional engagement on their part.

When they are more spontaneous most of the time and then suddenly act like robots, it could be because the subject matter is something they have issues with in their own lives and haven't yet worked through, so they aren't able to be emotionally available in that specific area without breaking down (countertransference). I wonder if this could be the case with this therapist?

 

[Hope1969]

When they are more spontaneous most of the time and then suddenly act like robots, it could be becau...

The first thing she told me when I told her about the abuse was that it never happened to her. It was in a context which I don't remember at the moment. So I don't think this is the issue. ( although at the time I thought that it was strange she told me)

On other issue with my mother , before the abuse came out, she said she knows well this kind of pain ( it was also strange but she feels very comfortable with herself so I guess this is who she is).

 

[Hope1969]

I am much the same @Hope1969 , except (other than further processing) there is no del...

I am the same. I see abuse everywhere but when it comes to me I don't see it.

 

[Sideways]

Sometimes I think it would be nice if my T could fill the Mother role...and then my Attachment Issues alarm goes off!!

If I'm being honest with myself, it isn't really always about validation. That assumes that I have an emotional response to something I've said and I'm looking for cues from my T that my feelings are valid.

Actually, what's usually happening for me is I'm looking for cues on what emotional response is appropriate. I share something big, and my emotions are buried so deep that I'm looking to my T for cues on whether that should make me angry, or sad, or...

Validation is good. But deciding it's okay to feel a particular way because of how my T feels isn't helpful. Processing trauma is as much about processing my emotions as it is about the memories themselves. I need to learn how to identify my feelings, and give myself permission to feel them, regardless of how my T responds. He wasn't there, so his feelings may often be different to my own. It's my feelings rather than his that I need to process, and I need to start giving myself permission to feel however I feel. That's less about validation and more about trusting myself and honouring my own feelings, regardless of whether my T feels the same way...