General Adult Children Of Undiagnosed Ptsd Sufferers

[LittleMongoose]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum and so thank you all in advance for your patience!

I am having trouble finding resources that fit where I'm at and would greatly appreciate any help you may be able to offer.

I'll try and do my personal experience in a nutshell if that helps. I don't have PTSD but a couple of years ago one of my parents was diagnosed with it which, was the result of an incident that took place before my parents even got together. In all the years that followed, my parent suffered with PTSD without realising it. Thankfully they have now got the help they need and I am now able to support them better as I understand how it has affected them, why they were so hypervigilant and overprotective of us when we were growing up. For this I am very grateful.

However, now I am sorting out my own "stuff" and I am just coming to realise how some of it stems from growing up in that environment. (Just so you all know, I am implying no blame here at all! But it is what it is and it did have an effect on me that I have a responsibility to deal with). I, as a child, became the emotional anchor for my parent. The problem I am having is that I can't find any resources that seem to match my experience. What I can find is resources for parents with PTSD, children with PTSD or children with a PTSD suffering parent or who suffered abuse as a result of PTSD in a parent and, while I have been affected, abuse was (thankfully) never a part of my experience. I feel fortunate that whatever our problems our home was very loving.

I think what I'm getting at is that there are things from my childhood that I need to heal so that we can be healed as a family and I'm having trouble finding things that can help me help myself with that, if that makes sense?

If anyone has any advice, links or similar experience they would like to share I would be very, very grateful.

Have a wonderful day!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome @LittleMongoose!

We have all kind of supporters here... partners, friends, parents, and children. Hopefully you'll find some comfort here :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Wish I could help but have no adequate recommendations. Was your dad in the Service? The VA possibly. Or in general, explanations of ptsd for children.

I think I was in the same situation. But he died. I read an article for children that helped me greatly as an adult. It must be on here somewhere.

I, as a child, became the emotional anchor for my parent.

Me as well, very much so. ^^

Welcome to you. I love your name! Made me laugh. :)

 

[mamachick]

Welcome. I know you may not agree with what I have to say, at least at first, but I think it is at least worth reading some of the informtion before ruling it out. I would suggest seeking a group that is for ACOA Adult Children of Alcoholics. There is a lot of information on the internet of characteristic. I know that you do not feel you were abused and that is something that only you can decide, and not all ACOA's feel abused. A similar is Co-Dependency group.

You sound very protective of your parents and that is to be admired. Being an emotional anchor growing up is a tough role to play, often similar to children of alcoholics. The reason may be different and no fault of their own, but none the less, having adult responsibility of anchor as a child is not healthy and has long term effects.

I was a parent to my mother at a young age. She was hypervigilint. She likely had ptsd, deninate depression and anxiety and became alcoholic, though stopping many yrs during her life, it was the thinking not the drinking. When I was an adult, she was so cautious that if I told her I was taking my kids to the pool she would warn me about drownings. Drunk=reckless, Sober=over cautious. In my younger years, I dismissed her warnings of the world and that put me at risk (not wanting to be like her). Yet it was instilled in me, which I suppose created anxiety or awfulizing type thinking at times. I am sure that with a more realistic model, I would have known how to take healthy risks and still be safe, such as going off to college or certain hobbies or sports. Everything is a gamble, but life is skewed when you grow up as the anchor and with such hypervigilence. I am not blaming, as I said, I know that it was not her fault and think she likely self medicated.

With the exception of the above, I dont know of other sources. Again, welcome here to the forum and I hope you find some answers and a place that you feel is a fit.

 

[Tinyflame]

I remember reading it would have helped to know it wasn't your (our) fault. and their emotions, or lack of expressing them- not our fault

Yes I agree @brat17 , Personally I was thinking, I can't talk to a T partly because it feels very disloyal/ (and judgmental, & not an accurate picture because not complete. And ungrateful.). I don't mean to suggest anyone else is to blame but me for my life, but it's hard to disclose or address interpersonal trauma without referencing other humans. :(

It reminds me, I'm not a Taylor Swift fan, but there's some line of ",, made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter".

 

[mamachick]

Junebuy-like the Tayolor Swift line

 

[LittleMongoose]

Welcome @LittleMongoose!

We have all kind of supporters here... partners, frien...

Thanks Sweetpea76, I already feel like I am among friends :)

 

[LittleMongoose]

Wish I could help but have no adequate recommendations. Was your dad in the Service? The VA possibly. Or...

Hi Junebug, thank you so much for sharing your experience. In answer to your question no, neither of my parents were in the forces but both were victims of abuse, one as a child and the other in adulthood so violence was definitely a contributing factor but in a different context. I also related to what you said about feeling disloyal by going into therapy as it feels like blaming and all the other reasons you mentioned above. There are a few people in my family who are either in therapy or awaiting therapy for the same reasons as I am now seeking your advice but if I consider it seriously for myself it feels selfish. Even though I know it not to be the case, the feeling is still hard to shake.

Thank you again for sharing and I wish you all the very best. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone.

Glad the name gave you a laugh :)

 

[LittleMongoose]

Welcome. I know you may not agree with what I have to say, at least at first, but I think it is at least...

Hi Brat27, thank you for your reply. Actually, what you have said makes an awful lot of sense and I almost feel a bit silly that I didn't think about it myself lol I am also the child of an alcoholic (though not the same parent) and I think that I forget that because I don't remember most of it and I was still quite young when they stopped drinking. I think that maybe because the parent I felt the most responsible for wasn't the alcoholic, I forget it's significance and that those things do actually apply to me. I relate to what you say about the thinking not the drinking (with both parents) and from what you have said it sounds like our experience is very similar with regards to hyper vigilant parents and how we responded to it. I thank you very much for sharing this. At a quick glance, I think that the resources you suggest will be very useful to me especially as they seem to be throwing the net wider, that children of generally dysfunctional families are affected in basically the same ways as those where alcoholism is the key issue. It is something I will seriously look into. Thank you so much again for your advice and for sharing your story.

All the very, very best :)

 

[mamachick]

You are very welcome LittleMongoose. Please dont feel silly. When you are trying to deal with so much, it is so easy to overlook. I just could relate to so much of what you are saying. I try to attend a local ACOA group and it is very helpful, and some other members do have ptsd, but that isnt really the common ground.Early on, I met many people who were very protective of parents as it seemed like group therapist was criticizing them. (back in the 80's) so a bit hesitant to suggest. I got into this a very long time ago, before diagnosed with ptsd, and have forgiven any ill parenting as I know it was not intentional and all did they best they knew how given their circumstance. I do think that the hyper vigilence has caused me to be more constricted. The over responsibility has caused me to have too big of conscience, or as therapist calls it, (I think) over active super ego. Good part is there is so much support, hope, and ability to re-learn. Not saying easy, but very promising and I am most grateful.

I hope you stick around and learn more about the ptsd and am so glad that the parent being diagnosed has helped you to be more supportive, but please don't forget how to give yourself the support you need. Wishing you the best!

 

[The Albatross]

Precious little I've ever found, I was encouraging a friend with 2 masters to write a book on the topic, but so far it's a no go... she's got her own issues (physical) to deal with. Hope you get some solid respondents with some resources though.

 

[LittleMongoose]

Thanks Brat17, again I can really relate so thank you once again for sharing your experience! I've got a lot of thinking to do over my next steps but feel really reassured for the support of all of you that have responded. Thank you :)