Sufferer Rebuilding My Life...

[Deleted member 33052]

@ladee I'm finding it difficult to focus on myself. Well, not really. I'm enjoying it more and more. I honestly believe that at this point in time, I could walk away from all of it. I have no idea where this is coming from, but I find it a bit scary.

My husband and children simply cannot understand my isolation (which is fairly minor compared to how I would like it to be), and that I'll be a better person for having done it.

I think I'm feeling some resentment toward them. I feel that they made no effort to understand what I've been going through, and now, a year later, they think I should be *over it * ...sigh...

 

[ladee]

It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done... this ugly dance with PTSD... it's not fun, we don't look good doing it. we don't feel joy while doing it.... but do it we must in order to have any kind of life that matters. Whether the family is around or not....

This will sound hard and lacking in compassion,,, but it's more like truth.. it really doesn't matter if any one on the planet understands or supports us... If you want to leave... get very clear that it has nothing to do with them, understanding or not understanding. Supporting you or not supporting you...It is about you making a choice about your life. No blame, no shame, no pay-back, no punishment.... Just pack up and go...

Do you know what you are looking for when you leave? What do you want your life to look like when you are no longer having all the responsibility of them?

I call it 'picking your pain'... staying has pain and things going on that you are going to have to stretch to understand, hitting the road has things you will have to stretch to understand....
Is there a way you can take a 'leave of absence" for awhile? Leaving the door open for your return? If that is what you need to do...

I do understand... When my PTSD hit the fan, I was getting out of drug rehab, trying to stay clean and sober with a misogynist husband and two sons following his lead...The emotional abuse just from this man alone kept me so confused and shamed. I just couldn't get it together fast enough for them....as you said... I really needed to 'get over it'.... I remember to this day how that hurt me and how it played so many roles in abandonment, and mental abuse of my childhood... so much to figure out... and trying to stay sober on top of it all... I wonder sometimes if I had it to do over, should I have left?I think, it would have been so much easier on everyone involved... but then I wonder how I would have dealt with the guilt? I'll never know... because I am a 'runner' by nature'.... if it gets too large and I start to feel like a burden, or I am just overwhelmed and can't figure things out... I want to leave..
I want to head out right now as a matter of fact... there is no one but me... divorced that asshole, my boys are grown with their own families.... who cares... just take off..

So when it comes down to it... most choices are about picking our pain... and ya, we get over the guilt, the shame, and find our self....without all the noise and chaos of families.... but like I said... make sure it is because this is the best thing for you... not to punish the family for not being able or willing to understand... mine didn't. They still don't... but I have all of you.. so whether we are on the road. or with them... where ever we go, there we are...

I do understand, and I know what turmoil you mind, body and soul are in right now... make the choice that is right for you... it is not a big deal that others 'understand our choices'.... but we have to... to make things right with our self...

You have my absolute support what ever you choose.... it is your life... your choices.. all choices have consequences.... good and bad... staying or leaving. I have been where you are... I am there now under different circumstances..... but leaving is always and option... just be good to yourself while you are deciding... and making sure you can live with the choice... both have a down side... just know you are loved and supported, no matter what... hope some things come together to help you make your choice... this is a hard one... no matter what... lots of gentle hugs for you... you will do what is right for you... and no judgement here !!!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You're amazing, @ladee, simply amazing. Your words pierced me like an arrow! In a good way, though.

I'm a natural runner, too. Have been since I was about 10. I think that may be why I don't like *stuff*, possessions that make me feel anchored. Maybe you and I should pull a Thelma and Louise. I'll leg-wrestle you for the hot, young, Brad Pitt lookalike. ;)

In all seriousness, you've spoken the words that I've been edging my way around. Now that they're out in the open, I can roll them around in my brain for a while. Perhaps if I give myself permission to do whatever it takes to recover, I won't feel so trapped. I just have to learn how to disregard my feelings of guilt and inadequacy about parenting and partnering.

 

[ladee]

We are going to be dead a lot longer than we will be alive... so do what you need to do. Either way... be clear about what you want and need... since we have so rarely had our needs met by others... whether we choose people in our life that just can't, or it's some sort of Karmic joke....for some of this Country Fair ride, I want a turn... I want to be happy... I dont want to step on people for that to happen.... but have shared before what my credo is.... Lead me, Follow me, Or get the f*ck out of my way..... Meaning... Lead me if you have something to teach me, Follow me if I have something you think I can teach you... but do not try and stand in my way simply because you do not understand, or care to understand what my life is about and what I need....

So mull it over Cap'n... give it time... if you make an emotional choice... it will not stick... so take your time.... and I'll pass on the Thelma and Louise gig, but we can go to the Grand Canyon if you ever make it to the States.... that's a promise !! Love and hugs.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy.
Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy.
Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy.
Empathy. Empathy.
Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy.
Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy. EmpathyEmpathyEmpathyEMPATHYEmpathyEmpathyEMPATHYEmpathyEmpathyEmpathy.

********************************* E.M.P.A.T.H.Y. ************************************

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm pissed off. Who among us has the right to withhold empathy?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Wow, that was nasty. I know better than to post when I'm angry. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

Who among us has the right to withhold empathy?

Don't understand your question.

On the other hand, who has the right to demand empath from another person? "I demand you give me empathy!"------no, that doesn't sound quite right.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Empathy can't be demanded. It can only be given freely. Acknowledgement can be demanded, never empathy.

When I talk about withholding empathy, I mean when people don't see each other as fellow humans - when they feel no regard for the feelings of well-being of the person standing in front of them. That disregard invites hate and fear.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I can't express myself when I'm upset. There's a disconnect between my brain and my hand. :p

Without empathy, people can kill each other with no thought of what they're taking from the world. Without empathy, people can hate each other because of the colour of their skin, their gender and sexual orientation, their accents, their ethnicity, their dis/abilities, their spiritual beliefs, their education and salary, or even which side of the street they live on. And it's ok, because without empathy, their victims are subhuman. They're not real. They don't have hopes and dreams, they don't have families and pets waiting for them to come home, they don't exist inside their bodies.

We will never find peace until we all regard our fellow creatures with empathy.


I'm frustrated and I'm sad. For all of us. :'(

 

[Deleted member 33052]

So, on Sunday, our dear little dog, Reese (I posted a photo of him in media a while back) suffered an injury and was in a lot of pain. We got him in to the emergency vet (I wonder if that sounds as expensive as it is...) for tests and learned that short, long-bodied dogs like him are prone to spinal injuries - often from jumping on and off furniture, which our little guy did all the time. The x-rays showed that he had extensive damage, and surgery was required to fix it, and even then it was a $6,000 crap shoot.

We can't afford the surgery, so we took him home well-supplied with various drugs after promising the vet we would keep him still and never let him jump again. Well, that was easier said than done. The next morning, his back legs were paralyzed. He was shivering in a pool of urine. We cleaned him up and bought puppy pads. Thanks to all of the drugs, he seems to be pain-free right now. He can't stand being out of my sight, and if I leave him alone, someone has to stay with him. Otherwise, he will try to follow me. Two days ago, after watering the garden, I came in to find my husband sitting on the floor in tears as my little dog slowly dragged himself down the hallway.

My kids have been doing a lot of googling and find one miracle after another of dogs healing themselves from paralysis. So... They think we can wait this out.

I need a break.... I know what I need to do. I know how badly it will hurt, and I know I will always wonder...

 

[Deleted member 33052]

It's almost 4:00 and I can't sleep. Back to the vet tomorrow to hear that he has made no progress. He deserves so much better and I can't stop crying. :'(