Sufferer Just Trying To Pass As Normal

[Gamera3000]

Hello!

I am a 39 year old married woman with a toddler, dogs, cats, a house. I have a degenerative neurological disease that leaves me technically disabled, but at this point that doesn't have much of an impact on my life. Sometimes I can't drive and need help around the house. I got long term disability to supplement SSD when I was working, so I can't complain about being disabled. I'm lucky. I'm a neurodiversity (pro-autism) researcher, a sociologist. I like to say that that means I don't DO anything at all.

I started therapy a couple of months ago because I noticed that my son is starting to notice that I don't always behave normally to things. I want to pass as normal around him and as his mom. I can't say that I've put a lot of thought into making my PTSD disappear. I don't believe it can.

I experienced and saw I guess all forms of abuse as a child and as an adult. I think maybe what I struggle with the most are suppressing physical reactions when people touch me or if my toddler gets rambunctious and play-hits. People notice that and I wish they didn't. I wish I could control my reactions better.

I have come to believe that for me personally, what is inside doesn't matter. I would never recommend that kind of personal adjustment to anyone else, but I found that it works for me. I suck it up and keep going. If I were to focus on my inner state, maybe I struggle the most with failing to protect people around me, who ended up dying or being terribly abused because I didn't do enough, didn't do anything, or chose to save myself instead of them. Surviving came at a great personal cost. In my heart, I don't think I believe that a person can survive certain things and come out from it intact.

I'm here in hopes that I can learn to get a little better, behave a little more normally. Thanks for reading.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

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[sedna]

Hello!

I am a 39 year old married woman with a toddler, dogs, cats, a house. I have a degenerative...

Hi there Gamera!

I'm fairly new here and have been amazed at how helpful its been, I wasn't expecting that at all when I showed up out of curiosity. I hope you find it helps you a lot also.

I know what you mean about trying to control reactivity around your baby and worrying about people noticing and not understanding. I really struggled with that also, my kids are teenagers now though. It's a lot of nurturing and consistency you have to give with babies and pets, that's hard for people that have inconsistent bodies and minds, especially if you're not getting nurtured enough yourself.

I have MS but am usually pretty functional, its almost always the PTSD that makes me unable to live normally when I'm not doing well.

Glad to meet you here! :)

 

[intothelight]

@Gamera3000 Welcome to the forum! :)

In my heart, I don't think I believe that a person can survive certain things and come out from it intact.

Trauma impacts different people in different ways, but even if it "breaks" you it doesn't mean that becomes a permanent state. It is coming to terms with the effect of that impact and accepting the changes. I found that change was "bad" it was just different than it was before.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

 

[Gamera3000]

@intothelight

That's a good way to look at it. Thank you.

 

[Gamera3000]

@coco9

Hi Coco! What I have is a rare disease, but it is very much like MS. Good to meet a friend who understands both angles!

 

[Tinyflame]

I struggle the most with failing to protect people around me, who ended up dying or being terribly abused because I didn't do enough, didn't do anything, or chose to save myself instead of them. Surviving came at a great personal cost. In my heart,

Yes. I as well.

People notice that and I wish they didn't. I wish I could control my reactions better.

Yes but, your life is not their business, & really not their business to judge. They need to get better educated/ less ignorant. Just like you must have seen others grossly misunderstood often, working with autism.

Welcome & peace to you. You are very brave. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)