When researching this experience I found that it is called "internalizing", and it is usually a good sign.
Wow Vandya... You say it has taken you a while to express this - but now that you have done so, you have done a great job putting this into words. In a concise manner, to boot! My post here is rambling and I apologize for that in advance.
Let's see. I am extremely close to my therapist, I depend on him, and sometimes I have worried that is unhealthy... When I get scared he might be mad at me, etc, that is where I am vulnerable PTSD-wise. At these times I need actual feedback. I would love to get to a point that you describe here. I have not heard of "internalizing" before but it does sound healthy. It sounds like you know, very deeply, that your therapist is there for you. That is SO important, I think to have successful therapeutic relationship - well, depending on what kind of therapy you are doing. But the therapy that has been working for me has pretty much required me to put trust another person. I would not hold out much hope for improvement if I didn't have Mike!
The difference for me is, when I have a crisis of confidence or some such, I often text my therapist. He's extremely tolerant of this. I have very little in terms of a support system - not even much in the way of friends to blow off steam - so sometimes I can take advantage of the fact that we have similar ways of thinking, so we can communicate at different levels at different times. I can be funny on purpose...and just have someone to understand my observations on life. (I imagine sometimes I am funny by accident too but I try not to dwell on that side of things. ; )
If I really need to contact him, we have a simple system. But other than that, I know he's there via text message. Sometimes I just ramble.... I used to be a writer by profession; I stay away from social media but somehow I feel "safe" sending texts to Mike.... I am so so SO lucky. I have had horrible therapists in the past. I didn't even know it, until I got someone that truly helps me. I've been seeing him for about ten years now, off and on, and I think I could say anything to him. Maybe one or two things I would find embarrassing! :) But he has seen me at my worst, and I try to tell him things that I don't like to talk about, so he gets a full picture. This is something important in my own therapy. I know everyone's therapeutic relationships vary, also depending on what type of therapy you're doing. CBT has been nothing but a failure for me. I need someone to talk to, have a back and forth. And finally that is what I've got. We fit. And again... I cannot express how grateful I am to have that in my life.
I imagine it is what a child feels when they know their parents love them.
I don't know if it happens because of the therapist's therapy style, or the therapist's personality, or all of the above, mixed with the personality of the client. That is why I am asking. I hadn't heard of it before, in this way.
Sometimes clients hear their therapist's kind words in their mind when they are away from their therapist-that is another form of internalizing.
So, I wish I could hear his kind words in my mind....but I am lucky to get his kind words via text message, at times.
I think it's a personality thing, absolutely. I do think that the type of therapy makes somewhat of a difference, but so does the type of person. I can occasionally tell when something's wrong in HIS life, and we do not spend therapy time on that, for the most part, but sometimes we end up chatting after a session. It helps in multiple ways - calms me down from anything upsetting... He leaves about a ten minute window to "put me back together" at the end of a session, get me out of there and into my car to leave, that is part of therapy, but sometimes we go on to chat if he has time. It is personality and style.
Some therapists are strict. Some are loose. This is loose and this works for me. Mike is a talented therapist, though, and I think he would be able to respond in a more clean-cut, impersonal way if that is what a patient needed from him. He mostly works with children though and I imagine that would be very difficult to be clear cut (he just likes when he can conduct therapy while playing basketball... He IS a goof. But in a good way, or good for me.)
The terms that seem to apply to me, that I know from searching online, are "transference" and "counter-transference". I can't explain those, but you should be able to get the idea if you google it. For a long time I worried about this, that having a relationship outside the strict boundaries of a therapeutic relationship was automatically bad.
Instead, it's good. It's... Well if you want to quit reading here, I understand! But you DID ask... :)This is a lot of very specific info about me personally and is not a commentary on how anyone else's therapy should be conducted.... And my context is very specific - because my initial abuser was my much-older brother. My brother and I put a relationship back together, we were true friends for a number of years, but then we grew apart in a way that I can't handle. He takes care of his wife's emotional problems and he does not have room for me. I recently cut off all ties, because I was putting so much time and energy into our relationship and he simply did not reciprocate. So that has required a lot of therapeutic support, and again I am lucky it fits right in with the personality of my therapist. I end up being the tag-along kid! I don't know if I could survive the separation from my brother if I did not have this sort of backup arrangement.
He is different things to me at different times and I think that flexibility might be the key factor.
Because of all these things... Mike is a great surrogate big brother, which is exactly what is missing in my life right now. Of course we do work that is more traditional and therapeutic in its way, also. So.... this is my very long way of saying yes, I think I understand the experience you describe. I have similar but not identical experiences on this one. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to reflect on this, I'm sorry if I veered too far from "internalizing" into "transference".
