I hope this is an appropriate place for this post. I frequently find myself in a lot of distress. I'm 37 and I haven't worked since I was 30, and I've been on SSDI. I lived in poverty for most of my 20s. I was always either unemployed or underemployed, and only in low-wage jobs. I had a few health problems and racked up a lot of bills. I racked up credit card debt during times I had no income or very little income. I didn't have home internet, I wore cheap clothes. I lived in tiny, disgusting apartments, one of which was filled with black mold. I ate food from food banks. During that time, I got rejected from over 700 jobs. It was devastating and I finally crumbled under the pain and rejection of it. I went to grad school because I thought it would make me a better job candidate, but all it did was get me rejected from higher paying jobs at nicer companies.
My entire self-esteem is wrapped up in having a career. I've never been pretty or attractive and I don't really have any special talents, and while I'm smart I'm not notably smart, and really all I wanted was a nice job and a normal apartment. I've never considered getting married or anything, I just wanted to work. I did get some jobs, but they were mostly terrible -- either I was mistreated or underpaid or the job was just a bad fit for me. The first full-time job I got after years of looking was over 50 miles away, paid less than the current minimum wage here, and I had a really bad workplace bullying situation which caused me to leave after six months. I had a couple of jobs I liked but they were temp jobs that ended after three or four months. I was with seven temp agencies and hardly got anything. I was unable to have hobbies or much of a social life during this era because all I did was look for jobs and apply for jobs. I'm sure I was known as "That girl who can never get a job" in my social circle because this went on for years and everyone who knew me knew about my job search. I spent a lot more time looking for jobs than I would have spent working if I'd just had a job. It consumed me and caused a lot of stress in my life. I eventually ended up homeless because I ran out of options and resources.
I've also just had what I can only call bad luck. My original career choice was in the sciences, and I had my eye on a specific job but I needed more course work. I actually had the highest paying job of my life at age 24 and I was doing well at it. My mom offered to pay for me to take the classes I needed because part of why I hadn't finished them was because I had to drop out of classes when she had an accident and I had to go out of state to take care of her. Unfortunately, my job conflicted with my classes, so I quit my job at my mom's insistence and she said she would support me for a school year. I mulled over this for WEEKS and thought I made the right decision. She died five weeks later, and HA HA turns out that unbeknownst to me my already-rich brother robbed her while she was dying so I was left with nothing and I couldn't even finish the classes I needed as planned (I couldn't get financial aid). There was nothing I could do. That was in 2003 and I never got back on my feet. I couldn't even mourn properly because I was too busy trying to find work. Frankly, I'm surprised I made it to 2009 without losing my home and my mind.
The reason I'm writing this is while it's not the source of my PTSD, it has consumed my life even though I haven't worked for 7 years. I can't talk to people because everyone wants to ask what I do for a living. Even anyone mentioning a job interview or a raise or salary negotiations sends me into a downward spiral. If anyone talks about getting a promotion, I immediately get suicidal thoughts. I cry and hyperventilate about this frequently.
A few months ago someone I know in a similar situation got a work-from-home job. Their supervisor recommended me for a position, and he told me that they were really desperate for people. It took me three days to fill out the application because it was so profoundly upsetting to me. I got rejected again and it was supposed to be essentially a sure thing!
Pre-2009 me was actually a good employee in the right environment, I just was never able to convince hiring managers of that. "You interviewed really well, but we found someone with more experience." Recently, I signed up with vocational rehab because I know in my heart that I will never accept myself even slightly if I'm not working. I know that's silly and I wish I could move past it, but I wanted to work. And...I've basically sabotaged myself. I know I'm not able to work. Even three years ago I could have, but I've had several major stressors recently and it's impossible now. I cry when I talk about jobs and there's no way I could get through an interview without a meltdown. I have met with the vocational rehab people twice and I cried both times just thinking about this. I can't even pretend that I have any confidence or that I think I have anything to contribute. I made myself look bad, subconsciously or not.
I was rejected by my parents as a child and I was rejected by my peers, but this endless stream of job rejections and poverty and ending up homeless and ultimately in a bad housing situation was probably the most devastating thing to happen to my self-worth.
I've been rejected from at least a dozen volunteer jobs, too, so I'm even afraid to try that. I'm absolutely terrified of any rejection at this point. I have never been arrested and I'm really, truly not that abrasive, so I don't even have an explanation for all of this, but I know that now that my entire sense of self is shattered, I don't (currently) have a chance.
I guess that I either want to accept my life as it is -- no job, just...whatever, and figure out how to talk to people without getting upset about job talk OR to get to a point where I can work and feel okay and stop all of this. I don't know what approach to take or what to do, but this is really upsetting to me. I had to quit Facebook because seeing everyone talk about their jobs upset me too greatly.
Part of me just wants to throw myself into making art and maybe selling it, but that's not the same. I don't know why I have been such a failure.
My entire self-esteem is wrapped up in having a career. I've never been pretty or attractive and I don't really have any special talents, and while I'm smart I'm not notably smart, and really all I wanted was a nice job and a normal apartment. I've never considered getting married or anything, I just wanted to work. I did get some jobs, but they were mostly terrible -- either I was mistreated or underpaid or the job was just a bad fit for me. The first full-time job I got after years of looking was over 50 miles away, paid less than the current minimum wage here, and I had a really bad workplace bullying situation which caused me to leave after six months. I had a couple of jobs I liked but they were temp jobs that ended after three or four months. I was with seven temp agencies and hardly got anything. I was unable to have hobbies or much of a social life during this era because all I did was look for jobs and apply for jobs. I'm sure I was known as "That girl who can never get a job" in my social circle because this went on for years and everyone who knew me knew about my job search. I spent a lot more time looking for jobs than I would have spent working if I'd just had a job. It consumed me and caused a lot of stress in my life. I eventually ended up homeless because I ran out of options and resources.
I've also just had what I can only call bad luck. My original career choice was in the sciences, and I had my eye on a specific job but I needed more course work. I actually had the highest paying job of my life at age 24 and I was doing well at it. My mom offered to pay for me to take the classes I needed because part of why I hadn't finished them was because I had to drop out of classes when she had an accident and I had to go out of state to take care of her. Unfortunately, my job conflicted with my classes, so I quit my job at my mom's insistence and she said she would support me for a school year. I mulled over this for WEEKS and thought I made the right decision. She died five weeks later, and HA HA turns out that unbeknownst to me my already-rich brother robbed her while she was dying so I was left with nothing and I couldn't even finish the classes I needed as planned (I couldn't get financial aid). There was nothing I could do. That was in 2003 and I never got back on my feet. I couldn't even mourn properly because I was too busy trying to find work. Frankly, I'm surprised I made it to 2009 without losing my home and my mind.
The reason I'm writing this is while it's not the source of my PTSD, it has consumed my life even though I haven't worked for 7 years. I can't talk to people because everyone wants to ask what I do for a living. Even anyone mentioning a job interview or a raise or salary negotiations sends me into a downward spiral. If anyone talks about getting a promotion, I immediately get suicidal thoughts. I cry and hyperventilate about this frequently.
A few months ago someone I know in a similar situation got a work-from-home job. Their supervisor recommended me for a position, and he told me that they were really desperate for people. It took me three days to fill out the application because it was so profoundly upsetting to me. I got rejected again and it was supposed to be essentially a sure thing!
Pre-2009 me was actually a good employee in the right environment, I just was never able to convince hiring managers of that. "You interviewed really well, but we found someone with more experience." Recently, I signed up with vocational rehab because I know in my heart that I will never accept myself even slightly if I'm not working. I know that's silly and I wish I could move past it, but I wanted to work. And...I've basically sabotaged myself. I know I'm not able to work. Even three years ago I could have, but I've had several major stressors recently and it's impossible now. I cry when I talk about jobs and there's no way I could get through an interview without a meltdown. I have met with the vocational rehab people twice and I cried both times just thinking about this. I can't even pretend that I have any confidence or that I think I have anything to contribute. I made myself look bad, subconsciously or not.
I was rejected by my parents as a child and I was rejected by my peers, but this endless stream of job rejections and poverty and ending up homeless and ultimately in a bad housing situation was probably the most devastating thing to happen to my self-worth.
I've been rejected from at least a dozen volunteer jobs, too, so I'm even afraid to try that. I'm absolutely terrified of any rejection at this point. I have never been arrested and I'm really, truly not that abrasive, so I don't even have an explanation for all of this, but I know that now that my entire sense of self is shattered, I don't (currently) have a chance.
I guess that I either want to accept my life as it is -- no job, just...whatever, and figure out how to talk to people without getting upset about job talk OR to get to a point where I can work and feel okay and stop all of this. I don't know what approach to take or what to do, but this is really upsetting to me. I had to quit Facebook because seeing everyone talk about their jobs upset me too greatly.
Part of me just wants to throw myself into making art and maybe selling it, but that's not the same. I don't know why I have been such a failure.
