It Ended

[LostGentleman]

My relationship ended. Today. By my hands. One year and a half. No idea how I'll cope.
She has BPD which is going untreated, with a long promise to get help. So I can get help to know how to do things too. Being close, perspective is needed.
It doesn't matter how hard I try
How much I withstand
I talk like a normal person, I don't let ptsd get in the way, only very rare exceptions - i get some distance if I am not alright, to make sure I won't injure her psychologically with my ptsd, to the best of my ability. She is the human I'm most careful on how I talk with. She can barely cope with normal talking, with normal emotions from my side - figure if it was any worse.. I'd be dead. I walk on eggshells that always break, regardless of how I walk.
And yet.. She tells me that ..well actually she says a lot, all sorts of bad things, and yes supposedly it's part of Borderline, it's how it is. But I'm just a monster. Just the bad thing. Yesterday, she spammed me that I was the reason she wanted to die. That I was the reason to her depression. That I was the reason to all that there is bad.
Literally, copy paste. Over and over. With non-stop calls, all over the place. Etc.
I tried to ignore those claims, but heck, what if she really feels that way? Thing is, she is not one to say sorry, much less to take back her random, accusations and insults.
It just adds up. Piles and piles of unsatisfaction.
If she does an action that is incorrect, even then I am told it's my fault.
And yes, I know that is due to Borderline.
I don't hate her. I don't resent her. Heck, I love her. And I understand, there's her, and then there's the personality chunks that are from the disorder. Plus all the different, altered perception the disorder causes. PTSD is a disorder, I know how I can't trust my judgment on "feeling at risk" etc. So I understand, some parts.
Today, touching the topic, she said I AM the reason she wants to die, I AM the reason she has depression (she had in the past blamed me for it, but hours later at night, she very fast told me it isn't so, that she was just upset, that I was not.)
So, I did the only thing someone who loves can do. I broke up.

She got very upset, saying that it won't solve anything, because she wants me. When I said it was the only way to solve the issue, since it was how she felt it, regardless of the cause for such feeling - she answered: "Yes there is a way to fix it. You change!"

I went... "I change..? Change what?"
She said I was to change how I speak.
When I said I speak like a normal human being. That like a normal person, I will show emotions sometimes. Speak in many tones depending on the occasion. And that I was not disrespectful, that I was not insulting, nor called her names. That I talked like a normal human being.
At first she said no, that i didn't. She laughed. I gave all sorts of examples, comparing to a normal person.
Which actually showed me having more calm towards her insults, name calling, etc etc, than a person would normally have.
Then the said yes, I was a normal person. And that was it. That I could be better. That I shouldn't have all those emotions.

Heck.
I told her I am a normal person, if she doesn't want that, to find someone to her taste.

Me, I was waiting (hoping) for her to have a moment of "aha!", of seeing, realizing, I'm not the monster she constantly claims, not the "HORRIBLE BOYFRIEND! WORST BOYFRIEND!!!" she yelled at me that I was, a week and a half ago...and many other times
That she could actually see me, and acknowledge me
Yeah, I'm stupid, aren't I?
Stupid kid, waiting for something that apparently is not meant to happen. Just believing in her. Why do I believe in her so much? Why do I just sit and wait, for her to be the person my heart says she is?
I tried so hard
I tried my best
I tried to survive it all
My effort is never enough
Never


I need her to get help before she kills herself. Or before I do.

But she said that she won't. Despite her promise. She said that since I broke up, she won't go to the psychologist.
I want to be the best husband and father possible, to work out my issues and traumas, my depression and ptsd, although I'm not married nor have children yet
I hoped she would think like that too
I hoped my struggle and my not giving up, would give her inspiration
An incentive, to not give up, to go to the psychologist, and

..
Yeah, I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. I can't play with her life, with her health, I can't minimize something as huge as her claim that for her, being with me, is source of depression and of wanting to die, regardless of what made such feelings appear, regardless of borderline, I can't risk losing her, as in, her losing her life, or living miserable, because of me existing in her life
And I don't deserve to live being perceived as nothing but an hazard to the person I love and want to make happy
I can't risk her life
I can't make her unhappy
There is nothing I can do
Loving someone so much, and there being nothing one can do
Why is that?
It's so unfair
Why give a heart such big feelings if they can't exist??????????? If they can't happen????
Why such cruelty?
And I'm not talking of her, she did not give me these feelings. I don't know where romantic love for someone comes from.. I'm talking of THAT.. of..who...makes those be born on our hearts
Because my heart is nothing but scars
And I'm so tired
I'm so tired
Why is all my effort so worthless

 

[AidaKay]

I can relate to a lot of what you have said.

I have an (ex)boyfriend who I believe needs help, but will not seek it.

After I began to seek help for myself it became too hard for me to stay.

The blaming and awful things that were said, in my case were often taken back "apologized" for. But to acknowledge that your behavior is unacceptable and to keep repeating it without seeking any kind of help is unfair to your partner.

Loving someone doesn't mean we are required to be abused in any way. But knowing this doesn't make you stop loving them.

I have been told I was the reason for his wanting to do drugs. That statement was the moment I realized that I was not helping either one of us by staying. Letting my empathy for him drive my decision making was allowing both of us to stay in the same toxic spiral. I can only control myself and by making myself focus on my own mental health I am breaking this spiral (at least for myself, I hope for him too).

Anyway...I think I know the devastation of what you are experiencing. I know the pain of those types of words and accusations. I know the depth of loving someone who your heart believes is good. I know the empathy felt for them, the understanding of their pain because you know your own pain.

I know the hope that they will fight for their own happiness...which if they did would be a sign of them fighting for your happiness as a pair.

I feel for you and I commend you for the strength you showed for both of you in making such a decision. Regardless of whether you two stay apart or get back together I wish for you always to know your worth as a human being.

 

[Sandstone]

I hear the pain in all you write @LostGentleman, and I also see your generosity in trying and giving over and over. I think you are wise to step away from the level of distress your partner has caused you. It is too much for you and your PTSD to bear.
Please give yourself the time and the cherishing you need; be as generous to yourself as you have been .to her

 

[LostGentleman]

I know the hope that they will fight for their own happiness...which if they did would be a sign of them fighting for your happiness as a pair.

......that..

I'm so sorry.. that you feel this pain

Thank you, for your words, for sharing your heart and experience

 

[LostGentleman]

I hear the pain in all you write @LostGentleman, and I also see your generosity in...

I will be trying my very best, to endure

Thank you so much,
Rui

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

My heart aches for you, as I read your words of pain! You deserve better! It's obvious by the way you express how you feel, that you are a good man!

You can't stay with someone who tells you that you cause their depression and makes them want to die! NO ONE has the power to cause that in another adult, unless she is living with her parents, (as a child)!

It almost sounds like she's talking to herself in some way. She sounds VERY sick, and is in denial! Some people have to reach the bottom, before they give up. By you staying with her, it gives her someone to interact with, instead of herself.

I saw on your profile, that you are 30 years YOUNG! PLEASE take care of YOURSELF, because you have a lot of life ahead to get mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically well! PTSD is enough of a battle to fight, without having someone beating you down!

Life is LIVING to your fullest potential! When you find peace and stability while following the things that you enjoy doing, you will find the right person to spend your life with!

Your first obligation is to be the best YOU that you can be! You already sound like a REALLY GOOD, and REALLY NICE man! It is very hard to find a good man these days, from my point of view. ( I'm 59, and never found the right man... I gave up YEARS ago!)

I don't know if you believe in God, or a higher power, but if you do, in FAITH, work hard on YOUR HEART, and look to Him for directions. If you can find some kind of counseling, maybe you can find peace and learn that you are GOOD, you DESERVE GOOD!!!

It doesn't sound like you have any children. That is HUGE! PLEASE don't bring ANY children into the world unless you have a VERY STABLE woman! Only in a happy, and healthy relationship, can you raise happy, and successful children. You deserve these things! Please don't settle for less than you are worth!

Blessings to you! :hug:Hugs from a mother who has a son older than you.:hug:

 

[Bigblue]

It's very hard to make a comment on a relationship that we only read a few minutes on.

If she has been diagnosed with BPD then as you know the disorder causes issues with being able to control emotions. There is also a lot of unconcious "projection" stemming from fear of abandonment.

The trouble is, as with everyone on here and even healthy couples our subconscious minds aka demons fight each other. People with PTSD also likely to have fear of abandonment like everyone else and might show it by isolating or masking emotions...

It is very likely that you are triggering each others' fear of abandonment/loss. But you can also heal each other.

Try to give each other time hopefully without isolating and projecting. It's amazing how 2-3 days of good choices in behavior fixes a relationship at least for the short term... and then you just need to keep repeating it.

 

[LostGentleman]

People with PTSD also likely to have fear of abandonment like everyone else and might show it by isolating or masking emotions

Indeed!
In this, me being more mature, and my knowledge in Psychology, were important
At the begining of the relationship I noticed the many things that would hurt her (BPD causing more sensitivity, pain, etc) and worked hard on finding a manageable way for both. It meant, first, communicating parts I was not used to, the parts about my fears, emotions, etc.
It was tough and terrifying. I would do my best to notice my reactions, to find ways of understanding feelings, and putting them into words - and of actually exposing myself, regardless of how terrifying it was.
The vanishing, that as well. So I became the very informative guy, regarding my thought process, and my emotions. Because I know my tendency, due to my ptsd, my trauma, would be to do the opposite automatically
Not being next to each other in person, since the beginning we would be on call, videocall, if we both were at home. We would sleep like so as well. All my heart wants is to beat with another heart (of who I love, romantically)
My zodiac sign is Cancer, I'm a Cancer with PTSD :roflmao:
Seeing her pain whenever I didn't communicate, was a big motivator. Huge. Seeing her hurt kills me.
And alright, being a guy, one who is conscious of his own words (obviously I'm human), yes I won't say "yes sweetheart" whenever she would make a complaint regarding my person. I would listen to it. And I would think about it. Analyze it. And then I would work on it, silently, but I would work on it until I had corrected it.
These, she had complained on them. It happened before she told me of her BPD.
After I got to know of her BPD, after crying a lot (I knew who she was. But out of the blue, more and more, someone who was not her, who had no piety, who bullied, who was violent, who harassed and punished, would suddenly appear and leave me in sheer confusion and shock. Before that, she would tell me many times, that she was evil, a monster, that she was not kind, that I did not know what she did to people, how she destroyed others, how she sometimes had no heart, etc. I used all my knowledge in psychology, all I studied, to give support, to prove to her that she is not evil, and bit by bit trying to talk her into having a good psychologist. I was well aware I could not be it, for a million reasons. After I got told of her BPD, I cried and smacked my own face. Finally, I was not crazy and insane. It got extremely bad, and the gaslighting was getting to me. So that moment, I was not crazy, all that was happening daily was written down, I could learn all the new developments and studies on it, and plus, I was able to tell her she is not a monster. It is not her. It was her Disorder. And that was the day she gained hope regarding herself. And I thanked the heavens)

By knowing, I was able to search for things that can trigger her. But still, her BPD is quite unpredictable, and I have over-reached the point where the person who has it may wonder "if he/she stayed with me, and is taking all this abuse, there must be something wrong with him/her" and start resenting the partner for not being "an unbroken piece"
Sort of the "I got the faulty one!!" feeling that a child gets, upon opening a box with a toy and seeing the hand is broken, and feeling pain, feeling it's unfair, that nothing goes well for them, that they hate that their toy had to break, and that it shouldn't be like that. BPD having certain emotions raw, no emotional skin, and those very same emotions being very enhanced in intensity, this feeling that as we grow, lessens, on many BPD cases it can't help but be there.
Hence the "once you are really mine, and you stayed and passed all the «tests» - I wonder what is wrong with you for staying!!" phase, on romantic relationships
Once I reached that level in her Borderline's eyes, well things went to Hell. As in, a deeper Hell. The kind that it is irrelevant what I do, it will be always wrong. If I speak, it was that the issue. If I don't, then it's another issue. If I smile, I am thinking the worst - if I don't, I am punishing her.
Loved ones may refer to this part, as "no win situation". Literally, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

After a long time doing your best, and being kicked around being told you are the worst, well
I shouldn't be sorry for not being inhuman
But, I was groomed like so for a long time, in my childhood, and on other occasions. But the one on my childhood, well. I end up being very sorry for not being the optimal solution. I can't help it.
This is me, telling myself to not say sorry for her symptoms having effect, being delivered on a daily basis. And in a way, I guess trying to escape punishment for not saying sorry.
Heck, I was raised to not consider I exist, that I am a nothing, that I am not to make any mistake, and had to think ahead of actual future, if something I could not control would happen, I would be punished for it. I'm a very good robot, built to please, with very little amounts of ego
Plus all I went though, and my deep empathy, had me follow Psychology, and I have literally nothing to live for. Sacrifice, was normal.

No, I am not perfect, nobody is
Yes, for each good thing, I have bad things as well

Point being - I did all I could, and a lot of things that I won't even write. I spent nights awake, trying to find ways
And when she would have a specially gnarly predominance of her Disorder's symptoms, as hurt or bleeding, even pissed, what I did was go sit and read more. Search more studies on Borderline.

I do want help from someone who is specialized on it. That psychologist, to 1º help her, 2º help me, and her family, teaching us how to act. What to do. Help train us.
it has nearly been an year since she promised to start going to a good psychologist, so that we could both survive. Her, Me, and Us.
It is harsh, in the country she is now studying in. It is very hard to find psychologists who are specialized in BPD. But, the solutions I had found and suggested, most were declined (with an excuse if available, or just plain declined), so there isn't much more I can do.


Please know I am noticing, and will keep in my mind, and think deeper, about the suggestion you gave! All I wrote, is my way of adding in the parts you couldn't know of, and that show some of what I tried. Me admitting the parts I worked hard on, is significant for my self-growth. It incentives to keep trying hard, and doing my best
As of now, her BPD won't allow that to exist towards me, so this is myself doing right now what she couldn't, for medical reasons - hopefully all I wrote won't seem so senseless, it is beneficial for my emotional health as well
This being said, please, if you have more ideas, more suggestions, please do share
And know, I fully agree with all you wrote - and will read it more than once, throughout time

Thank you Bigblue

 

[LostGentleman]

My heart aches for you, as I read your words of pain! You deserve better! It's obvious by the w...

I could not explain how powerful your words are, how important - your comment brings me to tears each time Angelkeeper
I was not raised by my mother nor by my father, and when our mother tried to have us, it was out of immaturity, a scorned child. And she would not be home during the day, and often during the night. My baby brother was almost two, I was seven, and I did my best to have him not be scared, and I knew that meant be very sure of myself, and know how to do things - and show no fear. I'd sit on the floor by his crib at night, and try my best.
One of the biggest bluffs I ever made
So, it is now, that I need to read certain things, and try to have them be - inside of me - ..and that includes your very maternal, and heartfelt, comment
I need to read it often

Thank you so much
Who knew that someone who's a keeper of angels, would turn out to be an angel as well :')





---------[Unrelated to the topic - just answering one of the questions, and sharing some interesting curiosities]----------

Spoiler

(answering, yes I do believe in the existence of God, regardless of not practicing religion. I'm a man of science, and science actually proves it. I studied deep theology - real theology, not the personal opinion of theologists, which sadly became modern theology over the past decades - which explains the old testament as well. Sadly people were not taught that it sounds like a story, because it was written like a story: so that it could be understood by the brains, with lesser IQ, of the time. Similarly to how we tell things to our children, in a way they can understand. Imbued, there is symbology, so it has dual function. To the brains of our ancestors, which had no physical means of understanding complex things, the basic was given, using the only thing they could keep in mind for longer, which is fear. And for the human brain of later times, decoding what it means, it would be telling in further, realistic details, what it means. But, not many know this, and people actually think there was one person named Adam, that Hell is a very hot physical place somewhere - hell actually being the absence of god - and that there is no evolution of the earth, species, etc. Another misconception, that God sends people to one of 3 physical places, that it is God who sentences souls; when actually it is the soul who either approaches what God is, or flees; in other words: it's the soul that seeing things as they are, in a split second, either are humble and accept the mercy of the Everything that God is, going towards God and being within God - or distance themselves, out of pride, out of guilt, out of lack of forgiving the paths they took. The further away the soul goes, the worst is the level of what is called Purgatory. Heaven, is being one with God, the soul being within God, and what is called the levels of Heaven, are how much more within God the soul goes. Hell, well, is running from the sight of perfection so much, that it leaves it's reach in absolute. Like a gravitational field which is abandoned. And like magnetic forces, to the soul that leaves God's completely, past the gravitational field as well, those souls can't be pulled back, can't approach. Nor want to. Souls in the proximity of what God is, are slowly, pulled back towards God, as much as the soul allows - that is what is called Purgatory. People are taught the concepts, but not what it means. Sadly. There are meanings behind these things, and it is beyond fascinating and perfect. It actually explains everything, and forms a perfect cycle with science, each proving each other. It is extremely deep. It is like looking at a galaxy, fascinating: everything's connected. There are answers, and explanations - although those are not easy to find, and objectively, most wouldn't care to get deeper knowledge on some topics. Since true theology, in a practical sense, walks hand to hand with science, I ended up including it on my studies - which turned out to be surprisingly interesting. Yes, I'm writing some curiosities over the last topic mentioned out of trying not to think nor feel too much, apparently :roflmao: feel free to ignore my blabbering! Weeks ago I went on blabbering about wildlife predatory patterns in Africa :hilarious:)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:Rui:hug:
I am glad that you do believe in God. Faith is believing what we cannot see. We believe in love, but it can't be seen, only its effects.We know there is air, and wind, but we can't SEE it. We only see its effects.

I have story after story of how God has "shown" Himself to me! His love has given me the strength to survive pain and sorrow that I could have NEVER survived without His love!

I do hope that you will be able to put your energies into yourself, and the healing needed for PTSD. It is TOO MUCH to carry YOUR pain AND someone else's!

I pray that one day you will find someone who is full of life, and hope! You deserve NO LESS! Creating happy beginnings in a relationship, makes it possible to have sweet memories to look back on, when things DO get difficult, which is part of being in a permanent commitment.

To be able to say..."remember when we met, how we fell in love, and what I loved first about you?" It is those things that keep couples together!

Don't give up on finding love and happiness!
Blessings and Hugs to you!
AKJ

 

[NaeNae75]

Indeed!
In this, me being more mature, and my knowledge in Psychology, were important
At the beg...

I could have written this myself! I feel for you right now...and you are in my thoughts. From the few conversations we have had, I find you to be a very kind soul and feel very connected to you. I hope you accept my :hug: and know that if you want to talk, I'm happy to. I wish you the very best in your forward progress.

You are worth something...you are worth very much! I hope your wounds heal thoroughly and swiftly as possible.