Emotionlessness - Control Freak Or Lack Of Trust?

[NightSky]

I am in the same boat. Since starting with my therapist a little over a year ago I'd say I have progressed to crying sometimes on my own, which I've never done much before. Just shedding a few tears. Not all out sobbing. I don't think I've ever done that. When I am in the room with her, there have been times she will start hitting nerves and I can feel myself get twitchy like I'm going to cry, but then either I shut down and dissociate or it flips off like a switch. I trust her. I feel as safe as I can with another person. I believe the inability to feel is actually a huge barrier to progress at this point because it limits what I'm willing to say out loud for fear that it will cause the emotion/shut down process. Every week I go in there thinking I will try harder to let my guard down but every week I walk in and the wall goes up unintentionally. I've been trying to figure this out and I have come to realize there is a large part of me that is afraid of how it would make me feel more bonded to her and more needy of her. And also what others have mentioned, having to walk out of her office and be a functional person after letting the lid off the pain- I don't know what that would look like or how to do it. You're not alone. I think talking about all of this with the therapist could potentially be helpful. That's my plan for this week.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you everyone for the support and input. We have worked a lot on coping skills and in two years I have made a lot of progress. When we started I couldn't show up for a therapy session sober. His office was downtown so I always made sure to arrive early enough to stop at a local bar and have a couple before my session (at the time we met in the evening), from there I progressed to taking anti-anxiety meds before each session to prevent panic attacks to where we are now sober, working with my Pdoc to wean of anxiety meds entirely, I haven't self harmed in almost a year and I guess it would be safe to say I have come a long way in stabilization and ability to cope between sessions. I see him twice a week, that was my request as I didn't feel I was progressing when it was once a week and it has made a big difference.

@EveHarrington what would you consider to be a little emotion? @Panda Bear you are hitting very close to home in that I don't know what would happen if I did let go and it has been so many years I don't know what would happen. @Freedomfighter the question from my T about trust to me wasn't odd because in my last session we had just discussed why I trust him because I generally don't trust anyone and I have been struggling lately with dealing with my recent realization that I do trust him and have experienced erotic transference as a result.

I don't know what I am going to do, @aut555 I don't have any issues with anger I guess I have never really thought of it as an emotion I get angry but I swallow it as I have always been taught not to express it.

 

[Hope1969]

When I first learned to trust T, the crying got a little bit easier. When I let go of the control freak side of me and really started to process the emotions, crying became the norm.

I am a control freak too. May I ask how did you let go?

 

[mylunareclipse]

I have been in therapy for over year and haven't shed a single tear yet, but my voice has cracked a few times. One day my therapist suggested I have trust issues, but I told her that it doesn't feel like I have trust issues.

I am not sure why I cannot cry in therapy. I have cried tons on my own and have told her about it. Also when I started therapy I thought I would be crying all the time and didn't have much of a problem, so it feels like it's not a control issue either.

I guess for me it has gotten harder to let myself cry in therapy as I've got to see my therapist more and more. In the beginning when I didn't know her I would probably not have cared if she saw me crying, but now I'm a little scared to cry as I don't want to upset her or have a bad effect on her. Even though it doesn't make sense, I feel like I should make her laugh and smile and not deal with my tears.

 

[aut555]

Thank you everyone for the support and input. We have worked a lot on coping skills and in two years I...

This sounds like some serious progress. It's great to read about your success because it gives people hope, they know that you are doing it, it is possible. But at the beginning, it is so dark, in my case, it was very foggy due to a bunch of reasons out of my control. So to move forward was impossible for me. I got out of the fog, exercised regularly, cut contact with abuser, broke cycle, 're-tweaked my perception or reality and took responsibility that l played a part in this whole drama of 18 year marriage. But to read your roadblocks is so powerful and you are beautiful. Thank you for your honesty. You didn't hide, you put it all out there. I applaud you.