Confused...should I Ask For A Diagnosis

[mylunareclipse]

Hello all, I am semi-new here. I have been following for over a year now, but I finally got the courage to post here.

I started therapy for the first time about a year ago due to a very stressful time in my life filled with continuous suicidial ideation, hopelessness and inability to work.

I have a few things that happened to me here and there and have been depressed since I was a pre-teen. However, I never considered myself to have gone through "trauma". In fact when I first started therapy and searching online as well, I was confused as to how my searches always ended up in trauma related articles or links, as well as links from this forum.

A few months into therapy, our of NOWHERE I stared getting very violent flashbacks of things that seemed to have happened since I was very little. I was so panicked at the time as I had never read anything about body memories, repressed memories etc. It really freaked my out and I shared with my therapist. Since then I have had several other flashbacks (though they are never as bad as the first time as now i know what's happening.). In these flashbacks I feel like the little girl inside of me is always crying and upset and I feel paralyzed. Otherwise I seem to have made good strides in recovering from my depression symptoms.

My therapist has never officially diagnosed me with anything. She has mentioned here and there that I am depressed and lately we discussed about what is happening to me is dissociation.

However, by reading books, articles and forums, I am starting to come to the conclusion that I might have PTSD? I can't believe I am saying this as a year ago I wouldn't even think I went through anything I would call trauma (despite the fact that now I realize that a few of the things I have gone through as a teen and an adult could be considered trauma as well.). I would like to ask my therapist if she thinks I have PTSD but I feel too much shame to do so. I feel like it's not my job to self-diagnose and should just wait. Maybe I am just imagining it all and trying to act like a victim or something. At this point however, everything is pointing towards me having PTSD and I would really like to know if this is the case or not as I think it would help me not be as mean to myself for my body responses. Do you think I should ask my therapist? Or should I just wait? Why do you think she hasn't diagnosed me yet?

Thank you so much! Sorry for the lengthy post.

 

[NightSky]

There's no shame in asking. My first therapist who I saw for a couple of years when my flashbacks started mentioned PTSD, but she wasn't a trauma specialist and I never learned anything about it. My new therapist started giving me things to read, like The Body Keeps the Score and finally I asked if maybe I was just making all of this up and she said there was no doubt I had PTSD. But she had never come out and said it before. It sounds like you need some validation. And I think you should share your fear of acting like a victim, etc. process those fears. I have had the same ones all along and I've needed to hear the same reassurances so many times. Keeping it all in your head and overanalyzing won't help. Try to let your most honest thoughts into the room unfiltered so you have the support you need.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's a good idea to ask. I mean it could help you understand the full range of what you're dealing with (whether or not it's PTSD). But even if it's not PTSD, I hope that doesn't make you feel more ashamed as it sounds like you definitely have trauma type symptoms (which you deserve to heal from). :hug:

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much for your responses. It all seems so unreal to be able to talk for the first time with other people that are going or have gone through similar stuff as me.

I already read the body keeps the score a few months ago after I saw it as a suggestion in this forum. I even told my therapist more recently and since then she has been gently trying to explain my symptoms to me as dissociation, which I already suspected but in that case it felt good to be validated. She has been very validating of all of my Symptoms but as never mentioned the word. I think she wants me to come to he conclusion. Few months ago I found the courage to ask her if I have npd or bpd and she kind of laughed and said no.

Now I have to find the courage to ask about ptsd. I guess I just don't want seem like a person that makes her problems bigger than they are. Ah so confused. I honestly cannot even believe in typing this, or that any of these stuff has happened to me, or that all these years of hating myself and wishing to die were nothing but symptoms of someone who was hurt all along. Not sure why it took me so many years to ask for help.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I don't think it's strange at all! Nor should you feel any shame. I struggled for a long time with simply having a diagnosis as I felt it was a label. I don't want a label, but it is reassuring to know and be believed that I'm experiencing normal responses to a trauma.

I've read quite a few threads here that confirm that the mind blocks out trauma, only to be opened or revealed years later. Again, no shame in that. Maybe you'll finally have some peace of mind about yourself. I eventually did.

Sounds like you have a very good therapist who is moving at your pace. She may be waiting for you to ask the questions and not pushing something on you. I don't know. Don't worry about her problems. This is her job and she can handle it. Sounds like she's a very caring person. I'm so glad you already have a therapist to walk with you.

You're already several steps forward without even realizing it. Keep up the good work!

 

[NightSky]

Thank you so much for your responses. It all seems so unreal to be able to talk for the first tim...

You sound a lot like me, fearing making things bigger than they are. I often feel like I'm two people. One who knows these things happened and how much I need help, and another who denies all of it and feels guilt for even suggesting it. Those sides of me are always at odds and have made the healing road take an extremely long time. I hope you can continue to come here for support and to speak with your therapist honestly, and to allow yourself to truly accept the validation the hurting parts of you need.

 

[Kefira]

There are a lot of types of therapists who aren't diagnosis based and use diagnosis primarily for insurance purposes or if a consult is needed. Diagnosis is a common language for professionals, but to say you have a certain diagnosis doesn't say how you're experiencing that diagnosis or what symptoms you're manifesting. It's a limited concept and has much more limited application and usefullness than we would like to imagine.

There are also potential downsides to sharing a diagnosis with a client. For every good thing someone could get out of having that information, someone else might process it in an unhealthy way. It sounds like you want the information to have validation and the ability to access more information that might help you, which is great. But until you ask a lot of therapists will avoid that discussion as its not always helpful and for some clients it can be harmful or limiting.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much. I am so glad I wrote in here. I feel like getting it off my chest and not feeling like I am the only weird one out there helps a lot!!!

@stp2012 Thank you so much for your kind words! It's true that sometimes we don't sit back to see how far we've come but rather always ask for better and more.

@NightSky Yes. To everything you said. When I am laying on the floor having flashbacks and my body locked I know that something is wrong and I need help, but as soon as I walk into her office it feels like what problems, I don't have problems. I often feel this way because I think that if I am aware of my dissociation, my hyperarousal, etc I should be able to control it. Therefore it makes me feel like I am faking everything.

@Kefira I totally agree. A diagnosis is just a word. I am so glad to hear that my therapist is not the only one to not rush into a diagnosis. It takes a long time for the therapist to figure out what is the best way that will work for you to get better, therefore I agree a diagnosis can cause more harm than good. I think if she had diagnosed me with PTSD last year, I would have rejected it and I would have not understand at all. So in a way it's been a process of identifying what is really going on with me. I think for me at this point I would like to know for sure that what I have is out my control and it's just my body reacting in a certain way when I get triggered. Like I will get triggered and then I go into hyperarousal and cannot get out of it. Or taste things, or have body memories, headaches etc etc. It's not even so much honestly about the mental aspect of it, but even more about the weird ways that my body responds. I feel very weak that I cannot control my body that I cannot push a button and turn off all these symptoms. One my therapist said that childhood abuse affects people differently and I wanted to ask what abuse? It's so strange how you can mentally grasp something and yet at the same time reject it.

This whole thing with my memories has really confused me, so I have told my therapist maybe for now we can just work on other aspects of my life and try to make me a little stronger. The only thing that troubles me is that sometimes I lose so much valuable time as I feel like my body is taken over and I cannot stop crying, or have random flashbacks, and it's so exhausting.

thank you all!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

keep writing. We care.