Relationship I Trigger Flashbacks And He Makes Me Responsible. Help!

[Gs172003]

thank you @Sweetpea76 and @Casey_03 I also feel somewhat justified...

If he only does it when you bring something up then yeah. I'd be suspicious.

 

[Gs172003]

I totally agree!! And that's what I'd do if we lived in the same city, but we're long distance now and I...

Why? I'd just tell him. "I'm sorry you're having trouble. I think it would be best to have so and so send it. This letter is important.". And go from there. And call so and so.

 

[Hojay]

@missy meier yeah I'm super suspicious to say the least. This happens on more than one topic that is uncomfortable for him to talk about. The red flags are slapping me in the face right now. When we talk about it calmly he says he reacts this way when he feels pushed into a corner, when he's unjustly accused of something, can see my anger and suspicion, and thinks I will now leave him - cue abandonment, trust, and fear of being forced into something triggers due to his prolonged sexual abuse as a boy. When I listen to it, I believe it. I can see how heightened conversations could trigger a panic attack, especially when anger and suspicion is involved and when everything is pretty raw for him at the moment. At other moments, I'm like hmmmm...really? Is this maybe just the biggest lie of them all? It's an unsustainable situation, and we can't get a handle on it if he's not reasonably well.

At the end of the day though, what do I say, I don't believe this triggers you? You're totally making this up to hide something? If I were a sufferer and seriously struggling from this, I'd pack up my bags and leave.

Yes, I think I'll follow your advice here. Once he's calmed down and crawled out of his cave, I will tell him I will call his friend and have him send it. If that doesnt' prompt him to go get it himself, at least I'll have it....or find out it's not there, which would be a shitshow, but hey, at least I know.

 

[Gs172003]

@missy meier yeah I'm super suspicious to say the least. This happens on more than one...

My husband will do the same thing. Without PTSD. Is it a lie? Not necessarily. But it is a way to avoid responsibility. Good luck to you I hope it gets better and you have some decisions to make if he's not getting help

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'd ask his friend to send me the letter. Your boyfriend has had his chance to get things done and he hasn't... Now he is making excuses to continue to put it off. He's pretty much forcing you to take care of it now.

Piss on him if he gets mad. He should have sent it to you a long time ago. If he isn't capable of sending you the letter, then he cannot get upset if you get it some other way. It's important, not an afterthought.

 

[scout86]

I have to confess, the letter thing is confusing. It sounds complicated and it sounds like we don't have the whole story. But, that's kind of beside the point. This really sounds like a horrible relationship for both of you. You don't believe his symptoms are real. From his point of view, at least, if I was him, that would be a HUGE problem. And, if he's faking, that a whole different problem but it sure doesn't make him a good candidate for a relationship. Either way, it doesn't sound like a good fit for either of you. You both deserve to be in a relationship with someone you can and do trust, if you're going to be in a relationship at all.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm sitting here shaking my head in disbelief that he's taking out all of his issues on you------over mail (mail?!?) that he downright refuses to get for you. Go around him at this point. PTSD doesn't give one the right to be a jerk. He's treating you poorly and then getting "triggered" when you don't sit there and take the attacking/blame. You can't win!

I think it's time to get tough. Set boundaries. If he is taking tjings out on you, calmly tell him that he cannot behave like that toward you. If the bad behavior continues, communication ends. If the pattern continues, then the length of time you don't talk to him increases. Just because he has PTSD doesn't mean that you have to put up with this behavior.

 

[joeylittle]

n his rage he said, "you know what that does to me when you say things like that" (referring to me saying he doesn't care,) as well as "I just wanted to have one good night and now this again and I never do anything right and nothing will ever work.

That is emotional blackmail. Manipulation. He can be telling the truth and be hijacking the relationship - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

this cycle happens all the time and it's breaking our relationship. Any advice?

You and he need to find a way to break this cycle. I think part of that is going to be you asking him if he's aware it's a cycle.

I feel weirdly manipulated by this, but then I feel bad because it's a disease. I don't know anymore.

As others have said - having the disease isn't an excuse for manipulating your guilt. He doesn't get to blame you for his own triggers. You're enabling it too, which also needs to stop.

I'd be surprised if he were doing any of it maliciously. But it's important to get it straightened out.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! I'm glad I'm not totally nuts and ignorant to be really pissed here.

Yes, the letter thing is confusing, sorry. I just think getting into the nature of the letter would be a bit TMI, and what matters in the end is that I've asked him for something he's just not found necessary to do.

It's just in my deepest darkest moments that I start questioning the nature of his disease. I do believe he's sick and his flashbacks are real. It's just when I feel manipulated like this that I start thinking, hmmm, how convenient for you.

In his clear moments (and he does have many of those), he's entirely aware that this cycle is not ok and that he can't blame me. In fact even when he's flipping out and saying all those, to me, manipulative things, and I call him out on blaming me, he says, I'm not blaming you, it's me! So he's aware, but that doesn't make the dynamic of our situation any better at this point.

He's now in full crisis mode, about to hopefully go back to the clinic today to get a handle on his relentless flashbacks. He barely communicates (which is odd for him,) and says he needs all his brainpower to not let this get the best of him. So I'm stuck between supporting him and setting a boundary - the letter situation is now so far from his mind, I can't even begin to bring it up again. I don't know how to set a boundary at this point. Stopping to communicate with him, and not showing my concern for his current condition could feel like I'm abandoning him...over mail...while just letting it go means compromising on my own standards.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! I'm glad I'm not totally nuts and ignorant to be really pi...

It's not the PTSD I'm personally questioning. It's the excuse of using that to not get this mysterious letter for six danged months and then blaming you for it. If you don't mind me asking since you brought it up, what is this letter over if it's not too personal? Details aren't necessary

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you so much for your responses everyone! I'm glad I'm not totally nuts and ignorant to be really pi...

I can very much relate to what you're saying here but you can set boundaries to be supportive. I'm doing that very thing right now. It's the scariest thing I think I've ever done...and I am hardly ever afraid of anything.

I realize it's scary because I'm forcing myself to fix my issue in the process. Boundaries are for us. To make us face what we are willing to accept. To make us deal with our issues. For me, I have never really believed I deserve better...but I do.

We teach people how yo treat us. If we don't believe it is not an option to treat us poorly, that we won't accept it...than it will never stop. Period.

I told my guy I can't see him until he decides he can treat me better...he reached out right away and told me he respects my decision. I made it clear I am not leaving him, but I need to feel treated like a human being to be able to support him.

It is not unreasonable to have expectations. Love yourself and him enough to let him grow and teach him you will be treated with dignity. It's hard and will take practice, but is good for you both.

I do have our emails posted in my supporter diary...feel free to look at my letter and his response. He didn't run like a rabbit as I was afraid of.

 

[scout86]

what matters in the end is that I've asked him for something he's just not found necessary to do.

That's exactly what it sounds like to me. So, what would have happened if he had said "No" when you asked him to get the letter? Sometimes people have a hard time saying 'no' to a request and then deal with it by just not following through. Not the best solution, IMO, but it happens. When you asked him to get the letter, was him refusing to do so an option?