Feel Like Shrieking Like A Banshee

[Miaoqing]

I mean just honestly

Anyway, right now I feel like screaming and pulling my hair out and I'm trying really hard not to self harm. I'm having flashbacks of the event and I feel like my skull is splitting apart. I was raped by my brother's friend when I was around nine or so and was sexually abused for most of elementary school and preschool, can't remember exactly how long. Being raped was the most degrading, humiliating thing I have ever experienced, and it left such hugely deep scars on my psyche. I feel exposed and open, like someone has cut open my abdomen and I'm walking around with all my organs outside my body, like I'm holding my stomach and showing it to everyone. (That's a very strange extended metaphor, but it makes sense to me.) But anyway, I keep having these flashbacks of someone touching me or standing about a centimeter away from my face, and someone choking me or wrapping their arms around me. What do I do? Any suggestions on how to smash these flashbacks like a bug?? Thanks in advance xx

 

[sun seeker]

That's rough. I'm sorry for what happened to you and that you are having such intense flashbacks now.

One concrete suggestion that might help what you are describing, especially wanting to pull your hair out and to self-harm: try either putting your head under a cold water faucet or putting ice on your face or neck, or both. It sounds weird but it really does help dial down the intensity so you can think. Try it and let us know if it helps, okay?

 

[kona355]

@Miaoqing
Do you have anything you like to do that can distract you for the time being, like reading, painting, etc?

I'm sorry this sounds so lame...

 

[sun seeker]

Something else you might find helps is pressure on your head. Just hold it tightly between both hands (or ask someone else to, if there is anyone there that you trust) or squish it into a tight spot somehow. It might help. But I'd try the cold water first.

 

[Gs172003]

What grounded me recently was holding an ice cube in my hand. Im sorry you're going through this.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

How are you doing?

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I was told by my phycologist that placing ice cubes in the palm of my hand would help especially when disaccoiating , I won't write what my reply was as too rude but somewhere on the lines of , when I'm in this state of flashbacking and disassociating at a level that leaves me unconscious for 24 hours and recovery up to 72 hours, and when my husband and child are so traumatised at what they are seeing because they don't know how to help , I really don't think an ice cube is at the top of my husbands list!!!! Nor does it cross my mind to locate an ice cube! Sorry I couldn't help x hope you get your answer and if you do please let me know x

 

[EmmaOwl]

One concrete suggestion that might help what you are describing, especially wanting to pull your hair out and to self-harm: try either putting your head under a cold water faucet or putting ice on your face or neck, or both. It sounds weird but it really does help dial down the intensity

That doesn't sound weird at all! It sounds like a very smart coping method. When I was a kid (well, 15, 16 years old) I had a therapist suggest that, instead of cutting, I ought to write on my skin with a red marker.

When I told her that did absolutely nothing to help me, she labeled me as "uncooperative". Ugh. The first in a looong stream of bad therapists.

Hey, you know, - I'm not discounting that method entirely, but for me marker would not do much more than maybe tickle me a bit. Not exactly therapeutic, nowhere near what self-harm did for me.

Everyone is different; I suppose she was focusing on the visual part, but that was not my issue.

I'm grateful that I've gotten somewhat of a handle on self-harm for a couple of years now, but I plan to keep this cold water ice trick in mind. I can imagine that would help me - gets your attention focused on what is going on in your physical being, to help bring oneself back to the reality of what is going on around you, rather than being lost who knows where in your mind.

Just don't hold so long that you get frostbite ;)

 

[sun seeker]

I can imagine that would help me - gets your attention focused on what is going on in your physical being, to help bring oneself back to the reality of what is going on around you, rather than being lost who knows where in your mind.

Yes, that's what it seems to do for me.

When I was a kid (well, 15, 16 years old) I had a therapist suggest that, instead of cutting, I ought to write on my skin with a red marker.

When I told her that did absolutely nothing to help me, she labeled me as "uncooperative". Ugh.

"Ugh" is right.

I've done that, and it helps up to a point. If the urge is stronger than that point, though, writing on my skin doesn't do it for me. Maybe you were experiencing stronger urges than she expected, or they were focused in a different way. Either way, it sounds more like an unimaginative therapist than an uncooperative client. People self-harm for all kinds of reasons. You have to find the reason before you can come up with a strategy.

 

[EmmaOwl]

anything you like to do that can distract you for the time being, like reading, painting, etc?
I'm sorry this sounds so lame...

This doesn't sound lame, either. Goodness everyone is harsh on themselves here (me included of course).

I've been in psych hospitals occasionally when I was afraid I might harm myself. The BEST sign ever was when I could concentrate to read again. Something I could do, on my own, to distract me.

I can tell when I'm better when I'm able to sit up on my bed, and read. THAT is good enough for me! When I couldn't read, and lay down on my parents' sofa 24/7, that was when I needed help, to be at a hospital. When I could read, however simple the book might seem (anyone remember The BabySitters Club? Those were my childhood fave!) I knew I was better.

(Unfortunately the last time I was in a hospital promptly locked me out of my room so as to "socialize" with the other patients. ??? Even after I explained.)

So reading, if that's your thing, is an excellent thing to do. You can even get free ebooks if you have something to read on (if you don't have a kindle, it could be a phone or a laptop or even desktop computer) . Oh. I am stupid. Anyone reading this message board has at least a bit of access to one of those things!

There are other things like a movie or even binge-ing on a tv show, or painting of course as Kona mentioned. Whatever your most favorite thing is. Another similar thing is, despite my advanced age of 36 ;) , I ran across a children's craft set and gave that a go. I was never what you would call "crafty", but it was something I could do to distract my mind - not always, but sometimes it has been enough to keep me going. The adult coloring books that seem to have become a craze, I also like those.

These are things I personally like to do. Everyone is different. And I can't *always* do them. I do my share of staring at the wall, thinking bad things about myself. The types of things I've listed here are good for me personally, when I begin to feel obsessive - aka prime "cutting" time. Not much good for anything worse, unfortunately...but at least it's something to at least try to fill some of the long amounts of time that I am stuck in my parents' house, lacking human contact and needing distraction.

I think keep lists can help people get through all kinds of things. In this case, I would suggest this to anyone capable of going do... As someone pointed out, when they get into "cutting mode" it can be impossible to remember them, when you need them most. In the example of ice, I might write that at the top of a list, in this case: "Things to Do Instead of Self-harm."

The key to these lists is making them when you feel most healthy. Even if you cannot do anything on that list, simply looking at it might remind a person "hey, I DO feel like doing these things sometimes. I DO enjoy these things. I can't do them now, but I know that I can. And I know that I will be able to do them again."
That's less the ice and read marker, that might be a separate list. Whatever works for you. It's a very individualized thing, varies from person to person.

I hope you've found some way to distract yourself - or if not, you've gotten past it, this time at least. Cutting, to me, is a deeply miserable thing to have on my mind. But even when these tactics have not worked... such feelings have always gone away eventually. It's tough because those are times when I can't even imagine happiness.

 

[EmmaOwl]

it sounds more like an unimaginative therapist than an uncooperative client

Yes. I'm glad I can see that now. At the time, I didn't really understand that I had a choice. I asked my mother if I could try therapy, someone recommended that therapist to my mother, so that's where we went. At 16 years old, how was I to know how therapy was "supposed" to work! I left her fairly quickly, but even worse I left thinking I had done something wrong

Looking back, I think part of the problem was the location of her practice; it's likely she saw a lot of over-privileged children (who, hey, have plenty of problems too! Some the same, some different) but in this case, she did not know what to do with someone as ill as I was at that time. And she was not willing to admit it.

All hallmarks of unhelpful treatment. But I was too young, too new to the process. I was the kid wearing levi jeans and a flannel over a concert t - aka grunge. lol Great for "winning" the staring-at-the-wall game. A child and adolescent therapist should know how to handle that, though, not just accuse a kid of not cooperating. Heck I was there because I had asked to be there. It wasn't my fault how I acted; it was her job to bring me around.

These are things that have taken me an awfully long time to figure out.

I still feel vindicated when I go off on and rant and my current therapist says how ridiculous that person was. :)