"you Did It To Yourself"

[Amaranthine]

"You did it to yourself"
My grandma said when I first told her the full extent of what my brother had done to me and how it caused me PTSD.
I've never heard anything more hurtful in my entire life, but it was healing because I knew somewhere in the back of her mind she blamed me.
She said the treatment program my brother in was worse than prison, when meanwhile it was a luxury treatment program with highly recommended mental health resources. She said that some of the people in the program didn't get to see their family members which made it in inhumane. I said in response "Well, some of the things family members say to their kin are more harmful than helpful, like when you said 'you did it to yourself"
He retort was that it was bullshit.
When I asked he to write me an apology letter she sent a quote 'love does not keep account of injury'
Sorry, I am injured, I will continue to be injured, and you injured me more.
You who payed a cool 20k for the premier city lawyer to defend my brother when he raped his next casualty.
You who tried to hire a gaggle of psychologists for y brother while I missed school, isolated and afraid
You who take for granted the scars I took when I shrugged off when he said would murder me but cared enough when he threatened to murder my family. All this time I spent trying to spare people from my hurt when they never would have cared. I should have been an inconvenience all along.
Has anyone else been told you did it to yourself when they were diagnosed?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Has anyone else been told you did it to yourself when they were diagnosed?

Indeed! My dad's first two questions when he found out i was raped at 7 and my mom & step dad beat me (no way i allowed anything else to come out), he asked (about the rape) "did you enjoy it" because, though i was 7, if i did enjoy it, it made it not rape and totally ok in his mind. That f*cks with my head still today and this was like 15 yrs ago and he also asked what i did to make my mom and step dad beat me. Again to make it ok in his head.

Since he has minimized my entire past though now at age 75 he cant seem to remember those two questions or key red flags when i was growing up that he missed.

My family just dont believe me. My dad blames me for all that he beleves.

I stopped caring. I had to. My family was emotionally distroying me and i was self distructing, several suicide attempts was because of them. Watching the ones that did turn their back and walk away was more then I could take. My therapist helped me back away from the drama and back up from it and see it for what it is, complete bullshit and then cutting contact came easier.

But it seems like you are seeing that statement for what it is, bullshit. And your brother a sick abuser that doesnt see he did anything wrong. And he may never and im sorry about that! :hug: You did great here!

 

[Gs172003]

"You did it to yourself"
My grandma said when I first told her the full extent of what my brother h...

Honey. She sounds hateful and sick. She doesn't deserve you.

 

[NaeNae75]

"You did it to yourself"
My grandma said when I first told her the full extent of what my brother h...

Yes, unfortunately, I feel your pain. In fact, a few of my cousins and myself were attacked by our grandmother and aunt when we came forward about a different cousin's indiscretions towards us. I cut most of my family off because of this. In fact, when my grandmother died and I wouldn't go to her funeral, I was considered the "bad guy" again.

I'm pretty sure that one of the reasons they defended my cousin so fervently is because they felt responsible. My aunt got married to a demented individual that adopted my cousin. He then proceeded to molest her for years and years. She in turn molested quite a few of the rest of us.

Honestly, I don't give a damn. These people don't have my health in mind, so I don't care what they think. I hope someday, you can be around people who love you because they want to. Not pretend they do because of blood.

Funny thing is, my cousin stopped molesting us when I think she became old enough to realize it was "wrong". Oddly enough, I don't harbor any anger towards her anymore. She passed away from a diabetes related incident when she was 29. What she did was wrong and she should have known better, but I understand. What I don't understand is that my "family elders" thought it was okay to blame and chastise us. That is unforgivable.

I hope you can find peace for how you feel. I hope you realize that you can't control their misplaced loyalties. You are not alone, and you are not bad, and you did nothing wrong. NOTHING.

 

[Hope69]

I was thinking this morning that some people should not raise children. I'm sorry for the hurtful, ignorant and cruel words you have all experienced.
When I first developed the full range of disabling symptoms, my mom said she couldn't be around me because it hurt her too much and that my problem was that i couldn't behave like an adult. I suppose she meant I couldn't swallow my emotions and pretend I was fine, though I had for many years.
She isn't like that now and I sent her some info. I don't think she can fully acknowledge her part in the family disfunction since she has gotten through it was mostly physical illnesses and not the mental sort. It would also hurt her to really get it.
I'm mostly OK with that since she is supportive of me and kind. But I do keep a bit of distance.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry that this happened to you at all. You are innocent and did the right thing in telling the truth and did not deserve to be hurt so cruelly like that at all in my way.

Kids are supposed to go to the adults and have the adults believe, love, help, support the child so the child can begin to try to heal.

I am so angry that this happened to so many people. It happened to me later on in life when I was an adult. But it so vastly different when you as a child became the family scapegoat to blame and to shelter the abuser.

 

[Deleted member 541]

When I finally told my mother that my brother was abusing me, she called me a whore and said I deserved it. I was 15 at the time. She died when I was 41, and just before she passed, I went to see her in the hospital, and said to her.... "Mom, I can forgive you, if you can forgive me." She said she didn't want to discuss it. I left, she died a couple of weeks later. Didn't go to her funeral or wake.

So yes, I know how you feel and I empathize with what you are going through. You are a survivor, not a victim.... remember that always.....

 

[Gs172003]

Why do so many people suck? Ugh.

 

[Amaranthine]

Why do so many people suck? Ugh.

Ignorance and self centred-ness.
Some people prioritize being aware after trauma, some people use focusing only on themselves with no regard for others as almost a meditation. Of course, they look for the same empathy they won't give themselves. Even my aunt said to my mom in regards to my grandma, if you're looking for emotional compassion look elsewhere.

My grandma in particular went from, admitting she couldn't remember what she said, saying you've never lied to me before so if you say I said it I believe you but seemingly not apologizing or admitting it, saying she shouldn't have spoken at all, (which is like saying I should have thought it, but you shouldn't have known about it.) to saying that's bullshit!
What a rollercoaster of inconsistency. There's so much insincerity. Even my mom remembered her saying it

When she was with my mom, I sent her a message about responsibility via my moms cell, she refused to read it at the time. When I brought it up to her she said my mom never said it was for her, but I consulted my mom on it and it was confirmed that my mom did tell her. To compound the evidence, when I tried to read it out loud to her she kept interrupting me. She was impatient, rather than listening to me as reparation. Is it really so horrible to listen to me speak? She lied to me and worst of all she bore false witness about my mother. That takes a real amount of self obsession.

 

[LaceySA]

My diagnosis came years after I knew what I was suffering from. Many people I told about my psychological struggles told me that I did it to myself. My abuse occurred while I was a drug addict and for that reason everyone I knew attributed it to the drugs and some even wrote me off as brain damaged from drug use.

One of these type of experiences happened with a woman I thought had come to be my best friend after the abuse I suffered was all over. She had a master's in psychology, she was the one I first confided in about the night terror, and the panic attacks, and the inability to leave my house sometimes for weeks on end. When she finally saw me in that state because I forced myself to a public event as support for her, she accused me of relapsing into drugs and asked if I didn't think maybe it was drug induced psychosis.

This woman wasn't just my closest friend, she was also thirty some years older than me and had filled a maternal role for me, as my mother was emotionally abusive. This woman meant so much to me and I had known her for nearly my entire life. I had met her when I was 6 and she was my first grade teacher and the first person that really made me feel like I was something. We had been friends for my whole life.

I was crushed when she asked my if it was drugs after I had had so many conversations with her about PTSD and my symptoms, and knowing that she had a background in psychology and knew about PTSD. Our friendship ended because I could never trust her again.

 

[aut555]

My diagnosis came years after I knew what I was suffering from. Many people I told about my psychologic...

Some people really get off in gaining your trust then turning around and slapping you down. Sadistic kind of response, l think. Maybe she was dumped for one reason or another by friend/boyfriend/family and pulled the same on you.

It seems that our culture stands up for boys/men. But l notice more people in general starting to stand up for sexual abuse shown to woman. It's a start.

 

[LaceySA]

Some people really get off in gaining your trust then turning around and slapping you down. Sadistic kin...

I don't think she intended to harm me. I've known her nearly my entire life. She just couldn't understand. I think it frightened her seeing me like that and she came to the wrong conclusion. I don't understand why, but people often react in fear to mental illness and that turns to anger, guilt, and blame.