Strongest Self Harm Urges In Years

[ShodokanJenn]

So it's been lots of years since I last cut. I'm having too much trouble focusing to remember exactly how many. But tonight, for unknown reasons, I am having the strongest urges I've felt in years. Everything inside me is screaming out to do it. To be honest, I am wishing that when the urges first started up a few hours ago, I'd just given in then and cut. Because they weren't so intense so I would have been less likely to do serious damage. These urges are so strong that if I gave in, I'm pretty sure I'd need some massive stitches. Last time things were this intense, I ended up with over 120 stitches in one go. That CAN'T happen again. I HAVE to beat this. I'm doing everything I can think of to distract and redirect.

Any good thoughts, words of advice, encouragement, hugs, prayers would be really appreciated.

 

[Joan]

Definitely sending hugs your way. I hate how these things resurrect and haunt. I do not have the magic thing to make the urge go away...just want you to know that you are not alone in this, that you are in my thoughts. Are there things that have worked in the past to help you ride out the urges?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Definitely sending hugs your way. I hate how these things resurrect and haunt. I do not have the magic t...

Thanks, @Joan
I am doing everything that's ever worked - distraction, coloring, writing, tv, music, dancing, working out, martial arts, square breathing with and without meditation, guided imagery, progressive relaxation, kitty snuggles... I emailed my T to tell him what's going on and that I'll check in with him tomorrow, to give myself some accountability. I posted here. I don't know what else to do, to be honest. It's just intensifying.

 

[Joan]

Kudos for reaching out and trying all these things...sounds like you have done all that you can...you have really reached out and been vulnerable and asked to be held accountable. Now just try to be kind to yourself, take sweet care of your heart no matter the outcome.

 

[sun seeker]

Two ideas you haven't mentioned: have you tried pressure? Sometimes works for me, I don't know about you. Wrap yourself tightly in a soft blanket; put something heavy on top of yourself (the idea is something like a weighted blanket, but whatever you can find really); or put pressure on the places you want to cut. Someone who used to post on here said compression bandages helped.

Or, you could try cold. It has the effect of bringing you back into your body. @joeylittle has posted a bunch of times about cold showers. I sometimes find that putting my head under a cold tap or putting an ice pack on my face or neck helps.

I know you're doing the best you can. I hope the urge passes and you feel better soon. If not, do go to the E.R. sooner rather than later.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Two ideas you haven't mentioned: have you tried pressure? Sometimes works for me, I don't know abou...

Thanks @sun seeker

I just tried a cold shower. It was very unpleasant, but the urges are still just as strong. I typically panic when cold, and also when receiving deep pressure. But I'm going to try using ice cubes on the areas that are screaming out.

 

[sun seeker]

Hmm... if nothing is working and it is very intense, it might be time to go to the E.R. Do you have a sense of how many more things you will try before you get to that point? Sounds like the urge is very persistent.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Hmm... if nothing is working and it is very intense, it might be time to go to the E.R. Do you have...

@sun seeker I will keep fighting until my husband gets home. Then I'm hoping his presence will help me refocus and get more grounded. I really don't want to go to the ER, but with urges like this, if I run out of fight, I will have no choice.

 

[sun seeker]

It's good that you have that figured out. When your husband does get home, is it possible he could hide whatever you were thinking of cutting with until the urge passes? Just so it isn't so tempting?

When is he supposed to get home?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

It's good that you have that figured out. When your husband does get home, is it possible he could...

He's home now. We're in bed waiting for my sleep meds to kick in. I think sleep would be an excellent thing right now.

 

[sun seeker]

Good idea. Sleep well!

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Had a LOT of SUPER vivid dreams last night, all about cutting myself. When I'd wake up, I could physically feel the cut, and was scared I'd actually done something to myself. Thankfully, it was all just dreams. This afternoon, things settled down a bit, but now as the sun goes down and the wind picks up and the temperature drops, I'm ramping back up again. I don't know what exactly to do about this, but I have to figure out something. This is not a sustainable pattern. Something has to change.