Strongest Self Harm Urges In Years

[sun seeker]

:hug:

Thinking of you. It sounds absolutely awful.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

:hug:

Thinking of you. It sounds absolutely awful.

Thank you, @sun seeker . It's miserable. But it would be worse if I gave in.

 

[sun seeker]

Somewhere, between that rock and hard place where you are stuck, there is a place where you feel content and peaceful. You can't see it right now, but it's there. I hope it becomes apparent very soon.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

. I started when I was five.

I started when I was 7. I completely understand. My therapist says its my comfort zone and when theres a very hard spot we tend to go back to our comfort zone.

For me, stopping had to do with why i was doing it but staying stopped has to do with distraction. Sometimes we will go back to why I want to so bad so its generally the mix of the two. So maybe talk to your therapist about whats making you want to?

That doesnt seem to work for many, just thought id throw it out there.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Somewhere, between that rock and hard place where you are stuck, there is a place where you feel con...

Thanks, @sun seeker . I sure hope you are right. I could really use some content, peaceful feelings.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@lostforgottensoul , thank you. I don't know why I have these urges. I don't actively WANT to hurt myself, but I feel COMPELLED to do so. Does that even make sense?? It's almost like someone is standing there with a gun to my head, ordering me to harm myself or they'll shoot. I don't want it, but it feels like there's no way out of it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does that even make sense??

It does, I get it.

Remember a while back when you were talking to me about the rituals? I changed one but the remainder I stopped because I realized, after that one, that I wasnt in danger anymore. That i wasnt be held at gunpoint, you know? Its not just about distraction for those of us thats been "programmed". Its about realizing that that program doesnt carry a threat anymore. You know?

Now how I did that is a mystery. It all hindged on the one. But its about the feeling of threat. Realizing the threat is not really there.

 

[sun seeker]

I feel COMPELLED to do so. Does that even make sense??

It does to me. I've felt like that, and what I found was it had a very different origin from my more usual self-harm urges. Sorry I've missed if you said this, but do you have a therapist? It sounds like you need to get at what is causing this before you can figure out how to make it stop.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

It does to me. I've felt like that, and what I found was it had a very different origin from my mor...

I do have a T. I see him on Thursday this week. I emailed him to let him know what's going on. He's very good at getting to the bottom of things, so I suspect he'll be able to help me.

 

[sun seeker]

Oh good. Thursday feels like a long time when you are going through this, though. Any chance he could see you sooner? Or even have a chat on the phone?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Oh good. Thursday feels like a long time when you are going through this, though. Any chance he co...

Thursday is a long time. I emailed him today. He got back to me a few minutes ago, and his words are exactly what I needed to hear. I still feel absolutely awful, but I've got a little better perspective on it now. His schedule is always full - I usually make my appointments 3 months in advance. So getting in to see him sooner isn't likely to happen. But if I really need to talk to him, I can email him and ask him to call me. He gets his email on his phone, so even if he's not at work, it's the fastest way to contact him.

I am just tired, truthfully. So tired of fighting. But somehow, some way, I'll keep doing it. I have to.

 

[sun seeker]

Glad your therapist was able to help even a little. I hope you are sleeping like a log! :hug: