How To Stop Trying To Fix

[Draiocht]

How do you let go of the need to fix things, fix people?

There are several complicated relationships in my life right now. Even though I know that my mother won't stop taking a differing opinion or questioning some of her more naive beliefs as being a direct attack of her character, even though I know that my boss is power tripping in her new role and doesn't want me thinking for myself because she's smarter and more qualified than me, I can't stop trying to sort these things out, to solve them.

From what I am learning in therapy it's a common issue in people with CPTSD. 'If I could just change this, everything would be okay.' One of my therapists responds to my frustration with these people by saying 'that's just how she is, there's no way to change it.' And I know that's true. But it feels like when my boyfriend tells me to just chill out or ignore it. I know I should be doing that but how?

Instead I end up engaging in exhausting conversations that get us nowhere and sometimes make things worse, and even though I see that I can't stop picking at it. How do you make your peace with things you can't change?

 

[Friday]

I ask myself what I'm wiling to do about it.

 

[Gs172003]

Good question! I've always been that way.

 

[mamachick]

I believe this is rooted in the dysfunctional family. I attend ACOA groups and have addressed this 20 yrs before having ptsd. It was helpful in gaining better communication skills through practice, "the serenity prayer" basically. It helped me to be more assertive and focus on my response or action rather than others, which of course we can't change. With the help of many books on co dependency or adult children of alcoholics, I became much more effective in my relationships, and much happier. After ptsd, I slipped back horribly, and now am going back and re-learning, or rather having to re-practice.

For me, it means reading about it every single day or going to a meeting. It helps me identify my fears that fuel the thinking.

 

[Hope69]

the million dollar question :) The worst for me is trying to change myself, that is what gets me in the hottest water.
I think the first step is accepting how their behevior makes you feel. Ultimately we want to change something because it makes us uncomfortable or hurts us.
The next step is setting boundaries so that you can feel safe. For example, distance yourself, or set a limit on certain conversations. THe boss one is tricky since she is in a position of power. In what ways do you need to think for yourself, or can insist on having control of some aspects of your work. She may not change, but there may be some ways that you can make decisions in the work place exercise your own competence.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have no clue how to stop this kind of thought process or behavior that we do. I do know though that it's frustrating to have to put up with it.

I have a friend of over 30 yrs. She's married to a narcissist asshole and I have listened to her complain, bitch, moan, groan and cry almost EVERYDAY for all of those 30 yrs. I've offered advice, solutions, hugs, long phone calls and a shoulder. 2 days ago I snapped. She isn't answering my test or phone calls. *relief*

Not my problem, but for the past 30 yrs, I've wanted to pull my hair out.

Personally, I think it's a control issue. I think that when confronted with the shit of others that bothers us deeply, we think that if we can just change it, fix it, then it won't bother us anymore. That to me, is a control issue. I could be wrong, but that's what I think.

 

[Gs172003]

I used to work in daycare. There was a cook there that once told me that " I can't fix the whole world ". I thought ha! Watch me

 

[Draiocht]

brat17, sounds like a day by day process? Some days I am much better at leaving things alone than others, it's making sure I catch myself on the worse days.

Hope69, I am terrible at changing myself! I have made a few big leaps recently in swallowing my pride (and it's crazy how much pride you can have when you don't even like yourself) but it is so difficult. I think I have difficulties with how it makes me feel too. I'm still not 100% on identifying my emotions and even though I can say "this has made me feel bad" I then feel like I have to justify it and make sure I'm not just overreacting. Then there's the whole black and white approach, where I still can't sit comfortably with someone causing me this much distress not actually being a completely horrible human being. Not predictable. Brrrr.

The boss situation is definitely tougher; at least I can choose when I see my family but I have to go into work 5 days a week! For the time being I'm just keeping it polite and brief, and communicating by email as much as possible. I often find after conversations that my brain got so foggy from feeling threatened I forgot every point I had to make...

She Cat, definitely control related! I am a huge perfectionist and I have to keep reminding myself that life isn't that simple even if you could solve all the problems surrounding you.

 

[swtdixegrl]

Wow. This is exactly how I am. I am slowly learning that I can't fix, save, nor heal everyone as bad as I want to. I was married for 17 yrs to a narcissistic asshole and always stayed thinking i could change him. Little did i know that he had complete control of me. I finally got the strength and courage to leave and it wasn't easy considering we have 3 boys together. But I want my kids to see what a loving relationship looks like and how you are suppose to treat a woman. Fast forward a few months and I have been in a relationship with a guy that I went to highschool with that I secretly had a crush on but I never would admit it nor act on it. 10 yrs ago we reconnected online while he was in Iraq but I was still married at the time. November 2015 we started talking again and I fell madly in love with him. He moved in with me in March. Everything was perfect. This was the man I had been waiting for my whole life. Then in August out of no where he told me he "didn't love me" and left. He was gone maybe 3 weeks and came back. Again everything was fine. After a few days he got arrested for some minor charges that happened 3 yrs ago...failure to appear. Again...he went ghost for 3 weeks. He called me up one day and asked me to come get him. He told he me loved me and only wanted to be with me forever. He knew now that he was meant to be with me. He wanted everything we had discussed and wanted to marry me. He said he had never had anyone in his heart like me. So I caved and went and got him but as soon as I picked him up I could tell something was wrong. This was not the man I had fallen in love with. He was a complete emotional wreck. He cried the whole weekend he was with me. Telling me that he didn't deserve me. Kept asking me "why are you so good to me?" Said he couldn't give me the life I deserved. I reassured him that he had my heart and that I wanted him beside me in life. I believe that he is the one for me. My purpose so to speak. I assumed everything was going to be okay that we would work through this. I left for work on Sept. 26th and he left again. He called me and said it's over. It has been 3 weeks again since I last spoke to him. I had a mutual friend call and check on him because I was worried about him. At least I know he is "okay" but I don't know what to do.
A little background info.....before he left the first time he started having nightmares and started getting distant. He had flashbacks from being over in Iraq. He told me the first time he had to distance himself from me for fear of self destruct and didn't want me nor my son around to witness it. The second time he was afraid I would leave him due to getting arrested. This time I seriously don't know what the issue is. I believe he has combat PTSD but he doesn't and hasn't seen anyone for it. This is where my "want to fix him" kicks in. I love this man with everything in me and want to be by his side. I give him the space he needs but it is killing me that he needs help and I can't fix him. I want to save him from himself but I can't. I'm torn between waiting and holding on and letting go. I think he is confused, ashamed, and stressed and cant process everything. How do you tell someone you love them and want to marry them one day and then the next day say it's over????

 

[mamachick]

swtdixegrl-I am sorry you are going through all of this, but you DO deserve much better. If this is how things are early in the relationship, it will only get worse.
Does this guy have control of your emotions now? I am guessing he does, I know the situation would be controlling mine if I were in your place. This can keep a person off balance...I know it has me, and dealing with too much of this has eventually caused myself to be the loony one.
I think its control, and we all want control of our lives. We can control much, but not all of things and we can't control others feelings and behaviors.

The work stuff is the hardest of situations. The only thing that has helped me in those situations is to pull my emotions out of the game, do my job, not expect any praise and not take things personally. (a lot of self talk) Then it was still difficult.

 

[Pixielicious]

I have a saying which I live by "change the things you can and accept the things you cannot change" and
"you can't change anybody except your own attitude about them"
I learned a long time ago to stop trying to 'fix' people because the only person I can truly fix, is myself..... :inlove:

 

[shimmerz]

How do you let go of the need to fix things, fix people?

Easy. I am too busy getting myself fixed to be worried about other people these days.