Making Final Arrangements, Wisdom Or Depression?

[Lionheart]

I am disabled with Major Depression and C-PTSD. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder (which usually hits me about this time of year).

Lately, I have been wanting to make final arrangements for my eventual passing from this world, although I am not dying, and cannot decide if it is just time to do this stuff, (as I am getting older), or if this may be a sign of depression sinking in.

I am wanting to create a living will, purchase life insurance, make my wishes known to my family etc. etc.

I have even made a CD of songs to be played at my funeral (which will take place at the local veterans cemetery).

Can anyone help me decide if I am depressed, being morbid, or acting in wisdom?

To give a little background; I recently dreamed that I was shot to death, my mother has gone into a nursing home, I lost my dad in December of 2012, and I suffer from obstructive sleep apnea, (meaning I could possibly die in my sleep).

I think about death and dying daily.

I also struggle with chronic pain and fatigue for which I am no longer being medicated.

Anyone have any suggestion as to how I can figure this out? Maybe it is not one or the other but both. hmm something else to think about.

I worry that depression is being sneaky with me and I want to address the issue as soon as possible with a doctor but I am not in therapy at this time.

Any insight into this will be greatly appreciated!!!

Thanks,
Lionheart777

 

[henamedmeowl]

I think about death and dying daily too. I am not sure if it's a good thing or bad thing. It's just how I've been for so long. Are you seeing a T? If so..I would probably bring it up there. Sometimes when I travel I try to get things in order before I go ..I have no idea where this comes from..but I know we should all plan a little I think. I am probably not the best person to responding to this considering my day to day behavior..anyway hugs :-)

 

[Friday]

Some from column A & some from column B?

When I was doing well, and hadn't been suicidal for years? I had my estate planned and updated yearly. Which, to cringe at the turn of phrase, was overkill. But I wanted there to be a long history of parental wishes regarding custody in place should there be a court battle following my death. AKA Healthy family gets custody, abusive family does NOT get custody. I also had my life insurance payouts allocated to each individual, and updated letters. I met with my attorney once a year and just made sure everything was taken care of.

When I'm doing badly? All that lapses. Not on purpose, I just can't adult & can't paperwork very well. The few times I DO get all "I should get on that" it's a big tell for me that I'm getting more deeply suicidal than usual. Which makes it a hard thing, because it's "one less thing". I don't have to worry about those I love being taken care of. I don't have to worry at the motherf*cking nightmare of estate/probate/debts/taxes on top of what they'll already have to be dealing with.

Conversely? When I'm starting to do better I start taking care of my affairs better, too. Part of which means estate planning.

Where I personally draw the line, is that if I have money for life insurance? I buy it. Because shit happens. Suicide doesn't pay out, but some asshole running me over? Cancer? Bubonic plague? Yep. So at the very least, should fate spit in my eye, I'm not leaving my family with nothing but grief and debts. The rest of it? I ignore, until I'm doing better. I'm dead, afterall, and funerals are for the living, not the dead. They can do that as they wish.

 

[aut555]

So is it time to get something for the chronic pain? Can you? Or can you get a breathing apparatus to sleep with less stress? If something can help to make your life easier so you can have some improvement of quality of life. SAD really is improved with a light box that you sit in front for about 30-40 mins. Our cat would even sit in front of it, that's how effective it is. They run about 100+ dollars. My soon to be ex psy md did prescribe for vets at a Midwest hospital. Or is it time for changing your antidepressant? Good luck, sending compassion.

 

[Lionheart]

Yes, Some from Column A and some from Column B...I think you are right @Friday Thank you!!!

@aut555 My doctor just took me off of my fibromyalgia medication citing that it is soon to become a controlled substance and this time next year doctors won't be prescribing it, he said. :( He did not offer to replace it with a different medication and I am seriously considering a new doctor because I didn't like his bedside manner or his prescribing practices.

Fortunately for me, I am inheriting a hospital bed and this will help my pain and my quality of sleep. :) I use a C-pap machine to help me breathe and it has improved the quality of my sleep.

I really can't afford a lightbox so what I usually do is purchase a couple $10 light bulbs that put out natural light, similar to a grow light for plants. I use it all day long and It helps, but I haven't done it this year and need to make that a priority. I wish my insurance would cover a light box but it won't for some reason. Thank you so much for the suggestions!!!

I am on 60 mg of Cymbalta as well as 10 mg of Abilify so, I am thinking I will stay with this regimen for now but, will consider changing if S.A.D. triggers Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome like it tends to do around this time of year.


So far it hasn't done so but we have had lots of sunshine and unseasonably warm weather of late.

 

[aut555]

Sounds like you have a good game plan!

 

[shimmerz]

Anyone have any suggestion as to how I can figure this out?

When you make your plans (finalize), can you then let the thoughts of death go? Or are you feeling like it is giving you a purpose for dwelling?

 

[Lionheart]

I believe I could let the thoughts go, if I were to finalize my plans.

I think I am going to feel a bit unsettled about things until I do.

I want to get back to the business of focusing on life and living it well.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Lionheart777 I had a will drawn up a few yrs ago when I was planning my suicide. Apparently that didn't work. Anyways, I just had it updated last month with changes. My friend knows my wishes and wants regarding my after life wishes. No wake, no funeral, and cremation.

I think all of us have a bit of depressed thinking when it comes to this, but on the flip side, having everything in order makes it so much easier for those left behind. They are aware of what we wanted, it's all spelled out, and they aren't left wondering and scrambling when they're dealing with grief.

Also wanted to mention.... Have you had your vitamin D level checked recently??? Most DRs recommend that your level be around 30, but I find for me, if I can get mine up to around 70, my depression is almost gone. Just low levels of depression when my vit D is high. But if I back off of supplementing vit d, then my depression skyrockets. In the summer months, I take 2000 daily, and in winter months it's 5000 IU's.

 

[Lionheart]

Excellent, thank you @She Cat

and I appreciate the reminder to have my Vit D level checked. I once was deficient about two years or so ago and may be again, I will certainly look into this!

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Sounds like a bit of both.

I have light boxes and lamps but haven't used them in awhile. They are great------just remember to use them in the morning hours or else it could mess up your sleep patterns.

 

[shimmerz]

I believe I could let the thoughts go, if I were to finalize my plans.

I think I am going to feel a bit unsettled about things until I do.

I want to get back to the business of focusing on life and living it well.

Then this sounds really healthy, doesn't it? Attending to something for a freeing lifestyle? Good for you!