Sexual Assault I Was Sexually Assaulted And I Don't Care

[foreveralone2099]

i endured a lot of sexually abusive behavior as a young woman but i don't think the actual incidents of assault effected me over much. the generally hostile environments seemed worse.

it's hard to understand how others are so moved by their respective assaults. perhaps if i had been brutally raped it had been different. i can relate however to feelings of being sexually, romantically indifferent. how do you guys ever move past that? i seem to be incapable of longterm romantic relationships due to ongoing sexual problems.

 

[foreveralone2099]

to be clearer i'm wondering if people who have had many, discrete traumas find the symptoms from one masking the other.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why am I "moved" by the CSA?

I exploded like a ticking time bomb.

Once upon a time I was just like you.

"It was nothing. It didn't affect me."

But it did.

Sexual activity made me freak out.

Fast forward, was triggered, Pandora's box exploded, and suddenly it all made sense.

I didn't know I was numb to the abuse for many years.

 

[foreveralone2099]

I exploded like a ticking time bomb.

Once upon a time I was just like you.

"It was nothing. It didn't affect me."

But it did.

sounds like i have something to look forward to then. :)

i was abused so badly growing up that i'm too out of touch with my physical needs to enjoy that kind of intimacy. i hate people touching me. i don't think there's a way to move past that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well, i wouldn't call any of my or anyone else's trauma "discrete" but my symptoms are of the total. I have had a huge amount of traumas throughout my entire life. If measureable some were worse then others. Some were unimaginable. They effect me as a whole.

So no, one does not cover the other. When I was in denial for 10 years, I was denial of the sum total and when my brain forced me out of denial, also it was the sum total that caused my life to go insane. Would if had if the sum total weren't so unimaginable? I will never know. We are all effected to trauma differently. But "just CSA" without brutality can still, and often does, effect someone in a very huge way. And it is justified to. So how can someone become "moved" by CSA? Because it's trauma and it is how human brains work. Though all work different and and process different.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I used to be pretty numb to it all. In my mind it 'didn't count' or it wasn't that bad. It didn't affect me, (I liked to tell myself that, it totally did)I didn't think about it I didn't want to look at that part of me. No, push it away pretend it didn't happen.

It wasn't until I really looked at it that I realised how f*ck it all was. Because it didn't count I had to recategorise it in my mind. I had to allow myself to know the truth and be pissed and feel hurt, shame and grieve for it. I thought for a long time it didn't affect me but it was slowly burning a hole inside and eventually it burned right through and I was raw and I finally felt it all, all at once I felt everything, it was hell.

for sure I think in the numb period it was shown in other areas I was upset, really upset about the neglect and emotional abuse maybe more so than was appropriate for it, when it was maybe the other stuff that was really the main cause of my pain. I don't know, all I know is the emotional abuse and neglect doesn't hurt as bad anymore not compared with the csa.

 

[foreveralone2099]

sorry you guys nothing consensual just inappropriate touching.

i think the hardest part for me is knowing that other people around me saw it and let it happen, because i was someone, in their eyes, who deserved everything i got and more.

if anything is bothering me about it it's knowing how shit people can be. i have a lot of married (guy) friends now and i can't imagine how that works. how does one manage to have a stable, nonabusive relationship with someone? i'm scared to even try, it's all i know and i'll probably inevitably attract even more f*ckwads.

 

[Gs172003]

Why am I "moved" by the CSA?

I exploded like a ticking time bomb.

Once upon a time I was just...

Omg. That's it! That's what happened to me last year!
Crap

 

[Gs172003]

Omg. That's it! That's what happened to me last year!
Crap

Though mine wasn't CSA. Damn girl. I'm sorry.

 

[Gs172003]

sorry you guys nothing consensual just inappropriate touching.

i think the hardest part for m...

You are numbing it because it's waaaaaaay easier than hurting.

 

[foreveralone2099]

You are numbing it because it's waaaaaaay easier than hurting.

possibly but i feel like i've already moved past all this stuff? i was in a radfem phase for a while where all i did was talk about how shit guys were and this was one of the things i addressed. i dunno it seems to pale in comparison to the general objectification from all the men i knew at the time.

 

[Gs172003]

possibly but i feel like i've already moved past all this stuff? i was in a radfem phase for...

Then what do you have PTSD from?