Is It Wrong To Want Him To Understand & Accept Me?

[henamedmeowl]

All good things. Your plans and statements sound strong and healthy to me.

One question:

Does the idea...

I am not sure..I mean I want to get married as symbolic message to him that I love him and want to be with him...that's what marriage represents for me...so maybe that is scary and feels like a trap...because I am as most of you guys noticed torn...but over the weekend I had some really important breakthroughs..mentally...I am not exactly ready to share them here and I may never lol..but I will be bringing them up in therapy.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Keep in mind that if anything said on the interwebs isn't helpful, just disregard, and go with what you (and your therapist) figure out is right for you and your family most of all. :hug:

Thank You, I will bring up as much as I can next session you guys made really good points and I was uncomfortable but discomfort is where growth comes in.

 

[katz]

Thanks for saying that...I have been honest with him, I ask for what I want, I am clear and direct...

Just be sure that he understands what you need of him. If he can't give you what you need before you marry--then he can't after either. You both deserve to be happy. This is a big step for both of you, be sure of yourself before going in.

 

[amc1024]

I understand what you're going through. Since I started seeing a counselor, I've been trying to talk more about my trauma to my boyfriend but he kind of dismisses the conversation or won't comment back to what I say. The whole reason I started going to counseling was because all my fears, feelings, and anxiety were being bottled up because I felt like it was bothersome to keep talking about it. He told me I should go to see a counselor, and get help, but now I feel the same as before when I talk to him. The only time I feel like I can have a meaningful conversation with him is when I breakdown in front of him. I now find myself trying to figure out if I should end it because of the lack of support, or if I have already asked for too much. Hopefully you find some guidance from this site. I know from an outside perspective, if I had never experienced my trauma or had ongoing problems afterwards, I would say that your partner should always be there to support you.

 

[katz]

I understand what you're going through. Since I started seeing a counselor, I've been trying to talk mo...

Have you tried writing him a letter? I was amazed how much more I was able to say when I didn't have to look directly at him. This also gives him a chance to "digest" what you say and think about it. He might understand better when he has the chance to re read it again if he needs to. Some people can process faster then others.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I understand what you're going through. Since I started seeing a counselor, I've been trying to talk mo...

What you describe is similar to what I feel sometimes. It's like if I am a burden or something. I see a counselor myself and she isn't my partner...it's like I want to be able to share with him without him flipping out. I have broken down in front of him but I don't anymore because it does not change anything, I end up pulling myself back together again just like I would if I were alone. I appreciate you sharing it is difficult trying to find the point between getting support/asking for too much.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Have you tried writing him a letter? I was amazed how much more I was able to say when I didn't have to lo...

Yes, I have done this. He reads them and doesn't have anything to say. I written him lots and lots of times. I feel like I have tried everything. I am just relieved, we went to therapy yesterday. I think choosing a man was a really good idea.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Just be sure that he understands what you need of him. If he can't give you what you need before you marry...

Exactly. The question really is for me do I want to be with him in a relationship knowing full well that he has not treated me how I want for years meaning that he never will ? For me it is loaded question. I just don't know if therapy can fix all the problems. I should be hopeful but I am not partly because I have followed his dangling carrot of I will be there for you so long that I don't even desire it anymore. I am just going to keep going to therapy and try to do the work the therapist asks us to do at the same time though I won' t be a Pollyanna about the whole thing.

 

[katz]

Yes, I have done this. He reads them and doesn't have anything to say. I written him lots and lots...

If the new T is a man, perhaps it might be a good idea to have him see the T by himself for an appt.? He might come out and say some things that he won't say with you there. And talking to a man may make him more comfortable to talk, or to ask any questions.

I had my husband go with me to a few appts....he said that he felt like we were both "ganging up on him." So, I know that things would have been different had I not been there.

 

[henamedmeowl]

If the new T is a man, perhaps it might be a good idea to have him see the T by himself for an appt.? He m...

Sounds like a plan :-) Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I haven't been able to get through all of the comments, but here's my very limited perspective. You both have needs that are not being met, and you're each expecting the other to meet those needs, even though you're not even sure how to define what it is you need.

So, you're both unfulfilled and disappointed in each other because your needs aren't being met. You're both expecting something that the other is simply not capable of providing. It's quite possible that neither of you know what you are needing, so how can anyone else know?

After 18 years together, I've just realized that this is what brought my husband and me together, and it what is driving us apart. Dysfunctional people seek out other dysfunctional people. Victims and rescuers, rescuers and victims. It never turns out the way they expect it to, because even after rescuing/being rescued, the unfulfilled need is still lurking in the background.

The lesson I've learned this year is that you have to fix your own shit before you can maintain a healthy relationship.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I haven't been able to get through all of the comments, but here's my very limited perspective. Yo...

You're completely right. We actually have gotten into the nitty gritty of this what we want and expect from another and you're right neither of us can give it. I was willing to compromise in some way but he seems stuck ...I don't want to just walk away but its so hard with my cptsd and ddd to tolerate it all and stay getting better. He is triggering for me all the time and its exhausting to battle internally and externally everyday. We are fighting right now ...his words are all hateful attacks against himself its like he inflicts wounds to himself in an attempt to compel me to save him this manipulation I know well and I've always known what it was and it triggers me so much. Anyways I just want you to know that I agree. I recently realized that same truth.