Can't Tell Therapists This..

[anonymous]

I'm not in therapy any more but I'll have to return next year

I feel unable to say certain things

I am female and was sexually abused by a female relative

Some past therapists know the above

What I haven't been able to tell them is -

The abuse caused a sexual dysfunction - vaginismus

I think the abuse also caused me to be bisexual. I don't feel able to be with men. I don't think I ever will, I don't think I really want to. On the other hand, I feel sick at the thought of being with another woman. I looked it up, I think I have a thing called ego dystonic sexual orientation disorder.

This obviously affects me terribly.

I also have a problem eating. They know about this. I feel the effects of the abuse impact my inability to eat massively.

I'm too ashamed to tell them, but if I don't, how can I get better, how can I accept myself as I am?

I fear being judged by future therapists about this.

I don't know what to do.

 

[hodge]

Exactly. If you don't tell your T, how can you get better?

Experienced Ts have heard it all and will not judge you. I would say, find a T you feel comfortable with and trust enough to open up with about this eventually. Find your T! Good luck.

 

[corvidae]

i would think that any therapist worth their salt would be able to help, at the very least with further referrals to other more specialized therapists. in my own experience, dealing with sexual abuse and sexual orientation has been a complex but worthwhile journey, one of which i still see myself traveling.

i've got some eating issues as well, tied directly to the abuse. actually, any activity involving face/mouth/throat is a challenge; sometimes moreso than others.

seeing as you've done some research, can you go in with a list of questions/comments? that helps me feel a bit less anxious and judged, as i know i've done my own research and feel on a more even knowledge/power dynamic level with whatever professional i'm consulting. just my thoughts, though.

 

[rosey]

a good therapist would probably be picking up on your clues and already be aware of parts of these issues, maybe waiting for you to disclose that information fully yourself.

Some times you just have to take that risk and say all those things. I have had plently of shall i shant i tell moments and those that i did turned out ok. be brave.

 

[Rumors]

Really sorry...some of the same things plague me as well and I can't say them out loud. I am not bisexual and that would add another dynamic to the pot, however you have nothing to be ashamed over. I would urge you to find someone that has a lot of experience. Most of my trouble talking comes from my own shame and nothing my therapist has ever said or done to make me feel shame. It is self perpetuated.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm confused. You said you're bisexual but can't be with men or another woman. Is bisexual what you meant or am I misreading?/

I found my therapist on psychology.com. it listed all the issues she deals with including issues with sexuality. Is that an option you can try?

 

[expectingbetter]

All of this you stated to be your problems is nothing to be ashamed about. And any good therapist would see that this way. You just need to find the one with whom you feel comfortable and safe and then you won't have a problem to trust enough to confess.
We all feel shame, and our therapists know that and would do their best to help us.
Just try even several T until you find the one who is the good match for you, you will know when you find them. And don't start with this topic first, build your trust with some easier ones, I spent 5 months talking randomly until I was brave enough to share almost everything.

Just be sure you deserve help, and not to be judged for anything. And I think the right T and therapy would be able to help you concerning how you feel right now.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hi- I get how you feel. I do have some things I still can't say to my T- but it has nothing to do with her though.

As it was stated already- any good therapist won't react badly to this information at all. If anything, they will probably expect that you have some issues that have been created in connection to the abuse.

I was really scared when I first went to my current T on how she would react to things. Especially that she is double certified as phychiatrist as well, and the previous psychiatrist I talked about was kind of crass and made me feel worse and awkward(it was an intake interview so she can figure out what I need. never went back to her obviously).

But I have been with my current T for 6 months and she's been nothing but helpful and compassionate- more compassionate than I am with myself, usually. Anything I was scared to say, any reaction I had that I couldn't control was all taken well and she never made me feel inadequate. I think the right therapist will help you start to accept and work through your issues, not make you feel worse.

So just take a shot- and if the therapist makes you feel bad in any way- find another therapist. They are supposed to help you and be a part of your support system, so it has to be a person you're comfortable with. So that is totally okay.

 

[Ronin]

Personally, I'd worry less about what abuse made you feel in terms of orientation (at this point), unless it's something that's in forefront of your mind every day.

Thinking if you can have a sexual identity crisis later, when you're more equipped with coping tools for the abuse itself and separating what's what, then it's better addressed with time & information, rather than taking everything all at once when you're not grounded with primary issues themselves as they're too acute.

I'd work at getting eating & trauma sorted, first. As in trauma enough stabilized so you can stabilize your eating.
Then, when you've got that basic covered, working at any of the trauma stuff.
And with *that* out of the way, worrying about orientation & identity. Not prior.

So, is there any eating disorder + trauma therapist or dual diagnosis trauma program near you?

 

[anonymous]

Thanks everyone, all of your advice is really helpful. I was hurt very much by one past therapist, she looked at me like I was a freak for admitting I never had penetrative sex with past boyfriends.

I guess what I am thinking is I lean more towards women for a partner but I still have attractions to men also but because of the dysfunction I have I feel I would not make a good girlfriend for a man. But also that I am attracted to women is difficult because I think the abuse caused that.

It's so difficult to try to explain but in a nutshell, I have a fear of being raped, even though it was a woman who raped me.

 

[anonymous]

I hit send by accident, I just wanted to add that the abuse happened when I was a child, I didn't make that clear. And that some of it was painful and some was not. So, just super confusing.

It's taken me a lot of time being a member here before being able to actually type this today.

 

[expectingbetter]

It is so good thing you managed to verbalize it here.

The experience with your previous therapist makes you feel sometimes like everybody would look at you in the same way, but you just had come across the one who doesn't deserve to be in such noble profession.
Your issue doesn't make you being freak at all. Some women have the pretty same issue even they had never been abused neither by men or women.
We are all human and we all suffer from some issues even those people without ptsd.

Just try your best to find the good professional you could trust enough and be open enough with.
And try not to think of yourself like you wouldn't be a good partner to a man due to your issues, same as with T, if you find the right person you would be an excellent partner the exact way you are.