Sinking....

[BoN-bOn]

I was in a very abusive marriage for six years that I left ten years ago, only to return to my parents’ emotional Abuse. My mom passed away shortly after that, and my Dad’s controlling behavior got even worse. I attended school and worked until I was able to get my son and I a place of our own. I stayed involved with the local domestic violence shelter and even spoke at events about our story. I continued to go to school & am now an RN living in a different town that we moved to 3 years ago. For the first time in my life, I am totally free of abuse & control! I attempted my first relationship 2 years ago. We dated for 2 years, and during this time I realized that I still have so many unresolved issues. Issues stemming from the marriage, as well as childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I thought when I moved here, I could just put it all behind me and start over…apparently it doesn’t work that way. I realize that I can’t let anyone in…I don’t want anyone getting too close. I don’t want to be touched. Alcohol became a way to mask these feelings and appear “normal” in the relationship. This created a downward spiral for me. There wasn’t any abuse in this relationship. He was a GREAT guy & I tried so hard to make it work. He tried to understand, but the harder he tried, the more I pushed him away. I start EMDR therapy tomorrow for PTSD. I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has tried EMDR therapy. I never expected to have to deal with all of these issues again, but I realize that all this time I have been so busy in “survival mode,” that I never took the time to actually heal. Now that I’ve acknowledged what I need to do, all of the memories, feelings, and emotions of everything in my past have come flooding back like a tidal wave. The insomnia, horrible nightmares, and panic attacks are worse than ever before. I feel like I have re-lived a lifetime of hurt in the past three weeks! I keep hearing that it gets harder before it gets easier…I hope this is the “harder” part! I feel like I'm sinking & need someone to throw me a rope!

 

[EveHarrington]

The "harder" part doesn't start until after you start therapy.

 

[henamedmeowl]

@BoN-bOn

Im sorry you're going through this. I just want to say that i look forward to the day when I can say I'm free of abuse and control .I am working so hard on that right now....I've not had Emdr..so I can't speak to that but I can speak to survival mode. When I was 15 survival mode started for me it just ended almost 14 years later and that's when I had a resurgence of memories and pretty much hell. I got a lot accomplished externally in terms of work school etc in survival mode but nothing really moved internally. It looks like you got a lot done too and now your internal work is starting. I would say be kind to yourself, let it come the feelings and thoughts you've had bottled up for so long, let it out into the light, talk in therapy journal, get it out and process it. At least this has been what I've been doing. I should say that I'm not recovered or anything but this sort of work has helped me along. *hugs*

 

[BoN-bOn]

:(

 

[BoN-bOn]

The "harder" part doesn't start until after you start therapy.

:cry:

 

[BoN-bOn]

@BoN-bOn

Im sorry you're going through this. I just want to say that i look fo...

Thank

@BoN-bOn

Im sorry you're going through this. I just want to say that i look fo...

Thank you for your reply. It really does help to know that there are people out there who understand. Now that I think about it, I guess my "survival mode" did help me accomplish a lot...getting through the divorce and losing my Mom without losing it, nursing school, dealing with my Dad's controlling behavior, getting us a place of our own, & even moving away to a new state! So looking at it in a positive way, I guess it has been beneficial to me. But now that I can stop and breathe, I realize that I don't know how to LIVE, all I know how to do is SURVIVE. That's all I've ever known. Now I'm headed down this path of self-destruction & everything I've worked so hard for is on the line! I do hope that you can be free of abuse & control. I truly am not capable of understanding how someone can intentionally hurt another person. If you lined up everyone that has ever hurt me in my life, & gave me the chance to get revenge however I wanted I COULDN'T hurt any of them. I just wouldn't be able to intentionally hurt another person, no matter how much damage they caused in my life. You deserve to be your own person & so do I....I just have to figure out who that is & right now I don't like who I am becoming. :(

 

[henamedmeowl]

Thank


Thank you for your reply. It really does help to know that there are people out there who unde...

We have some similarities...I powered through losing my mom too...and I just kept going to school..getting my bachelors starting a career in teaching going into graduate school..and then all of a sudden waves starting coming..nightmares...panics...for me though this was triggered by my abuser finding me and contacting me...it wasn't something that just happened..because I felt safe and secure..I still don't and I am working toward that now...so that I can focus on healing and deal with it all. I also feel like I don't know how to live...I am trying to learn and understand it though..mostly I am daily trying to be myself..to know where I begin and end in reference to other people...I try to be a good mother..and create the life I want in the real world...I don't hate my mother..her neglect of me was not her fault but the later abuse I experienced...I am not sure...I still wish the man though that abused me had never existed not that I want to hurt him but I won't lie I imagined it over and over and attempted it too at a certain point. If I saw him today I wouldn't seek out revenge but I can't be 100 percent sure of that.

In terms of who you are becoming...I don't really see it like that but you are you and you know best...but I like to frame it as me sorta letting myself feel and process what happened to me...while I may not like the anxiety, fear, worry, terror, etc they aren't me..I hope that your therapy is helpful..and that you are gentle with yourself..really you have been through a lot..it's ok not to have everything together..

 

[BoN-bOn]

We have some similarities...I powered through losing my mom too...and I just kept going to school....

Thank you so much! Being gentle with myself is not something I'm very good at....I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I guess that's something I need to work on. Realizing that I don't have to be perfect anymore. I am so proud of all that you have accomplished...I think at times when I start feeling "crazy" for all the emotions & symptoms, it helps to take a look at what I HAVE accomplished to keep me grounded & give me strength to keep going. I am still in school...working on my bachelor's in nursing, although lately it has been hard to focus on writing papers. Maybe I should write a paper on PTSD

 

[henamedmeowl]

Thank you so much! Being gentle with myself is not something I'm very good at....I am my own worst enem...

Me too...I struggle with the writing part..but what I do...is take a moment to write for a while on just how i am feeling and then I move on to my paper. Journaling..helps me so much. I also schedule breaks...and periods where I do no work and I don't even think of it!