Ironlady
Platinum Member
Having a hard time... I grew up for the first 11 years of my life in a home where religion of any form was strictly prohibited to be observed or sought after. We did not celebrate holidays at all except Thanksgiving.
After I turned 11 my father who had been a zealous Christian before he met my mom started studying again and began developing his own theories in Judaism. He completely trashed any religion that basically contradicted the Torah. He was intolerant of any view point from anyone who did not believe in the law of Moses.
As a result because I was hungry for spiritual food I bought into everything he taught me. I was his go to.. He is a blind man so I did a lot of studying with him and in a sense an appointed scribe. I kept records of everything we studied. He began implementing numerology into the practice and tying events and scriptures together. So I had years of coding events and scriptures.. End time prophecies were then brought to life in real world tragedies. Personal trials were then looked under that same microscope and judgments and decisions were made by him based upon levitical law and events. Which led to a very bleak, oppressive existence where you lived in extreme fear everyday. And no matter what you did it always seemed to get found out, reported and if you didn't say? Or confess? you already knew god knew so you would willingly confess information in fear of avoiding stronger punishments. The times you didn't?.. when something bad happened you immediately blamed yourself. This was my life for almost my whole life.
When my brothers wife left the group I was ostracized for not befriending her more. My father blamed me for her leaving even though I had nothing to do with it. A week later after she left her 18 year old brother died. My father tied his death through numbers/scriptures and pointed out my own failings as the result of her leaving in which case causing his death. He was excellent at matching everything up.. basically the message was you leave, commit any of the major sins and you or someone you love will die.
I didn't build enough strength to leave until I was 33 years old.. even though I know the truth behind the madness now. my unconscious brain still responds to things like I'm still there in it.... as not everything he showed was a complete untruth it is embedded in my brain. It is a horrificly tangled web inside my head.
I still wake up in the middle of the night to make sure my children are breathing. I still go to bed pretty sure I'm next and I'm not going to wake up and see tomorrow. I have no desire at all to be a part of any religion whatsoever even though I do allow my children to have fun and celebrate holidays. I am spiritual but I am still stumbling trying to find a way.. my way. And often feel lost like an outcast... I feel different. I feel tarnished. I feel like parts of my spirit was raped, imprisoned and murdered. I feel like I'll never break free from the psychological chains that still bound me.
I shared part of my story because I am feeling quite lonely in my suffering. I know I'm not the only person who has ever gone through a cult but I'm curious to know if others have anything they could share to encourage me?.. I feel like I'm still in a mental war.. do you have any resources that would be helpful in my aiding my recovery from this?
Thank you all so much.
After I turned 11 my father who had been a zealous Christian before he met my mom started studying again and began developing his own theories in Judaism. He completely trashed any religion that basically contradicted the Torah. He was intolerant of any view point from anyone who did not believe in the law of Moses.
As a result because I was hungry for spiritual food I bought into everything he taught me. I was his go to.. He is a blind man so I did a lot of studying with him and in a sense an appointed scribe. I kept records of everything we studied. He began implementing numerology into the practice and tying events and scriptures together. So I had years of coding events and scriptures.. End time prophecies were then brought to life in real world tragedies. Personal trials were then looked under that same microscope and judgments and decisions were made by him based upon levitical law and events. Which led to a very bleak, oppressive existence where you lived in extreme fear everyday. And no matter what you did it always seemed to get found out, reported and if you didn't say? Or confess? you already knew god knew so you would willingly confess information in fear of avoiding stronger punishments. The times you didn't?.. when something bad happened you immediately blamed yourself. This was my life for almost my whole life.
When my brothers wife left the group I was ostracized for not befriending her more. My father blamed me for her leaving even though I had nothing to do with it. A week later after she left her 18 year old brother died. My father tied his death through numbers/scriptures and pointed out my own failings as the result of her leaving in which case causing his death. He was excellent at matching everything up.. basically the message was you leave, commit any of the major sins and you or someone you love will die.
I didn't build enough strength to leave until I was 33 years old.. even though I know the truth behind the madness now. my unconscious brain still responds to things like I'm still there in it.... as not everything he showed was a complete untruth it is embedded in my brain. It is a horrificly tangled web inside my head.
I still wake up in the middle of the night to make sure my children are breathing. I still go to bed pretty sure I'm next and I'm not going to wake up and see tomorrow. I have no desire at all to be a part of any religion whatsoever even though I do allow my children to have fun and celebrate holidays. I am spiritual but I am still stumbling trying to find a way.. my way. And often feel lost like an outcast... I feel different. I feel tarnished. I feel like parts of my spirit was raped, imprisoned and murdered. I feel like I'll never break free from the psychological chains that still bound me.
I shared part of my story because I am feeling quite lonely in my suffering. I know I'm not the only person who has ever gone through a cult but I'm curious to know if others have anything they could share to encourage me?.. I feel like I'm still in a mental war.. do you have any resources that would be helpful in my aiding my recovery from this?
Thank you all so much.
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