Other Spiritual Abuse From Familial Cult

[Ironlady]

I relate, quite a lot. Standing not-a-joke I'm terrified of joking & having fun, because of what it brings...

Same here: it can be quite scary in the vulnerability .. and yet I agree wholeheartedly. Bottled up sunshine is much needed on cloudy days.

 

[Ironlady]

Sooner, clearly, wasn't the time for it - you did it the soonest you really could have, and it's gotten yo...

My chin just dropped to the floor...
.................... *gently lifting it back up in place********

I am struggling to find words.. I never really considered that until you pointing it out to me now....... everyone just sat down full stop. Chin on hands.. contemplating.. good thoughts.. digesting.. filing, wallpapering the rooms with your words.... [strong emotional reaction currently] Allowing.. being ok... lump in throat. Seeing grace/Forgiveness unveiled behind the curtain. Huddling...heads together..group hug..tears. :,)

 

[Ironlady]

Yes, knowing isn't the same as believing/identification with stories, but I believe you may find a...

Thank you so much. I will definitely look her up. I truly appreciate your help!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As a result because I was hungry for spiritual food I bought into everything he taught me.

I was 9 when it was first advised to me and I was looking to my mom to see if it was true, as it was so different then what I was taught at younger ages. She was giving me the "go ahead" or "approval" or something. I always was so angry at myself for this. That I bought into it like a dumbass. This is very hard to release this anger at myself and then aim it at my mom & step dad, whom was the one that brought it to us and my mom became the cult leader with him.

It took A LOT for me to move blame off of me and onto them. 6 years of therapy and a lot of back and forth here and then some pushing myself. But it was doable.

** If you want, most of my story is the firat page of my diary in members diaries. Just be warned it's very graphic. **

I have no desire at all to be a part of any religion whatsoever

I don't either.

I feel like I'll never break free from the psychological chains that still bound me.

I know that feeling well! I fight the "cult beliefs me" and the "want to heal me". It is a battle in my brain. But keep up that battle as it can change.

My therapist told me a few years ago that I had Stolkholm Syndrome. Changing that. Seeing them as anything but good, perfect, special, and justified and me anything but bad, horrible, worthless, dirty, and a psychopath as I was forced to kill animals was VERY, VERY hard. It was years of hearing about my therapist's family, comparing it, challenging, fighting, pulling/pushing and literal flip what I believed from as long as I remember was flipped on end, upside down (thus my diary name). It's hard to explain but it was the hardest thing ive ever done but it is doable.

I also was doing all but one of the cult's rituals as an adult and the punishments. That I was able to stop by changing one and i was able to see that I actually didn't have to do them anymore. That I could choose not to. That I actually did have a choice. And wasn't in an impossible situation anymore. But changing up the one was horribly hard. But doable.

No real resources. I just combined a bunch of shit and fought my ass off and ended up moving myself foward. I can tell you a few things I did, but not all as I don't remember them all and they weren't all conventual therapies but what I needed as a cult survivor that still believed it to the core of my soul (or so it felt).

You can do this! :hug:

** Some have found it helpful to read some of my early threads. Not saying to do that and they are also graphic but just saying that it can help to read another's struggle that's simiular to yours to help yourself move foward. **

And know I am here if you need me. My private message box is always open. I am always here to talk to and I get it...fully! :hug:

 

[Ronin]

That I bought into it like a dumbass.

Lost, but all the other information was kept from you & what you had available if not outright false (their own Bible and stuff you mentioned, I believe) was misinterpreted through violent actions to suit their agenda - it's really not dumb ass to try analyze what you have available, and abide by it to save your life. It's their fault for creating a false reality, and false lens on reality, not yours that you saw through those goggles.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

their own Bible and stuff you mentioned, I believe

Yeah, my step dad had typed up a complete "bible" (that he got me to believe was old text found in some "holy land" dated older than the christian bible....meaning, that was truth & Christians had f*cked it all up).

I don't know. I guess I just feel that even at the age of 9, I should of know the Christian Bible of love trumped their bible of hate and sex and sacrifice and blood and stuff.

My therapist says its not fair to judge your child mind back then now as now I have maturity and live experience and rational thought. Back then all i knew was that my mom approved and said it was so...so it was so and accepted by me that what it was was the truth.

 

[Ironlady]

I was 9 when it was first advised to me and I was looking to my mom to see if it was true, as...

Thank you so much lost... I think the sad thing is when the abusers are your parents it makes the situation very dire.. trauma bonds are created certainly. as you need to feel acceptance and will do almost anything to make them proud of you and to feel loved. Children automatically blame themselves it seems-when the blame doesn't belong to them.

My Father is one of the most seemingly intelligent, charismatic, narcissistic people I know. The way he hooked me in as a child was through massive praise when I did what he wanted and complete obliteration when I did not. Keeping me confident just enough to serve his needs but creating a fear so great that I had to make myself very small or I would have been killed or killed myself.

One of the worst things he would do is tell me I could be anything I wanted. Then I would get all excited and pursue something reach a certain amount of success then when I sustained that for any period of time he would come back around with his twisted views and tell me to abandon them because they were sinful, he would find something in what I was doing and completely shame me to the point I just knew I was a very bad person.. he would accuse me that i was starting to enjoy life too much, that I was interacting with other people too much, I was committing spiritual adultery because I wasn't putting god first. And then follow that up with death threats if I didn't stop.

So I get very afraid of success just as much as I'm afraid of failure. The kids think I'm trying to get them killed.

We didn't do animal sacrifices but when I was 26 and 8 months pregnant he made me kill our family dog because she was old kept pooping on the floor. Cleanliness was a must and it's funny because when I was a kid I lived in so much refuse it would make anyone vomit straight away. I have absolutely horrendous flashbacks of that incident though and it hurts to know that I was so terrified of him that I was willing to kill one thing I loved to save my own skin. :(

There was a string of events that happened that started changing my way of thinking. In it I lost my child through a miscarriage...of course in losing my child I blamed myself for not being good enough, believing God hated me and he was catching up on all these punishments I believed I had coming.

That child saved my life in many ways. I started to question his authority and started to doubt. Eventually the blinders started coming off and I no longer fully believed all the rubbish I had been feeding on for years. It took another 3 years then I cut him out of my life. I remember asking him to leave me alone and not contact me for awhile. I hugged him as I left and he was so cold it sent a chill right through me. Cutting off my parents was like dying but still being able to breathe. I had always been deeply bonded to my father. I had created in my mind that he was a good person. I wanted to believe he was all these good things.... to learn and find out how limited he was in good things and that his love?.. was just a tool he used to get what he wanted was one of the most devastating blows to me.

Ronin brought up some very good points... that I hadn't considered. Reread his posts. I think they will be helpful to you too

Thank you so much. I know I kinda went down the rabbit hole a bit... I hate for what you went through. But I don't feel quite so alone it in anymore. I'm truly grateful for what you shared.

 

[Ronin]

I know I kinda went down the rabbit hole a bit...

What stabilizes you, Ironlady?

Not meaning to say you should stop processing / evaluating your past / reaching out, at all, but these things are profound and healing messages to these hurts are profound, too, it's good to be able to find some distance & soothing in the meantime, before going any deeper.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ronin brought up some very good points... that I hadn't considered. Reread his posts. I think they will be helpful to you too

I will! I am at work so trying to read and type fast. I'll go back and read all the replies. And probably reply again about them.

My step dad was everything to me. My father, my saviour, my lover (and first love), my judge and jury.

I cut contact at 19 but still carried all of the cult beliefs about me with me into adulthood.

I'm so sorry about the dog and I know how that haunts a person. I hear their screams every night and every morning I wake up. I'm so very glad you are out of there and healing now! :hug:

 

[Ironlady]

What stabilizes you, Ironlady?

Not meaning to say you should stop processing / evaluating your past / rea...

I'm sitting here.... trying not to overthink..... I haven't talked about any of that stuff in quite awhile. I don't know if they just needed heard or what... definitely feeling the emotions rage...

So I have put on soothing music... my cat is in my lap and I'm giving her a good scratch behind the ears... think I better leave this thread for the moment.. come back perhaps when emotions and pain are not so exposed and raw......
color... draw... play music do something gentle.

 

[Ironlady]

I will! I am at work so trying to read and type fast. I'll go back and read all the replies...

Thank you lovely.. forgive me if I don't respond straight away.. giving myself a time out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

forgive me if I don't respond straight away.. giving myself a time out.

It's ok! It's actually usually better to sit with it and mull it over. I do that with all replies to my threads. Lots of good stuff to process but it takes time to process it and sometimes to break it down to smaller pieces.

ETA: I haven't had a chance yet to read the replies yet but promise I will and will bug you again with another reply! ;)