Other Spiritual Abuse From Familial Cult

[Ironlady]

It's ok! It's actually usually better to sit with it and mull it over. I do that with all r...

Yes.... lol. Thank you @lostforgottensoul :)

 

[The Albatross]

I was raised by atheists/hedonists so have no base point of understanding except to say that they sent me to church/Sunday school etc. which sort of messed me up for a while. They clearly didn't believe what the people where they were sending me to did and I was often shunned/ashamed because there was no effort of any sort to help me learn the "lessons" - inevitably it had to do I decided, being raised by two narcissists and I was not a person, I was an object/accessory/or even detriment to their lifestyle.

But I get and understand what you're saying and there are some here who have had similar experiences.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That's because he knew he can't ever control your thoughts, though.

My therapist said that they couldn't take my soul. That piece of me that makes me me. That place where I knew sacraficing animals was wrong and tried to make one a pet as a demostration of that.

He says that is what seperates me from psychopaths that do it for fun.

I say they completely distroyed me and made me unfixable. He is showing me that that isn't the case, slowly.

'Sooner' could have landed you more injured or dead.

Something else my therapist agrees with. I ask, why didn't I tell? Yes, I was told and made to believe I'd go somewhere worse but there were people, many, many people I could have told. Why didn't I leave at 18? Why 19? Why did I fight the ine trying to get me to leave at 18?

My therapist reminds me of me seeing them murder. Them demostrating how much my life didn't matter and how many times I was near death. Sooner could have meant death.

There is so much that has to be worked out as a cult survivor. Not comparing but just simply the beliefs, even if you don't believe the cult general beliefs, the beliefs about you is hard coded into you. It defines you. And changing that, taking all hardcoded beliefs about yourself and making them flip inside out is very, VERY, hard. Certianly possible, but it takes a lot, A TON, of patience with yourself and continious working in many different ways.

I have an amazing therapist and I think that has been the most important part of my healing. Aside from my persistence and strong will.

 

[Ironlady]

My therapist said that they couldn't take my soul.

That is something my therapist is trying to get get me to understand too.. he will ask questions about how did that make you feel?.. and then points out that my feelings are my own and that even then when I worry that I was just like my father because I did like he did I only did it out of fear. Not because I wanted to. Therefore seperating the too. But enmeshment/trauma bonds is a tricky beast. Trying to figure out what's yours and what's theirs.

 

[Ironlady]

the beliefs about you is hard coded into you.

Yes...... and that is taking enormous amounts of work and energy to even get tiny minuscule parts to see different, believe differently..... i think that can be changed to an extent but another part of me is left feeling pretty convinced that I won't be able to. I try to fake it till I make it in some ways.. doing things that those injured parts would not even consider doing. It helps briefly but like a muscle I think it requires consistency in training and not getting complacent.

 

[Ironlady]

I was raised by atheists/hedonists so have no base point of understanding except to say that they...

Thank you @The Albatross that must have been so hard as a little. Bitter pills are hard to swallow when you find the narcissists out... it explains a lot but it is so very painful. Learning to try to tell those young parts it wasn't them and getting them to believe it is difficult to navigate but I have hope I can. There are moments now.. when there weren't any before.

I debated whether or not to start this thread. Glad I did. It has helped already. Lots of processing. But helpful.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But enmeshment/trauma bonds is a tricky beast. Trying to figure out what's yours and what's theirs.

Indeed it is!

 

[Ironlady]

Indeed it is!

<3

 

[Ronin]

I say they completely distroyed me and made me unfixable.

Or you could divide this statement into two, where 'not destroyed & fixable' isn't yet on the radar.
That they perhaps have destroyed you... but that's not unfixable.

Start with bits that make sense. I'm happy therapy's helping you get there.

 

[Sideways]

Keep scratching out what I type.

I've been there. The religion thing.

I'd like to offer something really profound. But all I can think is: we recover from this sh*t. We aren't alone, and we're going to recover.

 

[Ironlady]

Keep scratching out what I type.

I've been there. The religion thing.

I'd like to offer som...

I do that often @Ragdoll Circus what you said is perfect. You got straight to the point. I'm so very grateful for all of you and everyone who has helped me today. I was struggling a good bit and feel much more stable and a lot less feeling alone now. Much gratitude!

 

[Sideways]

Dipped toe into v confronting thread, & my head hasn't exploded, so I can actually offer a bit more, I hope!?

Chronic child abuse builds in these layers of bullshite beliefs, particularly ones that support the idea that "I'm the bad person". Add religion to the mix? Man, it's such an effective tool for really hardwiring those beliefs.

Recovery, for me, so much of it turns on me slowly unprogramming those layers and layers of beliefs. Tried a lot of methods, but it just seems to be one of those processes that takes a lot of time, patience with the whole 1 step forward, 2 steps back, thing. And a really trustworthy T!

We were born as innocent children, just like everyone else. Peeling back the layers of rubbish beliefs that have been programmed into us (frighteningly effectively thanks to the religion thing); there's an innocent, loveable, courageous person underneath all of that. She's still there. And as we slowly peel back those layers, and undo the damage, we start to see little bits of that remarkable, valuable, innocent woman come out.

She's in there, under the layers of abuse and programming. Don't give up on her.

That may not be helpful. It's 100% pure projection: this is what I need to keep telling myself! Maybe it resonates for you too. I hope so. If nothing else, we're not alone. And I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.