Other Spiritual Abuse From Familial Cult

[Ironlady]

Was the prophecy true?

So many of them could have been.. strange things happened and coincidences that were hard to refute. And when events would match when using I'll say the Bible code we used it could be seen and believed as very much true. And of course was believed to be.. so that's why it's so hard because I did truly believe it and even if there's truth in it I just can't deal with the possibility of it now. The internal war and ramifications for believing them would destroy me inside.. I had so many notebooks filled with code/events etc. it was madness.

I go in spurts where I'll get real far ahead (or think I do) but it's like running with a bungee chord around the waist. You get snapped backwards.. then have to start trekking again.

I'm learning that not everyone is out to get me. Growing up it was us verses them (anyone outside the group) I was taught that nobody could be trusted and that everyone who didn't believe were enemies and would be used to harm us.. after getting raped twice by men outside the group I bought into that too.. pretty easily after that bit. :( but getting better/stronger/ and realizing that not everyone is out to get me.. trying to be supple and learn to set boundaries and COMMUNICATE! That's the hardest right now.

That last bit is quite helpful. I use to shame myself a lot for regressing. Now I'm starting to understand it's part of the process. Can be very inconvenient though. Lol

You don't have to apologize. You are not rambling.. I'm truly interested in what you are saying.. my responses are bit shorter than I'd like to leave but I'm trying to process and chew what you are leaving. You have no idea how appreciative I am! Thank you!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

my responses are bit shorter than I'd like to leave but I'm trying to process and chew what you are leaving.

I understand that. Just as long as you take it in to mull over, that is whats important.

When I asked "was the prophecy true" it was a clarifying question to:

Was it true?

I wanted to know what "it" was. I didn't mean to ask if the prophecy that they told you was true as we all know now that the BS they feed you isn't true.

Though it being rooted in a bit of truth is what pulls people in and hook people.

But, I think that is why I am such a big researcher today, looking for the truth in the middle somewhere. Because of believing to my core their BS. I research everything today.

Growing up it was us verses them

Yes!! I was always defending myself to survive in the cult but the we vs them was a huge part of my childhood too and i did bring that into adulthood. So always feeling like you are being pitted against "them" and you now live in their world. Outside of the cult. So that made me always defend more I think.

 

[Ironlady]

Though it being rooted in a bit of truth is what pulls people in and hook people.

That's it... ugh.. I'm struggling with this bit.l have to come back to it later probably.

I do a lot of research too..but I have to be careful as I start to get lost and even more conflicted than I already do.

Yes, on the defense most of the time. Trying to be more supple though and getting better at seeing in the grey areas a bit more instead of the whole black and white thinking.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm struggling with this bit.l have to come back to it later probably.

What I did was to not look at the parts that was rooted in truth. I looked at the parts the were twisted and the parts that were complete BS. I eventually started to see that truth twisted with BS added made the entire thing untruth.

But, yes, that is what makes surviving a cult uniquely hard. Dealing with an entire belief system and changing that. It is like turning yourself inside out.

 

[Ironlady]

What I did was to not look at the parts that was rooted in truth. I looked at the parts the...

Ah ok..l now I'm getting ya.. yes I've been doing that too.l am finding the mind needs fact to let things go.. sorry I just was slipping a bit with the question then kinda had an ack! Moment.. lol

You are not kidding.... it's exactly like that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

sorry I just was slipping a bit with the question then kinda had an ack! Moment.. lol

No, its not you. My words have been failing me and I've not been wording things the way I mean them lately. Totally me, not you.

 

[Ironlady]

No, its not you. My words have been failing me and I've not been wording things the way I me...

Don't beat yourself up.. I do it too.. yay I'm not the only one! So totally made me feel better. Lol :hug:

 

[Ironlady]

Another thing I've noticed.. I can't always give myself the things I emotionally need.. and I end up looking to others for it. Reassurance, validation, love.. then spiraling if its not met.. and or feeling like I need to apologize for my existence. :(

Infancy development things I didn't get growing up I guess.

 

[Sideways]

Reassurance, validation, love.. then spiraling if its not met.. and or feeling like I need to apologize for my existence.

This kind of sounds like a Recognition/Approval Seeking schema: excessive emphasis on gaining approval/recognition from others, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's self-esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than one's own natural inclination.

Spiralling into lack of self-esteem, to the point where you feel the need to apologise for your existence would make sense if that approval/recognition isn't constantly met...

Just a thought. Been working on schemas a lot in therapy lately!

 

[Ironlady]

Recognition/Approval Seeking schema:

I think you're probably correct.. I feel like I should be able to do this for myself and try.. sometimes I can.. but I'm finding when I'm feeling insecure especially if I've made a small error.. I can't hold those parts. They feel volatile.. unstable. Then I go into a deep anxiety response (Feels like an emotional hijacking from past events) and feel rejected not just by others but it's a rejection of self because the self isn't really developed enough yet I think. Dread.. pure and utter fear and dread is what I'm feeling right now.

 

[Sideways]

Good old fear of abandonment usually presents itself fairly dramatically in folks with childhood trauma issues. But, so do schemas, the old "maladaptive core beliefs" thing. And oftentimes, where there's a history of chronic childhood abuse, there's multiple maladaptive schemas all playing at once, with certain situations piquing one particular schema or another and knocking us for 6.

Like, it's pretty unusual for a csa survivor to NOT have the Shame schema in there somewhere. And when we have more than one, they mix in together and make a real mess of our headspace.

But if you're combining Shame with Recognition/Approval Seeking? That sounds a whole lot like what you're describing.

Good news is that schema focused therapy is just an offshoot of CBT, and the basic principles are the same. Working towards healthy relationships, becoming aware when our warped beliefs are having a dysfunctional impact on our thoughts, emotions and behaviours, and challenging those beliefs with more realistic self-talk (eg "I'm as worthy as the next person, and I'm totally capable of looking after my emotional needs") and healthier behavioural responses to triggering situations:)

 

[Ironlady]

Good news is that schema focused therapy is

Thank you so much for this.. what you are explaining makes a lot of sense to me. Looks like I have some homework to do and researching to do/some things to bring up with T. I appreciate your response and help @Ragdoll Circus ((hugs))