Dae Want To Smear Bodily Fluids As An Adult?

[greycrayon]

I do. Its not poo for me, but blood. I'm so ashamed and angry that the main core of my life is this and that I don't remember experiencing life before this pre-verbal pain. There are no words or tears are enough. One thing that isn't enough for me is saying 'that's life' or 'stop saying its not fair,'

ITS NOT FAIR! WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND WHO DOESNT?! I don't deserve this. Why should this be my life? Id rather have been dead then live through this.

I'm not looking for answers, I know that there aren't any, I just want someone to listen when I don't know how to speak.

 

[void]

Were you exposed to a form of ritual abuse or raised within a cult?

There are others like you. The pain is beyond words.:( This is not your fault.

I don't judge you at all.:hug:

I'm glad you posted.:happy:

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Forgive me if I say the wrong thing.

Is there an element of relief from seeing the blood? Is it a way to "see" your pain? (Either yourself or others.)

 

[greycrayon]

Thanks for talking to me. Its nice to know that someone understands, because I dont!

I was raised in a "Christian" household, but it brought me no comfort, only confusion why if I wanted to follow God's will was I feeling so bad. (I have no memories of direct abuse). The only explanation that I had for feeling this bad was "sin" rather than "ptsd" or a mental illness. I don't believe it was a cult but I know that I definitely got sucked into one in my early twenties.

Yes there is definite relief in seeing pain, like I've acknowledged something. At the moment I restrict myself to red paint on canvas but I know my inner child wants to rebel, like, leave it over the furniture and walls. As a lodger in someone's household, this distresses me and I know it will distress others living with me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are there other ways you can give a "voice" to this pain?

Maybe there's another way to get your inner child's needs met.

Do you have other sources of external validation for your suffering?

I haven't experienced things exactly as you have, but I have had an inner child who will act out when she is not heard. A key to keeping her calm and safe is letting her know she is safe and making her feel like her pain is validated-----both by me and by other people. (Of course when dealing with others, I don't use inner child lingo. It's more about others validating that I have experienced very real trauma and receiving compassion from them.)

:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I smear blood all over when when i cut. It was something done in my trauma in a cult. Was part of all their rituals. I have no idea why it gives me relief today or why i do it. I think the cutting is what gives me relief. I think the smearing is a way for me to redo the trauma. Or part of it.

Anyway, you are not alone!

 

[greycrayon]

At the moment I don't really have an external validation, my therapist has retired a month ago and I'm looking for a new one. I know that I had birth trauma and almost died, so a big part of my trauma was before I had language. I don't have the words to describe what happened, it seems this is my only outlet that gets close to what really happened.

 

[lalazagna]

Understand the idea of external validation. Most of my trauma was psychological and emotional, so blood was a kind of relief and external validation, whenever I cut myself, accidental or not, would deliberately get as much all over me as possible, so I could "see" it.

It's hard to visualize the internal pain, so yes it made it visually real to me.
The effect was actually quite calming.

 

[EveHarrington]

Does your artwork provide a good outlet? Maybe this is an avenue to explore more deeply because you had pre-verbal trauma. It's amazing how therapeutic art can be. :hug:

 

[greycrayon]

Does your artwork provide a good outlet? Maybe this is an avenue to explore more deeply because y...

Yes it does..I'm still looking for an art therapist to work with me because by myself I get frightened by it and shut down.

 

[katz]

Yes it does..I'm still looking for an art therapist to work with me because by myself I get frighten...

When I read you last post, about the art idea. It made me want to ask you to try and draw a picture of "what you want to feel like". And try and stay away from the color red in general. If you must, then use a different shade of red. Not looking at all like blood. Pink, dark maroon.

Try and let yourself feel by expressing what you "want" instead of what you have or had before. Just a thought.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

draw a picture of "what you want to feel like".

Or maybe smearing paint? It's something my therapist asked me to do. Expressing feelings still.