General Is this PTSD? Sexual Infidelities, Raped and Sexually Molested

[iamrefreshed]

Hi all, this is my first post here. Here is my story and that of my wife.

We have been married 16 years. In 2001 I caught her talking to a friends husband on her cell phone waaay too often. She said she was helping him and would stop. In 2002 I caught her at it again. She gave me the same excuse and seemed to have stopped.

Now fast forward to 2006. In June I found a suspicious e-mail while repairing her computer. It was to someone who was apparently a romantic interest. In the next two months this is what I discovered bit by bit because she would always lie until I proved her lies. This all started with a trip back to her hometown in January 2006 for a friends birthday.

1- In April, during a girls weekend, she slept with someone she met online.
2- From Jan to June she was having phone sex with strangers she met online.
3- She planned to go to a hotelwith someone she met online who was going to fly in to be here. He apparently couldn't afford the ticket (I suspect it was a kid). She was engaging in phone sex with this person for 2 months.
4-She slept with another person she met online in mid-April.
5- She accepted a job from the same person she slept with in mid-April. She also slept with him after the interview.
6- In May she met a contractor at this new job and slept with him a week later.
7- She admitted to an affair back in 2001 that was on and off for 2 years. She said it was not with the man she spent all the phone time with.
8- She was also sending porn pictures of herself to about 6 online people from Feb-Apr. One of these was the person I think was a kid and she was going to meet.

I ound all this out over a 2 month period and not one thing did she tell me without me confronting her with evidence.

I have now found out she was sexually molested by her father at 15 and raped by a neighbor at 17.

She claimed the first infidelities during our marriage came after she remembered about the sexual assaults. They were repressed memories.

Can I believe all this? Is this normal? I love her and want to stay but it is so hard. I am still with her. We both see a therapist.

Has anyone heard of anything similar?

Help please!

 

[cookie]

i wouldn't know if it's ptsd or not, but if you'll look around the forum, find anthony's name and click on it. go to the profile, and near the top, you'll see a place to click on ptsd diagnosis, and another one. i am glad you see a therapist. what do they say about the diagnosis? has she been to a psychiatrist for diagnosis? it's important to find out what it is. bless you for sticking by her, whether it's ptsd or not, there is help. it would be helpful for you to read under the spouse section and see what some other spouses have to offer. if it makes you feel any better, i do know that promiscuity can be a result of sexual abuse. sorry i'm not more help.

 

[carpediem2006]

Hi

Regardless of whether this is PTSD as a label, it is likely that where sexual abuse has occurred the person will have difficulties sexually, either through acting out, or through not being able to be comfortable with their partner. Finding the cause is key, the label is not so important, and there are many of them. From there you can work on your relationship and what you want.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Hi iamrefreshed,

Welcome to the forum. Like the others I wouldn't be able to say whether your wife has PTSD, although sexual abuse and rape are certainly trauma's that could cause this illness. I too have heard of promiscuity being an outlet for those who have been abused.......a lot to do with lack of self worth I believe. What does her therapist say? Has she actually been diagnosed with PTSD. Have a browse around this forum, there's heaps of information on PTSD and you can chat with us anytime. Take care.

 

[anthony]

Hi Iam... welcome to the forum. At what you said above, I would say NO, however; you have only mentioned her sexual goings on, not her behaviour patterns in general, which is more associated to PTSD itself. Her trauma of sexual molestations and rape, certainly do fit the traumatic criteria for PTSD, and often develop into PTSD, though not always.

Sexual desire and sexual problems stem from sexual assaults, though these are another different aspect from PTSD. Your therapist should be able to look a bit deeper into the cause, because I will say, there is a mental concern somewhere, in that she is being mentally affected by her past abuse, which is coming through in now playing out sexual fantasies, cheating and so forth. An issue is there, more than just be a cheating partner. A good physician with sexaul assault should be consulted ASAP.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Thanks for the replies.

So far 3 therapists have diagnosed her with PTSD. She also compulsively lies, has major anger issues and says that she cannot explain how she felt or even why she had the sexual encounters. She has also found out that others in her support group have acted in a similar fashion.

So you are aware my wife, before the recollection of the molestation and rape, was very modest about her body and sex in general. She even took measures to hide her figure.

I guess I'm just having difficulty understanding all of this. As our therapist put it "I am trying to use rational thought to explain irrational behavior".

I'm not leaving her. When I said "I do" I meant it. It's just so painful when the things she did pop into my head.

 

[velveteen]

Hi Iam
I'm new here, but reading your first post made my heart beat faster.

I am SURE that my traumas are EXACTLY why I behaved the way I did until about 2 years ago. Infidelities, strangers, phone sex ... lieing, anger, etc., and my trauma (I think) started with molestation when I was 10.

I am waiting to be diagnosed.

I commend you for sticking by her. WE need extra-special partners who really mean it when they committed.

 

[anthony]

Well, if three therapists have all said PTSD, then I would definately run with that, because there is more too it than just what you have mentioned, ie. things you do not know possibly, which is pretty normal for any trauma within a person.

Because she has been diagnosed with PTSD, and it is uncontrolled, it is not abnormal for her to be cheating. Why? Because as was explained to you, trying to rationalise irrational thoughts is impossible. Our brains become fried, and some with PTSD do lots of different things, from cheating, drinking, drugs, gambling, etc etc etc... people find something to help them along their way.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Anthony,

Thanks for the encouraging words. As you might imagine it is not easy to accept the things my wife has done. It is even harder to understand how PTSD affects someone's actions. It always come back to the "using rational thought to explain irrational behavior". I just have to accept it as the reason.

When it gets difficult I try to remember what she went through. As tough as it is, I think how my daughter would feel if I entered her room and did the things my wife's father did to her. I can only imagine the terrible fear she must have felt. Then for her mother to call her a liar when she told must have crushed her. Add a rape to that 2 years later and you have the makings of a very frightened and confused woman.

However, she is the woman I love and married. What would it say about me and my vow of marriage if I just walked at the first sign of difficulty?

I can't abandon her like her mother and father did.

 

[Deleted member 3]

IM,

Your wife's trauma is not your responsibility. I agree with you that marriage is all about the ups and downs but at then end of the day you must have some boundaries. Each person is different, but one of my most important ones is infidelity. Anthony knows that if he ever broke this rule he would see two things, my back as I'm walking out the door and the door closing behind me. PTSD or not. Maybe you need to figure out what your boundaries are and then make them and the consequences clear to her. Its not about you taking a beating too!! Also she has to take some responsibility for her own well being and for her part in the marriage. PTSD is a valid reason for some things but it can also become a lovely and convenient excuse for others. If you decided to walk out I've no doubt you would feel guilty (I imagine that we all would) but where is the line between support/caring and losing yourself?

 

[Kells]

/agrees with Kerrie-Ann on this one.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I can appreciate you opinion Kerrie and Kells. I too thought infidelity would be an automatic "walk" in my marriage. Hopefully neither of you will be put to that test.

When I consider my wife's normal behavior and some of the things she has done recently, a serious mental issue is the most sensible answer. This is a woman who was shy about her well endowed chest and constantly wore sweaters to cover herself. Then bango!! She photographing herself nude and exchanging pics on the Internet! I'm pretty sure that something besides desire is at work here.