Therapist Terminated With Me

[Deleted member 33880]

I think there are several factors at work
1. the NHS doesn't have a termination policy that I know of - so it is just saying my abrupt ending is 'difficult' for me. Whereas it is actually unprofessional.
2. So the previous two were NHS therapists who choose to bail out when they coulnd't cope with the level of trauma they were encouraging me to disclose.
3. Also I think it is really misleading for people to go off on the 'client must be doing something wrong' tack. I have also had people tell me that I must be doing something wrong because I have been raped by three different people in my life. So I must look at what I am doing wrong.
What I am doing wrong is being a woman and not always walking in daylight. go figure. Personally I think we should be looking at why rapists want to rape women.
4.So here I would look at why do therapist want to earn their living working with people who have had trauma only to bail out or run if they find the information they have dragged out of the client to be too distressing?
5. Also I have a very different view to human relationships having come through various faith traditions. I think people with extreme ACE and trauma at a young age, require gentle attachment figures who often stay in that persons life. This is shock horror to most therapy modalities. but it is not unheard of. But oh my god, do people feel like they need to get on their soap box with their holier than thou opinion when I bring that up. Fortunately I am not only used to client blaming but also well used to people being horrified that a client could want to have a mentor or support person for decades in their life, like most people have had parents. But this is not a fruitful discussion because like holding in therapy, people have black and white views and so will not do anything other than wade in with their arguments for their side.
I am bringing a valid toxic trauma to this forum, a therapist who unprofessional terminated with no explanation and no closure sessions. I am experiencing that as damaging and difficult to navigate. that is my thread.
Rather than judging and taking a critical stance towards me, it would be more helpful to be compassionate in the true sense and not make comments that are about a personal axe to grind.

 

[Suzetig]

Fortunately I am not only used to client blaming but also well used to people being horrified that a client could want to have a mentor or support person for decades in their life,

I don't find that thought horrifying, but it's not therapy. The aim of therapy is that the client is able to heal and move on with their lives, see progress maybe over a long period of time but be able to better adjust to life without therapy. A therapist isn't a mentor or support worker or coach, they're there to support therapeutic change and when that change happens, or the process stops or that piece of work is over for whatever reason the therapy relationship ends.
I get that you need to tell yourself your therapy has been fine, apart from the ending, and I can understand what you feel the need to defend. I don't see anyone client blaming. Where the same dynamic plays out over again in any place, work, therapy, partner relationships - it's worth looking inwards to see what need you're trying to meet or what pattern you're repeating. It's not uncommon for victims of relational trauma to unconsciously recreate the same dynamic in therapy relationships which is why therapists need supervision, peer support and ongoing training to help them see the dynamic they might be unconsciously buying in to.
Your therapist was wrong to not access support and supervision appropriately to hold professional boundaries. He allowed you to become overly dependent and broke accepted treatment protocols - none of which is your fault. If you are able to recognise that the things that felt good to you about this therapy were the things that make it so hard for you to end the relationship now, you might be able to see it coming or to accept appropriate boundaries in future.
That's just a "for instance" to show why it's important to be able to reflect on what was happening for you in the relationships you've had - if this has happened in your last 6 therapies, it's fair to think there's something recreating itself in your therapy. It's not about victim blaming but understanding what's happening in the space between you and your therapist so you can help do it differently next time.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

unconventional therapy isn't necessarily bad nor unethical therapy.

 

[Suzetig]

No its not, but in the U.K. unsupervised therapy (e.g. monthly clinical supervision) is, your NHS therapist giving you personal contact details is, talking to a client about their organisational issues (e.g. that managers were forcing him to reduce sessions etc) is, saying you could have a relationship after the end of formal therapy is. Taking any issues around physical contact out of the equation, your T still breached his code of ethics and fostered inappropriate dependency.

If you can see that and spot the signs, you may protect yourself from it recurring as it has done so many times before.

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry I can't get through all posts in the five pages being ill right now, but I wanted to say that I feel sad for your loss, as well as the accumulated re-traumatization of this kind of thing happening to you several times.

I don't understand what NHS means or the comments about it. So I can't speak to that. But my question is, if NHS means that the T's you have seen are essentially gov't paid, then I think that is the source of the recurring problem could have an economic contributing factor.

You have options beyond 'do this or do nothing,' but that is not going to make sense until the horrible emotions of this are not viewed in front of you and are in the rear view mirror.

Please give yourself time to process this. You don't have to commit to an understanding of all the things that could have caused this today.

I have had clarity on things 30 years later. With time, things become clearer. The trick is to not ruminate and to say "This too will pass" and live one day at a time. When you are ready, you will have the closure you feel you need right now. Truth is that closure is not doled out by the analyst, nor the abuser, but is the luxury of living long enough to figure things out for yourself when you are no longer forcing the lid down on things.

 

[joeylittle]

@Kaluki - I'll say it again, I'm not client-blaming. Everything I offered was with the intent of support.

I hear you that it's not useful for you.

One thing you said struck me - that you are interested in having a therapist/mentor who is willing to work with you and be that surrogate attachment figure for decades if necessary.

I think that's a good way to weed out the therapists that you want to avoid, if you do ever decide to try again. It's a very specific criteria, and it's not out of the question that you could find someone who would offer that level of support over an extended time.

This is not client blaming. This is looking for how you might be able to support your search for the right person, should you decide to try again.

You are aware it's an unconventional approach - so why not be very clear about it upfront? That will be nothing but helpful.

I'm putting the rest under a spoiler because you might choose to not read it. It's my opinion only, not meant to attack. I'm concerned, that's all.

Spoiler: More unsolicited opinion

I strongly believe that you are describing an emotional affair, not therapy - and you are saying that you'd be fine if you never moved on to self-parenting. I wish you could see that you're only setting yourself up for deeper levels of emotional risk, should you ever try and find a 'therapist' who would agree to give this to you.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

things have moved on. The police heard about some inappropriate boundary issues with said ex therapist and I have been grilled by them four times now by phone and they want me to go in and make a police statement. They are worried that my ex psychologist is being inappropriate with other vulnerable patients.
I think they have stopped him working whilst they sort this out.
Joey: my fatherly mentor who has stepped in to sort this out, has agreed that I don't want or particularly need therapy anymore. I want a fatherly mentor. He has agreed to be that for me for life. It is good as I feel calmed down by that. So there are other ways to go than therapy you know. I feel it was a bit like asking an orphaned child if they wanted a therapist or a family. I would rather have the family. I don't want to do therapy anymore. I don't mind people supporting me through the police proceedings and the NHS complaint and them being therapists, where I can sound off about my anxiety and distress about all this, but I refuse to do therapy with a therapist. done, found it lacking, been abused too many times. Not going there again. Want to go out and get on with my life without someone making me so vulnerable all the time.

 

[qwyoey]

Did you call the police or did someone else?

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I think my doctor did

 

[Deleted member 33880]

She heard about some of the inappropriate boundary issues about ten days ago and she became worried about other vulnerable patients and it seemed to just escalate and I talked to the police myself after that a week ago. I am trying to protect him still, but he doesn't seem to care about protecting me so I don't know why I am still trying not to get him in trouble.

 

[Suzetig]

when you say she heard, was that because you told her or someone else had told her? And if you told her and she went to the police without your knowledge that's another breach of your confidentiality.

Part of me is hoping you told her and asked/gave her permission to report, because what you describe as happening in your therapy was abusive, not unconventional treatment but harmful. I'm surprised the police have questioned you by phone though, my experience is that they tend to respond to those kinds of allegations in person because they need to identify the person they're talking to, which they can't do over the phone.

When are you going in to give your statement?

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I am trying to drag my heels on the police thing as I want 'permission' (WTF!!) to reply to the letter the ex T sent me. I want him to hear how angry and upset I am about what he has done both with the ending and in the boundary violations of the therapy. And I want him to reply. so that is my next goal. If they won;'t allow that, then I will have to tell the police more. I heard today that he has been pulled out of 'frontline' work. I think that is because the police contacted his centre yesterday and said they do not wish him to be in contact with vulnerable patients.
I am so fragile and vulnerable and like a child in so many ways. The police and anyone can get anything they like out of me as I am not able to withstand being harassed or bullied or shouted at. I just cave in.