Relationship Taking The Blame

[Deleted member 33052]

Having just found myself on the other end of a creepily similar situation, I'm going to throw in my two cents. Just food for thought.

I don't know how long you've been married or how well you got along before the PTSD was triggered. I'm curious to know what sort of support you've been providing over the past year and how much research you've done on PTSD. It sounds to me like you're here only to validate your decision to leave her.

Have you asked her what you can do to help her feel safe and secure? Have you asked her what it feels like to be trapped in her trauma? Have you asked her if something you're doing - or saying - is triggering her? Do you approach her with love and encouragement, or like a martyr?

I'm only going to address the money issue to say that this is something that could have been worked out between the two of you after the first month.

There is your truth, there is her truth, and there's the truth. I suspect they're wildly different.

If you want to leave, just do it. You certainly don't need permission.

 

[StressedHusband]

Having just found myself on the other end of a creepily similar situation, I'm going to throw in my...

We have been together for 9 years. Before she triggered we got along amazingly. Like I said I love this woman more than life itself. I've read books...articles...talked to her therapist...talked to my pastor.

As far as the spending goes...tried every thing imaginable to try to get through to her what damages it would do if she kept it up. Her only response was was to just threaten to leave me and go off on a rampage about how my talking about it only made her feel like a worthless piece of . Trust me I tried everything...than when the month came that I couldn't make the mortgage payment for the first time ever I called the bank and cancelled her check card.

What's triggered her is the construction site near out home. The noise, the park they tore down to build over that was her place to go when she needed to be alone. We were told her only option was to get away from the trigger was to move. That meant she would have to leave the home we raised our kids in. So that triggered her even more. So it's a viscous cycle of triggers until we move. Light at the end of the tunnel is that I have a job offer that is going to allow us to move. So my hope is that once she is away from the trigger her mind will heal and my wife will return.

Not looking for validation to leave. I don't want to leave...I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. Sometimes you just need to vent and as I said I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this so all my frustration over the year just came pouring out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm only going to address the money issue to say that this is something that could have been worked out between the two of you after the first month.

That is not a fair statement, and it is impossible to determine if it "could have been worked out after the first month." Anybody who is in the supporter role with a highly symptomatic sufferer can attest that reasoning and compromise doesn't always work. Sometimes even a conversation about the topic is impossible.

Have you asked her if something you're doing - or saying - is triggering her? Do you approach her with love and encouragement, or like a martyr?

She has to own her own triggers and stressors. He can't be responsible for what is going on in her head.

It sounds to me like you're here only to validate your decision to leave her.

Or he's at the end of his rope, desperate, and looking for support.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Sweetpea76. Of course the money situation could have been dealt with long before all of it was spent. Six months is a long time to be sinking into the red. If, as he said, he ended up canceling her bank card, he could have done that at any time. She made choices, and so did he - again, only knowing one version of the story. This does surprise me, though. Here in Canada, you can't cancel someone else's card without power of attorney.

Regarding triggers, if I were a loving and compassionate supporter, I would very much like to know if I'm saying or doing something that will hurt/trigger my partner because I don't want to cause him more pain. Simple as that.

@StressedHusband asked for help, and in my opinion, understanding is the key to compassion. Maybe he learned something about the other side of the equation. Maybe not.

Isn't it great that we can disagree without fear of rejection or abandonment? :tup:

 

[Friday]

We were told her only option was to get away from the trigger was to move. That meant she would have to leave the home we raised our kids in. So that triggered her even more. So it's a viscous cycle of triggers until we move. Light at the end of the tunnel is that I have a job offer that is going to allow us to move. So my hope is that once she is away from the trigger her mind will heal and my wife will return.

In my experience there is

- Never just one way around a trigger or stressor or loss of a coping mechanism.
- Rarely a magic solution. All things have trade offs.

You've already run headfirst into one; this is the house you raised your kids in. Another (fair warning) is that moving = stress = increased symptoms. So once you do move? Expect things to get really bad for a little while. Even if it's the perfect move & it sets both of you up for a really fantastic life in a new place (and once everything settles, it was hands down the best decision, ever), if this is your first major stressor after PTSD has come back? Expect things to get gnarly.

The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained <<< This.

The good news about knowing about a major stressor coming is being able to plan for it, and -hopefully- moderate it out as much as possible. Which is huge.

In the meantime, though, is her therapist helping her with other ways to deal with the construction noise & helping her find coping mechanisms to use in place of the park? It might seem like a no brainer, but it's really common to just not be able to think when stressed out. Instead automatically thinking of finding a new park, or starting an exercise routine, or adding any other coping mechanism to replace the lost one it's just more like "The parks gone!" :arghh;:mad::arghh; Aaaaaaaand beware anyone who suggests finding a new park "There's no other park like that one!!! How dare you <insert totally overblown reaction / attack here>" :facepalm::banghead::speechless: or on the other side of the coin; instead of lashing out crumpling inward and sobbing for days like a broken thing, grieving the loss of the park like the loss of a child. Or spinning off in some totally different direction, still about a million miles away from finding a solution to the present problem. Because triggers & stressors just do that. When triggered? Sooooooo not responding to the actual situation now, but to the past. Can make for serious crazy making. Which is why it's awesome to be able to throw a therapist under that particular bus, rather getting run over it, one's self.

Don't mean to be a little bluebird of happiness, here. I just find forewarned is forearmed. Aaaaaand am a bit concerned that you both seem to have been lead to believe that there is only ONE solution (the most drastic one possible), and that the expectations surrounding it are setting you both up for -relatively- easy to avoid disappointment &/or earth shattering kaboom.

 

[Hojay]

Regarding triggers, if I were a loving and compassionate supporter, I would very much like to know if I'm saying or doing something that will hurt/trigger my partner because I don't want to cause him more pain. Simple as that.

Yes, agreed. But, and I don't mean this in any way as a generalization or as harsh as it may sound, I will forever be baffled by the fact that the survivors of abuse and trauma (i.e. PTSD sufferers) do not understand and/or minimize the effects abuse and trauma (as described above by the OP) have on a person (i.e. the supporter.) As an added layer of confusion, supporters are asked to conjure up understanding and explanations for the abuse we experience by hand of our sufferers due to their illness. As much as we do have to face them with patience and understanding, there is a line. Even MORE understanding and pussy footing around the abusive behavior is not always the solution. In fact, it undermines everything sufferers themselves learn about how to deal with the abuse and trauma they have suffered - THEY aren't told to have understanding for WHY they were abused (as supporters often are told,) they are told to see it as the horrible thing is was/is.

@StressedHusband, I agree with @Friday to a certain extent, that even moving may not be the magic solution. Here is a suggestion - and your spouse may need some time to get used to the idea - but a good step would be to ask her for her consent to get in touch with her therapist, arrange for a joint counseling session. It could help you get a better idea of where she is at, get a professional opinion on her prognosis, but ALSO give you an opportunity explain to the therapist and your spouse what your experience is of the situation. It could be helpful to the therapist to adjust her treatment, and helpful to you to be able to talk in a safe space. It's common practice to include spouses in therapy, and it could be a good start.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Hojay. I agree with you completely. I've often commented that I think PTSD might be harder - at times - on the supporter than the sufferer, and I don't condone abuse ever. But in the year that I was trapped in the bedroom, I was unable to comprehend anything outside of my pain. It was all about the battle within me. I couldn't bring myself to care about my children's ramblings, and if my husband was hurting, I couldn't see that. And believe me, I'm an empathetic and compassionate person.

I am trying to help @StressedHusband understand some of what his wife might be going through, only so that he can make an informed decision.

And as @Friday said, it's not about the park. And moving won't fix it.

 

[Hojay]

@Mal Content, I understand. I really hope I didn't offend you. Having suffered from depression all my life, I understand how even the most empathetic person on the planet could become numbed to other people's pain. I'm not implying that you did this in your response above, I'm just on a bit of a crusade lately to mitigate what I find to be a co-dependence enabling line of reasoning, e.g. just have more understanding for the abuse you're receiving, try to alter your own behavior so you won't get abused, etc. Again, I'm not saying that's what you said...I think I just wanted to communicate to @StressedHusband that what he's describing above might be crossing a line and shouldn't be downplayed. If that makes sense :)

 

[Sighs]

Regarding triggers, if I were a loving and compassionate supporter, I would very much like to know if I'm saying or doing something that will hurt/trigger my partner because I don't want to cause him more pain. Simple as that.

FFS. You cannot - actually cannot - walk lightly enough on all the eggshells. No matter how loving and compassionate you are.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Hojay @Sighs, this is about understanding, not condoning. I'm simply trying to help him understand how his wife might be feeling as a sufferer. As I said, I believe that she probably has a very different perception of the situation. In my situation, my husband and I realized after about a year of counseling that I am entirely reactive. Now he understands what triggers me, and how - and more importantly, why - I react. What he does with that information is his choice.

And regarding the *walking on eggshells* comment, I, and I believe many other sufferers, simply need to feel safe. I'm triggered when my subconscious believes that I'm in danger. It's not a codependent act to respect someone's need for safety.

And, Hojay, thanks. I'm not offended. I've spent a lifetime defending unpopular opinions. I'm just grateful for the opportunity to express mine.

 

[Sighs]

And if my sufferer had 2 or 3 triggers - hell even 7 or 8 triggers that would be fine. If I could simply avoid doing 7 or 8 things and live happily ever after with the man I love dearly, don't you think I would do that?

My mum has been with my dad for 51 years. He's had combat PTSD for 43 of them. She still triggers him accidentally almost daily.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@EveHarrington. As I mentioned, I am just offering another perspective.

My husband and I have spent the last six months trying to repair the damage caused by an uninformed decision on his part. If my miserable experience can help @StressedHusband gain ANY insight, then it was worth the keystrokes.

Personally, I don't care if you disagree with my comments. I don't care if you think my PTSD is the *lite* version. Your trauma may, in fact, be bigger than mine, but I'm not interested in whipping them out to compare.

Stressedhusband, I'm sorry that my comments derailed your thread. That wasn't my intention at all.