Shame and guilt

[aut555]

Okay, it seems you purposely push everyone away from you, you clearly do sabotage yourself. Anyone that tries to help you, you will eventually push away, including God. Why, because of your insecurities about yourself. You have replaced that message that you are truly not worthy,it's like you spend all of your time convincing yourself you are not worthy, this is the message that you play over and over in your head. Because you can't be perfect (none of us can); you feel you must be a failure and you set out to prove this daily.

 

[aut555]

Think you need to change that message, it's not working for you. Also, nobody is perfect, that is unrealistic, it's all our nuances that make us unique. Why do you hold yourself up to such high standards? So many things are out of our control, we just have to make the best of it.

 

[saraemerald]

Okay, it seems you purposely push everyone away from you, you clearly do sabotage yourself. Anyone that...

During these past five years since I had that weird thought, yes I have. Because I felt the need to try and figure out why I did that in the first place.
Prior to that, I had lots of nice people in my life and had done lots of things to meet new people, try new things and make new friends while maintaining prior friendships. And then I got disfellowshipped crombthis religion and lost all my friends because after that thought I had, I got depressed and stopped attending that religion's meetings, so they disfellowshipped me

 

[saraemerald]

That religion holds us up to high standards and I was trying to meet them all, so I had no life. It's a cult

 

[saraemerald]

That religion holds us up to high standards and I was trying to meet them all, so I had no life. It...

And because of that religion, my life wasn't getting anywhere so I was trying to focus on their hope for a future paradise to keep myself going in that religion because I genuinely believed it was "the truth" and "God's only true organization".

 

[aut555]

Ok, so where do you want to go from here? Can you change the message you play over and over. How about a message of love and acceptance and l may not be perfect but l do love myself.

 

[saraemerald]

And because of that religion, my life wasn't getting anywhere so I was trying to focus on their hop...

And I was getting tired of all the positive thinking I was doing and mental gymnastics to keep myself faithful.

 

[aut555]

And how about relying on yourself for the truth? I try to live a good life but l don't need religion to convince me of that.

 

[aut555]

If you look at religion, it doesn't seem to help you anymore. Maybe you need to rely on your own internal message in life.

 

[saraemerald]

Ok, so where do you want to go from here? Can you change the message you play over and over. How about a...

I need to forgive myself for acting so weird since I had that thought. And somehow have self compassion for myself, which is hard for me. I feel I wouldn't have acted the way I did if I had grown up somewhat normal and didn't have so much crap happen in my life. I think it is so unfair that we act so stupid just because someone or something hurts us, because no matter what, in the end, we are all responsible for our own actions.

 

[saraemerald]

How do I forgive myself for thinking a really nasty thought on purpose and then getting to the point where I hurt myself and my life so bad for thinking it on purpose that I ruined my self esteem? It makes me cry, because all I was doing before was working so hard to overcome abuse from my past and to be a good person with a joyous life and to share that with my friends and people around me

 

[saraemerald]

When I try to forgive myself for acting the way I did these last couple years after that thought, I just get knots in my stomach. I have tried so hard to eat healthy again, see a therapist and do EMDR and have a good routine in my life and continue to fullfill my responsibilities with work and such, but I still can't forgive myself and move on but I want to so badly. I have even tried journaling