Sexual Assault This Makes Me Feel So Disgusting

[-lemurlibs91-]

Very well said @stp2012.
Especially:

It does leave you feeling disgusting and filthy. Worthy of no one. But to act on that doesn't help anyone but rather allows the perpetrators more control...even if they don't know or care.

I'm hoping for me that the really tough time I'm having at the moment signifies that I'm getting closer to being able to start properly processing and addressing the trauma, even if I may not want to do it.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Very well said @stp2012.
Especially:


I'm hoping for me that the really tough...

Well, I don't know your story or where you're at in therapy, but I was warned ahead of time, that the closer I got to the deepest issues, the harder and more painful it was going to be. I don't know if that's supposed to encourage me or make me want to run the other way - some of both I suppose, but life has a way of getting in the way and throwing curve balls that we aren't expecting or are prepared for. That's an unfortunate reality.

Still, running doesn't accomplish much except bringing the baggage with you. It will pop up again some day and who knows how badly it will effect us. I chose to run the course, stick with it and do the hard work. I've discovered that "doing the hard work" has been a huge understatement.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Yeah my T has said that to me. It puts me off going deeper into things because it's so painful but I know that running from it hasn't been working for the last 5 years so I've got to change it somehow. I'm now trying to get more in touch with feelings, rather than thinking about the details of what happened as that's too much right now. But feeling something about it is healthier than feeling nothing - as uncomfortable as it is.

I chose to run the course, stick with it and do the hard work.

That's really brave - keep going.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

But feeling something about it is healthier than feeling nothing - as uncomfortable as it is.

A very real truth. I've done the dissociation thing both intentionally and not. When my mind shuts down, the relief is huge. Being unaware of time going by is great. For some it lasts for a long time and comes on very suddenly and regularly. I can relate to some of it, but at times I'm jealous too. Pain is real and humiliation follows us around. Self blame and all the rest.

Yes, choosing to run the course is the right thing to do, however painful it might be. Just really sucks when you're in the middle of it. You'll come to a place where you'll be able to say the same thing. - I mean it's the right choice. Not the sucking part. I think you already get that.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Oh yes, definitely getting the fact it sucks!!! Royally!

Pain is real and humiliation follows us around. Self blame and all the rest.

Not a truer word said!

I also do the dissociation thing both intentionally and not. When it's intentional, I feel like I'm opting out of life for a bit and there's a sense of relief and calm. I also feel like I'm control of something. When it happens unintentionally, I'm not such a fan as I don't know how I'm coming across, I often end up having flashbacks in those times and I hate those.