sky dancer
Platinum Member
I went to a seminar at a hot springs resort this past week. I brought the cloud of my PTSD with me. I had made a suicidal gesture the previous week--(I downed two xanax and drank an entire bottle of wine in 30 minutes) after a particularly grueling therapy session.
The seminar incorporated sitting meditation, (body sensations and the breath as objects), a type of inner work calling 'focusing' which was created by Eugene Gendlin, and a type of body work called 'awareness through movement' from the work of Moshe Feldenkrais.
I started the weekend challenging the seminar leader, and communicating my discomfort about identifying as a person recovering from trauma.
To my great delight over the course of a week, my resistance relaxed. I was able to meditate, and to use the guided focusing process to actually recall times in my life when I felt loved, and really listened to.
I've been so focused on what's wrong for 15 months in the therapy process that I'd completely forgotten that I have anything within myself worthy of loving and offering to others.
Imagine being able to really be present for the roaring river, the hot springs in the open air, the remote forest in the rain, and to the silence in the mornings and the taste of delicious vegetarian food prepared with great care and attention.
Now, I have some tools to work with my anxiety.
I was actually able to work with the focusing techniques when I recieved a massage at the seminar.
The practitioner was young, and not terribly experienced or grounded, and I have had alot of body work and was at one time a licensed massage therapist. I could not connect to the bodyworker in the beginning, and I found myself doing what I do when I'm anxious--moving into judgment and alienation and agitation.
Using the focusing technique I'd been learning this past week, I was able to remember to bring in the image and sensations of being really attended to with love. As I brought that feeling in--all judgments and fear released, and I no longer had any resistance to the experience which was a very different kind of massage for me.
I'm just offering this small success, but it's made me feel as though, I need to stop processing trauma for awhile and start recalling moments throughout my day that I feel grateful for--such as any time I am actually present in the moment.
The seminar incorporated sitting meditation, (body sensations and the breath as objects), a type of inner work calling 'focusing' which was created by Eugene Gendlin, and a type of body work called 'awareness through movement' from the work of Moshe Feldenkrais.
I started the weekend challenging the seminar leader, and communicating my discomfort about identifying as a person recovering from trauma.
To my great delight over the course of a week, my resistance relaxed. I was able to meditate, and to use the guided focusing process to actually recall times in my life when I felt loved, and really listened to.
I've been so focused on what's wrong for 15 months in the therapy process that I'd completely forgotten that I have anything within myself worthy of loving and offering to others.
Imagine being able to really be present for the roaring river, the hot springs in the open air, the remote forest in the rain, and to the silence in the mornings and the taste of delicious vegetarian food prepared with great care and attention.
Now, I have some tools to work with my anxiety.
I was actually able to work with the focusing techniques when I recieved a massage at the seminar.
The practitioner was young, and not terribly experienced or grounded, and I have had alot of body work and was at one time a licensed massage therapist. I could not connect to the bodyworker in the beginning, and I found myself doing what I do when I'm anxious--moving into judgment and alienation and agitation.
Using the focusing technique I'd been learning this past week, I was able to remember to bring in the image and sensations of being really attended to with love. As I brought that feeling in--all judgments and fear released, and I no longer had any resistance to the experience which was a very different kind of massage for me.
I'm just offering this small success, but it's made me feel as though, I need to stop processing trauma for awhile and start recalling moments throughout my day that I feel grateful for--such as any time I am actually present in the moment.
