My husband died today

[NarcSis]

@recoveringfromptsd, it would be nice to be able to turn to friends and family, unfortunately, other than my sister, I am essentially estranged from the rest of my family (my sister was on a midnight shift last night) and the "friends" I have I can count on one hand, but they're not close enough to me for me to reach out to in that state. I tried reaching out to a friend once when my hubby was at work and I was struggling with suicidal thoughts - I sent him a text and asked him if he could just check up on me every few hours because hubby couldn't always do it if he was busy at work. I got a reply that was not very helpful, he called and essentially sighed on the phone and asked me what was going on, then acted like I was being a ridiculous attention seeker - the one and only time I ever tried to reach out to a "friend".

I ended up getting caught in one of those unending and sickeningly repetitive cycles of crying and sobbing near hysterically last night. I went up to bed early and just stayed there. I kept reminding myself, it all passes, it's just a phase, it will end, I will get through this, I've gotten through so much already in my life, I can just hang on through this. And I did.

I'd love to say the feeling has completely gone but it hasn't. When you're trapped inside the house all day, there is nothing left to do but think. There is no way to just let it out a bit at a time. I wish there was a grief dose control button built into me somewhere so I could just feel it a little bit at a time until it's done. The dog hurt his paw and has been limping around the house, so that negated any chance of walks today - his paw pad on one paw is swollen and I don't know how he managed to do it. I'm hoping it's not frost bite from our walk last evening. Anyway, we were essentially trapped inside today and I tried to keep busy by watching movies and keeping the dog company on the floor. My thoughts kept circling back to my husband.

Was he cold? Was he scared? Did he die sitting up or did he slump over - I couldn't see him in the seat when I was there, they wouldn't let me get close enough to see him. Why didn't I get his baseball cap back or his coat? What happened to the clothes he was wearing? That was his favorite ball cap, I can't find it anywhere here in the house, he had to have had it with him.

I watched a movie today called The Sea of Trees with Matthew McConaughey. It was about a man who goes into the suicide forest intent on dying after losing his wife. Can you guess why I was drawn to this one? I was told today that this bad phase will pass once the holiday season is over but I'm not so sure, because after Christmas is New Years - the start of the countdown to the one year anniversary of his suicide.

His suicide. He killed himself. He chose to die.

I keep getting angry when I talk to him about it. I tried so hard to hold on all these years. I fought tooth and nail and hung on sometimes by the skin of my teeth. I held on because I knew I didn't WANT to die, I just wanted to rest, I needed a break from life. I just needed a break. I just needed help to see things differently. He was always there telling me things would work out, they always work out in the end. HE said that! HE told me that! He kept me hanging on to this life because HE needed me. Well, I needed him too. I need him here.

And it's so not about the things he did around here because I did almost everything so that his days off could be a time for him to relax and enjoy leisure time. It's not that kind of need, it's about just having him here and knowing I'm loved and cared for enough that someone would want to be here with me. He came home to me every day for 20 years and then one day he just walked away and he never came back.

I "heard" him in the basement this morning. Not really, but when I was getting the dog his breakfast this morning we both startled at a noise that seemed to come from the basement. I came into the livingroom and listened and listened but didn't hear anything else. I did the horror movie stupid search where the person doesn't turn on any freakin' lights! I did have a large kitchen knife with me, however but if you can't see, accidents can happen. I checked every door and listened but didn't hear the noise again so I just ignored the basement search - I have to admit, I was a little afraid actually. I did go down there later in the day, all the windows are intact and there didn't appear to be anything that had fallen over.

I'm still looking for signs of him. I think of him every time the dog snores. Every time I catch the dog lying there staring at me like I'm made of cheese. When I go to wash the dogs eyes, i think, "You have leaky eyes just like he did. He had to use the special soap to help clean the crusts that formed around his eyes." When I see the dog lying there dreaming, it reminds me of how hubby used to twitch when he was dreaming. Sometimes I look at the dog and think, "Is that you? Can you do that? Can you just be whatever you want now?"

God, i just miss him so much. I wrapped a gift for him and put it under the tree. I re-wrapped the last gift he gave me and placed it under the tree from him; it's wrapped in black tissue paper. I didn't want the only gifts under the tree to be for my sister. How does my brother do it when there is no Christmas gift for him at all?

I just realized that I received no Christmas cards this year, not even anything to say anyone was thinking of me. My one aunt has sent me a card religiously for years, except this year. That is probably the end of the cards in my life from now on. I wonder if I was somehow special because I was with him.

I got an invite to a friends house for dinner on Christmas day or boxing day or any time during this season if I need to be with people - they're having family over - I politely said yes, but I know I won't take them up on it. I can't be sure if those are even real invitations or just out of pity and politeness. Honestly, the last thing I'd want to do when I'm feeling destroyed by grief is to be around strangers trying to play happy for them. My sister will be here Friday. I won't be alone. I just hope she understands if I'm destroyed on Christmas day or Christmas eve and not so full of joy.

Uggh. It's hard to breathe. I feel like there is a huge knot in my stomach and another in my throat. I may consider an ativan for bedtime tonight. I noticed today I was tapping my foot unconsciously for most of the day. My stress levels are up. I need to try to do some active relaxation and deep breathing again.

I just want Christmas and this horrible "first" over with. I want to know that I survived it. There was a 75% chance that I would not make it through the first year. I'm almost there. I'm almost in the clear. What a ridiculous statistic...this pain is not going to be any easier after some calendar date.

I just wish he could come home to me.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Medic72 It's very clear from what you describe is that your grieving, and that's normal, what is concerning is your own safety, and what I got from your post is your overwhelmed. And this is probably not something you cannot sort out or come to terms with on your own. You may want to ask yourself if you are at the point where you should seek professional help. What state are you in?, in Maryland they have mobile crisis units, which help in situations like yours, when I was in crisis they both did physical and telephone checks on me with the later being daily until I got admitted to Sheppard Pratt Trauma Disorders Unit. They may have a similar setup in your state. You should check what resources for crisis is available in your area, if that proves difficult call the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255 which automatically routes your call to the crisis hotlines in your area. These hotlines will be able to tell you what help is available and how to get that help.

There is one point you may want to think about, almost all suicide attempts are a cry for help, and in most cases the ones that are successful are not intended (the attempt got out of control), or impulses took over. If you check around you will find that almost always when someone impulsively commits to an act of suicide and survives they had regrets the second after the did it. On some of this I can speak from experience as I have over 25 attempts in my lifetime, and in every case, I regretted the ones I followed thru on. In every case there was a cry for help, from my pain.

You also mentioned he had moods, from that it seems he might of had a mood disorder. In which case sometimes the mood to swing to severely depressed and suicidal. That's a biological cause that he would have no control over. Again I can speak from experience as I am bipolar, and have experienced the depression and suicidal ideation (and sometimes plans which I began to execute). Even if he did not appear depressed he could have been.

Also from what you described he was there supporting you when you were having bad times, often people who are caretakers are in a lot of pain themselves and they cope with it by taking care of others.

You come across like you're stuck in this feeling and pain, and finding it hard to move beyond it. It might help to make a plan to follow to help get out of this and move forward even if it's slow, anything is better than now. A plan will certainly help you organize your thoughts.

 

[NarcSis]

My dog is still limping around slightly. I don't see any injury but his paw pad is still pink. I did notice today that his paws STINK! So it might be a yeast thing,again from snow-wet paws, uggh, I may have to find him boots to wear. Anyway, we were stuck in the house, not to mention it was -16C out there with the windchill. I was on the verge of tears most of the morning, so I packed myself up and went out to tackle the mall for some last minute shopping. Ridiculous thing for me to do. Pushing, shoving, crowds, ignorant people. Maybe I was punishing myself. Maybe I needed a reason to survive something. At least when I'm triggered I'm focused on surviving rather than sinking into sorrow.

Of course, I'm very agitated now. And the sorrow kept coming out anyway. I'd see something and think about how we used to laugh at things like that or how he hated the woman at a particular jewelry counter. How I'll never get a piece of jewelry again in my life. How he won't ever offer to buy me something I wanted or was admiring ever again. How I have no one to talk too anymore when I'm driving. How we used to admire the horses in the field when we'd drive by. How we used to sing carols as we were driving. How he would hold my hand if I was driving and I would hold his hand if he was driving.

It also didn't help that I was looking for something specific for the two nieces who helped me most when he died. We kept saying, "they were just there, one step ahead of the game, like angels, just taking care of things that needed to get done." So I was looking for jewelry shaped like angel wings for them for Christmas. They were just amazing. I didn't have to think. Programs for the service were made up. Memory boards with his photos were created. Food was taken care of. Gifts and cards just appeared out of nowhere. The little details were all covered because these two were working hard in the background organizing things for me. They came to my house and completely de-cluttered his computer room and I mean, this room was one-step away from being featured on the tv show "Hoarders". I didn't have to think, they just got everything together, all of his important papers -everything was labelled, filed and organized. They even went to order and retrieve the urn for me. Angels. They were just Angels. There aren't words enough to thank them for what they did for me in those early days.

It's been 324 days since he died. It doesn't feel like it. It feels like a week or two. At most it feels like just last month. His memory is still so strong here. His things still smell like him. His stuff is just where he left it, other than that one room. I haven't gotten rid of one thing of his yet. I haven't moved his towel from the bathroom, I haven't removed his shaver and toothbrush from the shower. I still have the last load of laundry he did, folded neatly in his laundry basket. I wear his jacket, his favorite sweater, his long underwear. I sleep with his shirt and his blanket. The teddy bears no longer comfort me at night, they "guard" daddy on his side of the bed. I won't move them. He trimmed his hair the day before he died. I gathered up all of the trimmings in a bag and I keep them in my drawer. I won't touch his bar of soap - his "bits" are still on the surface of it.

His life wasn't finished. Our life wasn't done. I don't know how long it's going to be before I relinquish the idea that he will come back for his things. I still cannot feel him dead. I can't sense that. I can't sense him "gone" from my life. I fear that is because of the odd numbness and detachment that comes with PTSD. He used to frown when i'd tell him that sometimes I couldn't feel love or attachment to him or anything or anyone. I was void of that sense of attachment and I didn't understand it. It was confusing and puzzling to me. I did always make sure to reassure him that I loved him. I loved him just like the day I met him. I just couldn't feel it at that moment.

I used to feel like we were connected on some kind of psychic level. I could sense him so strongly. I could see the love he had for me but after PTSD that connection was sort of severed. I couldn't sense anything anymore. I had no connection to my own gut instincts. I had no sense about what he was feeling or thinking. I didn't know how to get that back. I was hoping he could help me. I was hoping he could help me to feel connected to him again. Instead we drifted apart on an emotional level. He was getting worn down. Work stress. Home stress. There was no end for him. I tried to keep things okay for him but it didn't help.

I read the other day that every marriage goes stale and every couple at some point looks at each other with loathing. It's a phase. It's a phase you work through together. It's harder to work through that when your husband turns toward work and is only met with more stress. People break. He broke. He had no outlet. He didn't trust anyone but me. I couldn't be there for him anymore.

I couldn't be who he needed me to be anymore. I'm not that person anymore. :(

I'd give anything for it to be 325 days ago right now. I'd give anything to be there again that night knowing what was going to happen and calling for help. Begging him to get help. Taking him to a hospital to get checked. I'd give anything to have him back. I'm never going to get him back.

I miss him so much. Life is never going to be okay again. I just want to live the rest of my days in peace. I just want to bide my time until i get to be with him again. My mom lasted 8 years after my dad died. Maybe this is the best I can hope for.

 

[scout86]

Maybe this is the best I can hope for.

It's not. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow this past year went by so fast. I hope you have some sort of plan to get you through tomorrow:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, task by task. This is how I get through my days now and that's fine by me. I make a list every evening so I know what to do each day. I have even taken to writing things like what I plan to eat for my meals because sometimes I just can't think properly and I end up just eating cereal. If it weren't for my list, I wouldn't have been able to have cranberry glazed ham today. i'm kind of proud that I made a "real meal" for myself.

The dog is better today so this is the first day we were able to get out of the house - both he and I were chomping at the bit to get out there, so much so we almost didn't want to come home. I took him to the park so he could tire himself out bounding through the deep snow. He's getting very attached to me, he whines how after dinner until I lay down with him so that he can nap. Frankly, I'm very attached to him too. Last night I woke up from some nasty nightmares about my husband, I can't precisely remember them, just that I was crying and screaming for him because he was hurt and I couldn't help. I think it reflects a lot about what's been going through my mind the past few days. After I woke up, I moved to the floor beside the dog, I just felt safer being near him.

When we were in the park today, I saw tracks from snowshoes and I thought about the time hubby and I went out snowshoeing through one of the parks we liked going too. It was a good attempt but that particular year the snow was even too deep for the snowshoes to be of any use - we were sinking in to our knees with the snowshoes on but we were determined so we went as far as we could. We were insane when we were younger because I remember feeling my legs like lead weights and my heart felt like it would explode. We made it 4.5 miles into the backcountry, then we stopped right there on the trail to share a sandwich and some hot cocoa from a thermos before we decided to turn back; coming back was easy after we blazed the trail and we made it back just before we lost the light. I'd never been so exhausted in my life.

Hubby wasn't always injured. He didn't always suffer. We used to be active people. The injuries really took their toll on both of us. His neck injury was the worst, that's the one that really stopped us from doing the things we were doing. He put on weight after that one. I tried to keep us out, hiking was less demanding but I know what that's like when you've got back problems, let alone neck pain. I tried not to push him anymore. All of the things he used to love doing he couldn't really do anymore, working out, running, walking, lifting weights, He injured his neck the same year I developed PTSD, 6 months after. Our long drives stopped. We couldn't travel like we used too. His sleep suffered. He couldn't sit in one position for long - of course, unless he was completely lost in some video game, then he'd sit for hours staring down and wonder why he was in so much pain when he'd finally move.

My hubby had special pillows to support his neck. He had U-shaped supports for watching tv. He had U shaped warming bags to use on his neck. He had a traction device to help support his neck. He took natural supplements designed to take care of soft tissue injuries, reduce inflammation etc. He ate OTC pain meds and anti-inflammatories like they were going out of style. The one thing he didn't do was get professional massage done - he hated people "messing" with his neck, he didn't want to risk a stroke. He always seemed to fight me when I'd give him a massage, he'd tense up and not relax, especially when i'd get near his neck.

He lived in pain a lot of the time. He rarely complained of it but when he did, he was like a 2 year old that keeps showing you his bandaid. He just would not allow himself to forget about it. He never seemed to try to get his mind around it and push through. He had two things that were his worst nightmares, his neck pain and his heart arrhythmia.

It took a stupid physiotherapist to remind him of his worst nightmare. What kind of physiotherapist interprets an x-ray?? Not in this country! I know the guy couldn't know that my husband had an arrhythmia and I know that there is no way he could have predicted how my husband would have reacted to news that he possibly had an enlarged heart, but why in hell was he interpreting an x-ray when it is WAY out of his scope of practice? My hubby wanted to know if his rib was broken - just answer the question and show him the x-ray. He didn't need to know that the x-ray read out indicated heart enlargement - it's automated and inaccurate!! I mean, even our heart monitors were subject to misdiagnosing myocardial infarctions. The machine doesn't know anything. My husband KNEW this but for some reason, he believed the readout, he believed this physiotherapist and he feared for his life because his heart was enlarged. We didn't know anything for sure. We needed just one day to collect ourselves and work out a plan to get this puzzle solved. Instead he killed himself.

I woke up that morning positive and armed with ideas for us to address both his pain and his possible heart issue. I bounded down the stairs excited to share my ideas with him. He was already dead. He was already sitting on that street, in that cold car, alone and dead. He had already left me.

It makes me so angry that he didn't wait until his head cleared. It makes me angry that he didn't talk to me. He didn't reach out for help. He just up and left without a single word. No goodbyes. No I love you's. Silence.

I live every day with silence now. :(

 

[NarcSis]

I'm watching my husband's favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Carol, with Alistair Sim. We had a ritual where we'd cuddle up together and watch it every single year, whether it was on the big screen in our living room or under the covers in our bedroom, we always watched this movie at Christmas time. Last year was the first year we didn't get around to watching it. I regretted that I didn't make time for us to watch it, the time we were together I was just walking on eggshells around him, trying not to upset him in any way, keeping quiet and giving him his "me time" in his video games. I felt so disconnected from him. He wasn't speaking a lot, he was just lost in his computer most of the time. I knew in the past that he preferred not to talk if something was bothering him, instead he said his "therapy" was playing his games. "This is how I shut my mind down." So when he was on that computer, I knew enough not to bug him.

He was on that computer a lot last year. I loved the times when he turned away from it or turned it off because I would get to interact with him and he would be himself again. We went to dinner a lot, we did this because I couldn't think of anything we could do that wasn't too stressful for me or too stressful for him (his neck). Going to the mall wasn't as great as it used to be, he really hated the crowds and so did I; we used to spend a lot of time mall walking before.

I remember pulling away from him and getting upset because I was triggered one day and sobbed out, "I need hugs." He never took his eyes from his computer screen, he merely lifted his arm and expected me to go to him. I don't know, it's really petty now but I felt that he should come to comfort me and I shouldn't have to go to him - it was hard enough for me to ask for the hug. He didn't make any further effort than that, so I just stayed on the other side of the couch and rocked myself until I felt better.

We pulled apart from one another emotionally at some point. I didn't want to be a burden to him because he was stressed. He didn't want to stress me with his "stuff" so we just ended up being silent a lot. I'd read or watch tv, he'd be on his computer or his ipod. Sigh, he even started bringing it to dinners out and playing solitaire instead of speaking to me - I used to love our conversations over meals. If he did converse over dinner, it was a complaint about something that happened at work, his partner, a supervisor, a student, a coworker. I tired to do damage control but he never seemed to hear it, he just preferred to be upset.

I got a fb message from my husband's old partner after midnight last night asking if it was okay if he dropped in for a visit today or tomorrow. He said he wished there was something he could do or say to make this better for me. I sadly told him no one can make this better, it's not up to anyone else to make this better, its just something I have to get through and get used too. No one can bring him back. No one can heal this heart. I think people also forget that I still have PTSD - last minute drop ins!? Agghh!!! Panic city. I have to prepare myself for things like this, I have to plan, I kind of need more notice than 12 hours! Not to mention it is mere days before Christmas and I'm working up to preparing a dinner for my sister on Sunday. It's a lot to have hanging over your head with just that alone. I'm trying to plan a meal while grieving. I'm trying to get through this day without him - it wouldn't matter if I had a house full of people here wanting to "make me feel better", he still wouldn't be here, I still wouldn't feel better.

We have personalized ornaments that hang beside one another on our tree. We got that tree together 19 years ago, our second Christmas together. At what point do I stop hanging up the ornament with his name on it? What do i do with the personalized stocking that his gramma knitted for him on his 2nd Christmas?

I sent his mom a Christmas card. Not sure if I got her address right, knowing her, she likely has a PO Box instead of mail delivery to her house/street. I Hubby once told me he was going to get a PO Box here because "then people don't know precisely where you live." He even considered getting one in a neighboring town! I'm not sure if we've ever mailed anything to her or if she's ever mailed anything to us. I'm not sure if she'll call on Christmas day. What do you say to your In-Laws on the first Christmas without their son/brother? "Merry Christmas"? It's not so Merry here. Is it "merry" there? Is it any different from any other Christmas over the years? I remember that I used to have to remind him to call his mom or I'd ask him, "Have you called your Mom yet?" I don't know if that was just a guy thing or if that was a reflection of their relationship. I'll never actually know now.

I think the hardest thing on Sunday will be opening the gift I got for him. I may just keep it there until after my sister leaves and do it privately. We were private people. This should be something that's just between us. If I spend the rest of that night in tears, then so be it.

Missing him a lot and feeling a lot of anxiety. If I'm not sad, I'm anxious.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am guessing that it is so close to the holidays that you might be more fragile temporarily. I am missing my husband as well, and I will be alone perhaps on Christmas. But I do notice that I am definately feeling sad about losing him.:hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic72))):hug:
I know the year of "firsts" is the hardest. I do think you are exactly where it's natural to be. Still in a state of disbelief. How could you NOT be?

When someone is in your life for 20 years, it is impossible to "get over" losing them in one year. In some countries/ethnic groups, a loss is expected to be mourned for a year. People don't expect the one who has experienced the loss to go to any kinds of functions, because mourning is so very difficult.

When my daughter died, I saved her backpack, unopened from the time she died, so that on the first anniversary of her death, I could open it and smell her essence. People, being well-meaning, told me I should put her things away, and begin to "get over it". That is NOT going to happen, nor should it be expected. People were/are trying to make us feel better. I have learned that it's best to not try to make someone feel better, but to offer to be available to listen, and offer a shoulder to cry on. Period.

You are honoring your husband, even though it doesn't feel that way. It's ok to have feelings...ANY feelings because they just ARE. It's hard for us not to judge our feelings for being "wrong", but truly, LOVE does not die when a person dies. You wouldn't be normal if that happened. Maybe at some point, you can buy a piece of jewelry that signifies the love, and years that you had your husband in the way he was before his decline of being able to express his love, and the other emotions that fell away.

I know I have said this before, but his neck pain could have been the one thing that pushed him to the edge. My two surgeries came after YEARS of pain, where even turning the paper thin pages of a Bible was painful and difficult. Sleep deprivation is a mental health "hazard", as well as constant pain. The physiologist didn't help things AT ALL, because he had NO business even talking to your husband about ANY diagnosis! Fear of a heart attack made sense, because neck pain does radiate into the shoulders, chest muscles, nerves and muscles.

He may even have developed fibromyalgia. Many doctors don't believe that it is a "real" diagnosis, but most people who have it, have had longstanding chronic pain. Because it doesn't show radiologically, they are hesitant to use the word. As one who has had it since before they named it...it is depressing and frustrating.

I do really feel that he was not himself that day...because the man you married had changed so much over the previous year. I know that it doesn't help the way that you feel, but again, you had him "normal" and himself for 20 years. THAT'S HUGE! It speaks to the love, and his commitment to you and your marriage.

I apologize if I interrupt your thoughts by responding to almost EVERY post you have here, but my thoughts and care spring up when I read about your pain, and the fear that is looming as the first year comes to an end.

You are SO not alone, even though it feels that way so much of the time. I do believe that his spirit and his essence is still there, and that everything you do...like having the teddy bear in his place on the bed...and leaving his towel up, and the parts of him that you still have, honors him and the love you have. Just like the soap, and every other thing that he touched...there is meaning and comfort.:hug:

Please try to give yourself grace to feel whatever comes up, knowing that it's origin is your DEEP LOVE, and the feeling of loss that won't go away. I won't lie and say you will get over it, because you LOVED him, and ALWAYS will. Looking for signs of him, is normal as well. I still do that with my daughter, and my dad.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and WILL be with you, as Christmas comes, and as the first year of his absence comes around.

Blessings of peace sent your way.:hug:
AKJ :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am going to a friends house for the next two days to get out of here and laugh with friends. Watch movies and eat. I hope you have your holiday all planned out so that you will not be alone.

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, I'm glad you will be with friends, enjoy your holiday.

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ, thank you for your kind words. I swing from knowing those things to not knowing them or believing them so quickly when the emotion takes over. Cognitively, I know what he was going through and how quickly it can take someone but my heart still refuses to accept he's gone so I'm in this endless tug of war between being okay and accepting to angry / grieving his loss.

My sister is here for two nights; she has to leave Christmas Day so we're having a turkey lunch. I'm glad that she's here I was getting bogged down in the emotion.

A woman in an online group set a place for her husband at their Christmas table; a lot of the "suicide widows" are going to do the same. I'm wanting to "include" him somehow but the thought of an empty plate at the dinner table makes me cringe. Will it serve to honor him or will it only serve to make my dinner sad? I don't want it to be sad. I don't want to cry.

I need to talk about him but I find when I do, I still talk about him as though he's still alive. "Ha, Tin does that!" Or "Tin and I do that once in a while." I only catch myself after Ive said it and it makes me feel sad.

It can't already be almost a year. It can't. How much of it was actually a blur?

My sister made some comment about one of my neighbors dogs dying and I looked at her puzzled. She said, "Yeah, remember we talked to him after Tin died and he was saying his dog had cancer?" Ummm, nope. I remember him standing there. I remember the hug. The actual conversation? Not a clue and sadly, I carried on a whole conversation with him. Numb. Gone. No memory.

Looking back, I wonder how much of the time I really was numb because my brain seems to have not consolidated all that much into memory storage before the dog came along. After the dog? Well, I can share many of our adventures together and strangely the past 5 months feels more like years with this dog - in a good way. I feel like the dog was here when my husband was alive. I feel like he has always belonged here. I feel like we've both shared love for this dog. It's strange how the mind does these kinds of things.

I miss my hubby so badly tonight. I want to wrap my arms around his neck and hug him and just feel his warmth and presence next to me.

I want to be with him in my dreams tonight. I pray he's there.

 

[NarcSis]

I slept for 4 hours and 45 minutes. I woke up, went to the bathroom and thought, "Is this what time it was when he got up that morning?" The same thought that runs through my mind each and every f'ing day that I wake up now whether I want it to or not. It was very bright outside. Our windows in our bathroom and that crackle glass so you can't actually see what it's like outside, you just get a sense of the light level. That morning when I went to the bathroom it was dark out but more toward the point of just becoming light out, you know? I mean, I can't even explain that really because I'd seen it so many times when I was working and holding down a street corner - that point at night where day starts to make it's way in and the light levels are no longer at their darkest but are starting to be invaded by a lighter shade of dark, if that makes any sense. It wasn't a sunrise point, it was pre-dawn or pre-pre-dawn. That is why I always said that it was around 430 or 5 or 6. It would have been 430 at the very earliest.

This morning I got up and I went to the bathroom and it was very bright outside. The first thought in my mind was, "nope, this is too bright, this wasn't what time it was when he got up that morning." but then I thought, "But it's still really early isn't it? This light level makes no sense...unless it's snowing out there or there's a lot of moisture in the air...." I then went back to bed and was stuck puzzling over the light level, so I checked the time, 4:44am. I thought, "Yep, it has to be snowing, it's way too early for it to be this light out. It should be just pre-pre-dawn right now." Was it cloudy that morning? I remember when I left the house the sun was just coming up as I passed by that police car and that car sitting on the side of that street...but was there a cloud bank to the south of me that the sun was just rising over? I remember orange reflections. I remember clear dawn skies over me. I remember it had to be at least 9 or 10 when I left the house that morning.

It was 810 when I discovered his car missing and I only know this because I sent him a text to ask where he went. The text actually read, "Where you go'd?" in that cutesy baby-talk we used to do. I wasn't angry. I came down those stairs filled with hope and expecting to find him in his usual spot on the couch with his laptop on his lap and I was going to run my ideas by him as to how we could try to address his pain issue with sleeping and secondly, but most importantly, how to address his possible heart issue. I was excited to tell him that I'd figured out how we could get around waiting another full day just to make a doctor's appointment. I was going to share with him my idea of him faking chest pain and going into the emergency department where they would have to draw his bloodwork and put him on a heart monitor and we would then find out FOR SURE that his heart was okay. THAT is why I was excited to speak to him, I wanted to pitch my idea to him. As for his ongoing pain, I knew he didn't like our new mattress, so I was going to suggest a stop gap measure where we would go out and look for/price a thicker mattress topper to try to make the bed more cushioned to give him more support.

I came down the stairs, came around the corner to the livingroom and saw the contents of his wallet on the couch. Inside I panicked a bit and a whisper in my mind said, "People who commit suicide strip down naked." I shook that off real quick. I figured he was just in the basement on the treadmill or playing a video game. I went to the washroom. I didn't hear the treadmill through the vents in the floor. I finished up and went to the top of the stairs. The lights weren't on. I called to him. No answer. I then thought maybe he was out at his car getting something in his trunk or fixing something maybe - I thought I'd remembered him say something about not finding something in his trunk or cleaning his car. I just innocently assumed that is where he'd be, so I went to the front of the house and looked out the window. His car wasn't in the driveway. You know the first thought in my mind after "Where could he possibly be gone at 8 am on a Sunday morning?" was a stupid childish hope, "Ahhhh, maybe he's gone to McDonald's to get us breakfast!!!" I was so naive. I was being so stupid. I was assuming everything was fine because nothing seemed amiss when he got up that morning other than he was still in pain - like he was every day since his assault at work. I then sent the text to him. 810 am. "Where you go'd?"

No answer. There was no answer then, there is no answer today, there will never be any answer. He was already dead according to the initial information that the investigator had. I had no chance. He was already dead when i got up that morning. I wandered around this stupid house worried about him, then angry with him for not answering me. I imagine him now saying, "Well, gee, sorry, I was dead, I couldn't answer you if I wanted too."

I sat down on the couch beside the contents of his wallet and I wrote a post in my private PTSD journal...in here, in the forum. I went to the only place where I thought I could express my anger and frustration and be understood. Where I would be validated and reassured that this was just panic and I was over-reacting because of the PTSD. Hours later, I'm not sure what time or when, I would be lying numb and deathly cold in a bed in my sister's house, quiet and still and I would pull my ipod to me and start this thread...."My Husband Died Today"

I would not make any further effort to function for two more days. I remember I stared a lot. I remember my mind was tumbling again not focusing on anything but him and the disbelief and trying to come to terms with what dead even meant. I remember not tasting the food in my mouth, just that it was there and I was swallowing. I know I had spoken to my mother-in-law that same evening, I don't remember what I said. I don't remember much at all.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I have to get through this day. I've got a lot to do. I need to redirect my thoughts right now or I'll be lost in this sadness.

I'm hoping everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow.