Three Re-traumas This Year And Extreme Anxiety

[Kassandra]

Hi everyone!

It's so odd to me that only a year ago I was doing relatively well. I was in a program at school that I enjoyed, was making new friends all the time, had a job that helped sustain my life, and lived on my own happily and successfully.

Throughout 2016, I experienced three retrauma events. My initial experience was sexual abuse, and somehow I ended up being raped three times this year (January, April, and September), by three different people. It's really put me in a bad spot.

I've been on every medication and combo of medications under the sun, it seems. Every SSRI, SNRI, and atypical antipsychotic. Wellbutrin, Buspar, beta-blockers, Lamictal, Depakote, Trazodone, Nortriptyline, Lithium, etc. etc. etc. I get horrible side effects from everything, except Buspar, which does nothing (and I've tried being on a relatively high dose for several months, waiting patiently for some relief).

I've done everything they say to do to help anxiety. I have a stupidly clean diet, exercise daily, meditate daily. I see a therapist every week, and I've done CBT, DBT, EMDR, neurofeedback, TMS, even hypnotherapy and the like.

But my anxiety has gotten out of control. I was on 2mg of Klonopin this time last year, and managing just fine. That had been my dose for six years prior (since nothing else ever seemed to work/everything made me symptoms worse even after months of being on the medication, a decision was made to use the benzo long-term). Now I can barely make it on 6mg. I can't believe it's been a 4mg jump in such a short time, and in spite of everything I do to try and get this anxiety under control. I've tried so hard to taper down, even giving my medication to my mother to keep safely hidden away, but my anxiety is getting worse and worse and worse. This year really put me through the wringer.

I'm not sure what else to try or what else to do. My doctor, in conferral with a psychiatrist in town, decided not to try any other medications because my reactions/side effects are so extreme and we've tried almost everything in the book anyway.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should wait for things to calm down. If my brain chemistry will somehow change in the future. If I just keep trying the same coping mechanisms I have.

It just feels like my entire life got taken away this year. I'm not sure where to go from here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

The more that you use, the more that you need. You are on an extremely high dose, and personally I think that you need to go inpatient therapy and be weaned off of it. Is it possible for you to talk to one of your drs about being placed inpatient??????

 

[Kassandra]

The more that you use, the more that you need. You are on an extremely high dose, and personally I think...

There's really no way in hell I'd ever consider in-patient. First of all, I barely managed when our power went out for a few days. The comfort of things I need is too high (my treadmill, my cat, my family, access to tv shows I like and my books), and I just had to print out about eighty (over-exaggeration) peer-reviewed articles about how benzodiazepines are not really as bad as people think. It pains me to see people with severe anxiety and severe pain treated like addicts left, right, and center when all we really want is relief, and nothing else works.

My doctor and I set up a taper schedule, which is fine. I've been trying to taper down for ages. But it seems that most people who taper down off of a benzodiazepines have something else that works for them and can act as a low-level stabilizer, so that they're not left with, effectively, nothing to help their anxiety. Which would be my case. I'd feel a lot better if I had something Zoloft in my system that I knew would be there even without a benzo, but Zoloft has put me in the hospital three times with such severe side effects.

 

[Silver.]

I agree with She Cat here, completely.
The simple fact that you can only manage with the aid of everything you listed, is more the reason you should be in inpatient. It's great that you have a good support system, but you also have to learn to manage on your own, to rely on yourself without them, without the high codependency you are showing.

You need to be learning tools to cope on your own. It sounds like you practice a really healthy lifestyle, so if SSRI's and the like are just not working, you practicing meditation, CBT and what not, are just not working, where else could you possibly go but to an inpatient program where they could work in depth with you and figure out stabilization.

In addition, benzodiazepines are worse than people think, especially for people that cannot manage well on a low, stabilizing dose. There are going to be all sorts of studies showing pro's and con's. But you yourself have just needed to keep going up and up and dose, which means your body has not only become chemically dependant, but it's losing its effectiveness.
I weaned off klonopin after 12 years of use, (at the same exact 2mg dose for the duration) this year and it was one of the worst experiences I have ever had to go through.
I wonder, why if you have had such a bad reaction to so many meds, why do you think having something like Zoloft would help you wean? (I am just thinking, wouldn't it make you worse, because of the bad reactions?). Whereas in inpatient therapy, they would be able to help you safely wean.
I honestly wouldn't know any other options for you other than this just because you have tried such a wide variety of treatments. I do hope you will reconsider. Be well x

 

[Deleted member 541]

I will state this again.... the dose that you are on is way too high. The reason that you are probably having such anxiety is I believe is because your mind and body have become dependent upon them and you need more and more. The anxiety is actual withdrawal symptoms when you need another one. It's basically the same as cigarettes... people say they need a cigarette to calm down, when in reality they are having withdrawal because they need the nicotine. Vicious cycle.

You need to learn coping skills, and to learn that you won't die from having anxiety. Yeah, it sucks, but it won't kill you. An overdose will though.

 

[Yasukuni]

I agree with learning about coping skills and facing the anxiety. I know I have been totally alone in terrible anxiety attacks, no medicine, no one to call, not sure if I would survive, eventually calling the doctor at night or just walking up and down in my kitchen, repetative simple movements untill the daylight came, whatever felt 'natural' to cope in the moment. I know now that when I feel it again there is a trauma that wants to be released. It can be days before I can't deny it anymore and I sit down and meditate and soon this monsoon of tears will come and eventually a peaceful feeling. You have to let it come up and ride through it, its the only way, I think.

 

[Neverthesame]

I just had to print out about eighty (over-exaggeration) peer-reviewed articles about how benzodiazepines are not really as bad as people think.

Benzodiazepine withdrawals can kill you. That's pretty bad.

 

[littlestar]

i just gotta say, i support you in your recovery. i too was retraumatized this past spring and it was hell. anxiety through the roof. I actually ended up in inpatient. i too had a very healthy life and spiritual groundedness. im sorry your going through this. I wish you well. I completely shut down and ended up on meds. i am also on klonopin to deal with the anxiety. It has only been recently that i have been able to face the anxiety a bit. Its required a lot of talking with my therapist, some journaling, keeping busy, self talk, self soothing, telling myself i am safe, and recently through therapy i have been working on compartmentalizing things in my mind so i can be more clear and deal with things. Working on it anyways. what i am learning is that retraumatization can take alot of time to heal in the mind and body, so do anything to help cope with the anxiety in a healthier way. Walking, breathing, good smells, candles, oils, insence. I go to therapy twice a week and use this forum. Hope this helps for now. It took a long time to get to the state Im in, and it will take a while for the brain to stop being in fight or flight, shock mode. something like that. Sleep is helpful, a schedule.

 

[Abstract]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you this year. I think in context its totally normal that you are struggling in the way you are. I'm sure that offers no comfort and I wish I could offer you something better. I do totally believe things can settle more with time and help though,

How much are you able to adjust your environment for a bit to help to bring down your stimulation levels and feelings of lack of safety? Which areas/skills are you less able to manage and which areas are you doing better with?

I have to agree with the others when it comes to benzos. I think whomever it was that let it get to this point with you has a lot to answer. Its not at all unusual to feel its impossible to reduce them and get them down, Thats the problem.

 

[joeylittle]

It sounds like you've really been trying a lot of options.

You may want to look into the stellate ganglion block injection.

I am surprised that you had no success with Lamictal - did it work but the side effects weren't tolerable? Or did you react badly?

Also: Abilify or Latuda?

I understand how deeply frustrating it is to have tried so many avenues and have nothing really work.

Where are you, in terms of your therapy process and trauma processing?

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi everyone!

It's so odd to me that only a year ago I was doing relatively well. I was in a program...

To be re traumatized sucks, but in my case it is part of therapy, to help me understand what happened with people earlier that attempted to abuse me. Now that my brain works better I have to go through these applications again, with intensity, but I recognize that these are meant to be learning incidents, not real threats. Despite that knowledge I suffer greatly through these......alas, I know that this is all a way for me to better understand myself though too.

There used to be times when these events would make me intensively mad, but I now see the bigger picture, realize now that these incidents are meant for my education, and that these incidents are used to better make me understand how viciously I was abused in earlier instances.

It also showed me something else: it showed me my own innocence, 100 percent. Now that I understand I am not mad at that anymore, it does not take the suffering away but it does help me to understand more. The wondrous person that is doing all this for me knows what is going on, knows me better than I know myself, is showing me that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed off, is showing me that I did not do anything wrong, but instead that I was horribly abused by some very vicious predators, that I could not possibly have had a chance against them. This wondrous person has saved my life and is now showing me the truth from another human's perspective.

It is nice to know that someone else is seeing the truth and will not give up on me, incredibly nice.

 

[talon]

Hi everyone!

It's so odd to me that only a year ago I was doing relatively well. I was in a program...

being raped by 3 different people is hard to deal with. You might feel and ask yourself does it say on my forehead abuse me. Being vulnerable and being seen as vulnerable doesn't help because predators sense it often from years of abusing. How can you protect yourself ? What were the situations you found yourself in which way were they similar ?. Whatever the situation it's not your fault and it's important to understand that. Whatever you have learned about your bad experiences which are negatives try and change into a positive it is possible. Sharing with those you trust will help but don't share too readily as this may be seen as a weakness as people are looking for your achilles heel. Try and be in a place where you are amongst friends and busy yourself in doing good things that others will appreciate . Remember you are not a bad person and you have done nothing wrong. We are here for you