I Need Some Advice

[trying to heal]

I need to apologise upfront about how often ive been posting lately. This site has become a bit of a life line for me as i dont feel safe getting advice or help from people who don't really understand PTSD and cPTSD.

I have posted in the past about how how strong my SI is lately and my anxiety re how my T would react.

I got a phone call early this morning from her to say she could fit me in for an emergency appointment. I presumed that she had read my letter and was concerned and wanted to determine my risk level.

We discussed my plans and did some work on challenging some of my thoughts but my anxiety levels were so high it was not a very productive session. She suggested very strongly that she thinks it may be time for me to go in to hospital for awhile as she feels i am at risk of suicide. Although i knew that being truthful about my plans would more than likely result in this it still threw me into total panic.

I have never been hospitalised (mental health wise) before and I have no idea what it is like. Im terrified. I think in some ways im more scared of hospital than i am of just ending it all.


My T also discussed the fact that while im in hospital she wants to try and arrange for me to move out of home as that is mostly the reason why everything has become so intolerable. I just feel like my whole world is about to be turned upside down and i don't know if i have the ability to cope with that. Also im terrified of people knowing about me being in hospital. I have no idea how to even broach the concept with my parents. I really just want to run away.

My T wanted me to be admitted today but i was able to convince her to let me have 1 more week so that i can have some time with my nephews as they are down visiting and i think me being put in hospital would upset them. She agreed to this but only after signing a contract and saying i had to agree to go in voluntarily next week after our next session or else if I can't agree to that she will ring and have me taken to the acute lock up unit.

A few hours after id gotten home my T called to check up on me and then said she had only just read my letter that afternoon so she had not realised just how desperate i was. I got the feeling she was somewhat nervous about my risk level and was re considering her decision to let me have this week.

For those who have been hospitalised what is it like? What should I expect?? Who do i need to tell?

 

[pixel]

Ive only been in adolescent psych wards.
:devilish:
Maybe they treat you better if you're an adult, i dunno. *shrugs*
i tried to run away and that made it worse. Got 3 days in solitary in a tiny concrete cell no furniture no windows, withheld food for 24 hours.

In Australia, a supposed first world country.

 

[Intrepid]

I was in a military hospital for about 60 days when I was 26 years old. There was more to deal with than what those 60 days could hold, but it gave me a starting place. The staff was caring, attentive and dedicated to the mental health of their patients.

I know that this hospital had great leadership and all the resources it needed. Other hospitals may not. The leadership and the resources is what makes the difference.

 

[Intrepid]

Got 3 days in solitary in a tiny concrete cell no furniture no windows, withheld food for 24 hours.

I'm so sorry to hear that. The hospital you went to must have been a nightmare.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

First post a lot is a good thing, this forum is a lifeline for many of us, and many of us turn to the forum to stay safe or get another view.

I agree with your therapist, but it looks like she has put it in your hands to make the decision, so there is no reason to end it all because your scared of the hospital.

As someone who has been in the hospital over 50 times so for S/I the hospital can be an experience your glad is have put behind you, but it is also a place where your issues can be addressed constructively. And given what you have said in your post you really should consider it.

The question is what hospital. A general psych ward often is triggering and not PTSD informed. There are places in the USA that are PTSD specific, on is Sheppard Pratt Trauma Disorders Unit (SP), you might find something similar in AUS or if you can afford it go to SP, as the have people from all over going there. When I was there they had someone coming in from paris. Of course insurance may be an issue. But it is an option thinking out of the box as one would say it.

I would suggest having your therapist find a place that is PTSD informed in AUS, if she finds one go there and get yourself feeling better.
If there are none, go to a regular hospital unit, and make sure your therapist works with them closely as to your PTSD needs.

There is one thing for sure, if you do nothing, you're going to end up being forced eventually as you get closer to hurting yourself. And you don't want that.

Part of you wants to live, otherwise you would not have posted. So use that part of you to get some help.

As to what a psych ward is like, if it comes to a PTSD specific unit, its very different than a general psych ward. Actually you can't compare the two. A PTSD specific ward is focused around ptsd and safety, isolation from triggers and learning to cope with PTSD. A general ward is about safety in your case, some patients can be noisy, but overall most general psych wards are not that bad, in fact often they can be relieving. as most wards there is always staff who are very caring, and will help you work thru your issues. And the hospital takes you out of your current situation or environment so you can think more clearly.

So my suggestion, is to follow you therapist suggestion, and go into the hospital, on your terms, with your therapist working with them on your PTSD needs. So you can move on with life feeling a little better than you do now.

And just so you know I understand exactly where your at with safety, I was in the same place in september, and I posted a lot too, I still do at times. I held on and got help, and I am much butter.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Since I am from the US, but experiences may be different. However, I can say that I was terrified of going to the hospital. I fought it off until I couldn't fight any more. It was a nightmare at first. So many people, but since there wasn't any easy way out, I eventually adjusted. The first place I went to, you could earn privileges of going to the gym and of going outside as well as off the unit for meals. It was a general adult psych ward and I had one roommate and we shared a bathroom. It was very scary the first day, but not bad once I got over the initial shock.

I have been in a local unit that is pretty small three times. It is boring there. I make sure to find something to read and maybe a puzzle or word search otherwise it's a lot of TV watching. There is a therapy dog program and that's the highlight of it. That being said it is a good place to just escape. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to that you're there and you have to sign releases for them to talk to anyone. Obviously if you're living with your parents, you would probably want to tell them or have your therapist tell them. Otherwise you don't have to tell anyone.

I have also voluntarily gone to a trauma specific unit and that was well worth it.

At every place I have been to, I know that they can help people find new living situations.

I also know that it is better to go in voluntarily rather than involuntary so keep that in mind when it comes time to make the choice. It's scary and some places are scarier than others, but overall I have found it more useful than not. But I am also in a place where units are fairly small. The best was getting into the trauma specific unit though.

I hope you enjoy your time with your nephews and that whatever ends up happening in terms of the hospital works out well for you.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I need to apologise upfront about how often ive been posting lately. This site has become a bit of a l...

Do they ever have to know what kind of hospital? If they do is all that bad they know, they are family.

I know I have been in the hospital twice with my sister living with me, and while she did not understand what was going on with me at the time she was supportive anyways. So I think worrying about what family things is not a big issue, this is 2017 not 1950. Society is accepting of such things these days.

 

[MisterCatLady]

I was an adolescent when I was hospitalized but it was a positive experience. The adults were on a separate wing and we saw them daily. Everyone seemed chill.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Got 3 days in solitary in a tiny concrete cell no furniture no windows, withheld food for 24 hours.

@pixel Sounds punitive, when was this? Times have changed.
While I have been in seclusion many times, food was never withheld, but I was fed baby food sometimes because of restraints. As an adolescent my hospital treatment was different, and more controlling, as an adult much less so as I was expected to do differently as an adult.

 

[pixel]

@pixel Sounds punitive, when was this? Times have changed.

2003.
i should hope they've changed!

Glad to hear the positive messages regarding hospital being shared :)

@Cydavies, take care mate :tup:

 

[trying to heal]

First post a lot is a good thing, this forum is a lifeline for many of us, and many of us tu...

Thanks for this ... my T is definitely trying to help me make this decision for myself as she wants what is best for me. The hospital she wants me to go to is a sub-acute ward that runs a program and also works alongside your local dr and possibly psychologist?? I can't remember if she said that or not as when she was trying to tell me about it I was in a highly agitated/distressed state not much was going in.
I'm glad you are feeling better.. I can't envision that for me at the moment but I guess that's why this is all happening,

 

[trying to heal]

Since I am from the US, but experiences may be different. However, I can say that I was t...

Thank you .. I am doing my best trying to make this a good time for the boys and keep myself safe. I have sorted of numbed myself in order to cope and I know in the long run that will come back to bite me. I still dont understand how I can be a shaking sobbing mess in my T's office one minute and the next be somewhat functional. I feel like im lying or being fake or something.