C
casseti
Hi All,
I have been conflicted about this for about 2 years, regarding a close friend I've know for over 15 years.
A long time ago I dated a Covert narcissist. He hid it well for a while. Once I started to notice patterns, when his phony exterior would "crack", I researched to discover what was wrong with him, and fortunately came across a great description of NPD. He got it officially confirmed soon after by an actual psychologist. At that time I took it upon myself to read a ton of books and pursue my own therapy... I immediately broke up with him, and cut off all contact. In fact I cut out, one by one, ALL people who were in my life who displayed highly narcissistic or full blown NPD behavior. I even cut off disordered people in my family. I refused to be subject to their abuse any more. I was tired of being used, neglected, ignored, attacked, etc. I strongly felt that I deserved NONE of this abusive behavior, and my self-worth was more important than anything else. Years later, only a short list of people, those who chose to become more self-aware and take time to learn about themselves through self help+therapy, as well as about me (cpstd), and stick to my list of boundaries are allowed in my life in any fashion whatsoever. I read "every" populare book there is to read about this stuff, plus way more, so I knew what to expect, and I knew I had to stay strong and resist any NPD person's tactics to try to pull me back. I am vigilant, and even to this day I like to periodically refresh myself on these issues so as not to get tricked by any new abuser who may try to cross my path. We all know they can be master manipulators and charmers, unless one keeps a very sharp eye and a sharp ear.
I find myself dropping friends one by one who are still putting up with their own abusive boyfriends. I can be patient for years, as I understand the "fog" they are going through, but at this point I am down to one friend. She understands me, and has stood by as a loyal friend through years of darkness in my CPTSD recovery process. She is not perfect, as she has her own issues stemming from abuse in her past, but she is increasingly aware. She is so aware that in fact, I don't understand why she keeps going back to people she had wisely cut off from her past. People who have NOT done "the work" to change long-term.
For a few years already, she has known her ex has NPD. Even after she finally left him, he stalked her and tried to ruin her life in countless ways. A real psycho. Her NPD ex is self-aware and also got this diagnosed officially by a professional, but as we all know, NPD types don't change, they will forever be abusers, some just more hidden than others. What bothers me is that now that a year has passed, my friend says she is now "friends" again with her NPD ex. Here's the other thing... a few months ago, he said he wanted do something nice for her b-day, so he bought her a vacation ticket+hotel, and she accepted. I could sense by her shady posting on social media that she, for some reason, wanted to share with people that she was going on a trip, but clearly aimed to hide the destination and hide the identity of her travel partner. I could sense immediately that something fishy was going on. It made me angry.
I am annoyed at age 30 that my peer isn't either smart or mature enough to even recognize how TRANSPARENT her own immature attempt was to validate herself online for making this poor decision, all the while hiding half of the truth. It makes her look stupid... the whole thing felt gross to me. I am bothered that her self worth and/or self esteem is so low that she accepted the offer (which frankly is like prostituting off one's value) to take a trip with an extremely abusive guy. I have NEVER seen someone ever step so far backwards when they already know exactly who they are dealing with, and they took the time for over a year to learn about NPD and create space etc, etc. This is a guy who she had to call cops on several times. A guy who put hidden recorders in her house, hacked her phone, email, bank accounts, computers,wreaked havoc by showing up at her workplace, etc etc. I think she must be addicted to abusers (?). This has been going on long enough to where I question if I should have her in my life anymore. I am tired of this crap. She has a lifelong pattern of getting hooked up with abusive men, and then her behavior becomes more narcissitic, she starts telling lies and becoming very selfish, flaky, unreliable, making bullcrap excuses, and isolating from friends to spend all her time mooching off a guy for his house or his money or something, then bam! It blows up in her face when he becomes violent. Then she stops dating for a year, but repeats instead of GROWING out it. If you heard her speak on this topic, you would think that she has done enough learning and healing to avoid repeating herself in such a full-blown manner, but it doesn't work. I also noticed recently she is still in contact with an old female friend of hers who also displayed strong NPD traits and was very abusive+neglectful to her in the past... a person who there is literally zero reason to be in contact with. This female friend was also someone she had taken a long break from, and called out as being someone she suspected has NPD... so why go back? I could understand if the person had undergone years or therapy, but that didn't happen. For years I have felt I shouldn't be too judgemental because I totally relate to having dealt with NPD people in my past. They key difference is that I actually do what the professionals say -- set strong boundaries and cut abusers out of my life.
Should I cut her out too? I am starting to think there is nothing "whole" I can get from this friendship anymore, and that maybe even on a deeper level it's holding me back from the next level of my growth.
I have been conflicted about this for about 2 years, regarding a close friend I've know for over 15 years.
A long time ago I dated a Covert narcissist. He hid it well for a while. Once I started to notice patterns, when his phony exterior would "crack", I researched to discover what was wrong with him, and fortunately came across a great description of NPD. He got it officially confirmed soon after by an actual psychologist. At that time I took it upon myself to read a ton of books and pursue my own therapy... I immediately broke up with him, and cut off all contact. In fact I cut out, one by one, ALL people who were in my life who displayed highly narcissistic or full blown NPD behavior. I even cut off disordered people in my family. I refused to be subject to their abuse any more. I was tired of being used, neglected, ignored, attacked, etc. I strongly felt that I deserved NONE of this abusive behavior, and my self-worth was more important than anything else. Years later, only a short list of people, those who chose to become more self-aware and take time to learn about themselves through self help+therapy, as well as about me (cpstd), and stick to my list of boundaries are allowed in my life in any fashion whatsoever. I read "every" populare book there is to read about this stuff, plus way more, so I knew what to expect, and I knew I had to stay strong and resist any NPD person's tactics to try to pull me back. I am vigilant, and even to this day I like to periodically refresh myself on these issues so as not to get tricked by any new abuser who may try to cross my path. We all know they can be master manipulators and charmers, unless one keeps a very sharp eye and a sharp ear.
I find myself dropping friends one by one who are still putting up with their own abusive boyfriends. I can be patient for years, as I understand the "fog" they are going through, but at this point I am down to one friend. She understands me, and has stood by as a loyal friend through years of darkness in my CPTSD recovery process. She is not perfect, as she has her own issues stemming from abuse in her past, but she is increasingly aware. She is so aware that in fact, I don't understand why she keeps going back to people she had wisely cut off from her past. People who have NOT done "the work" to change long-term.
For a few years already, she has known her ex has NPD. Even after she finally left him, he stalked her and tried to ruin her life in countless ways. A real psycho. Her NPD ex is self-aware and also got this diagnosed officially by a professional, but as we all know, NPD types don't change, they will forever be abusers, some just more hidden than others. What bothers me is that now that a year has passed, my friend says she is now "friends" again with her NPD ex. Here's the other thing... a few months ago, he said he wanted do something nice for her b-day, so he bought her a vacation ticket+hotel, and she accepted. I could sense by her shady posting on social media that she, for some reason, wanted to share with people that she was going on a trip, but clearly aimed to hide the destination and hide the identity of her travel partner. I could sense immediately that something fishy was going on. It made me angry.
I am annoyed at age 30 that my peer isn't either smart or mature enough to even recognize how TRANSPARENT her own immature attempt was to validate herself online for making this poor decision, all the while hiding half of the truth. It makes her look stupid... the whole thing felt gross to me. I am bothered that her self worth and/or self esteem is so low that she accepted the offer (which frankly is like prostituting off one's value) to take a trip with an extremely abusive guy. I have NEVER seen someone ever step so far backwards when they already know exactly who they are dealing with, and they took the time for over a year to learn about NPD and create space etc, etc. This is a guy who she had to call cops on several times. A guy who put hidden recorders in her house, hacked her phone, email, bank accounts, computers,wreaked havoc by showing up at her workplace, etc etc. I think she must be addicted to abusers (?). This has been going on long enough to where I question if I should have her in my life anymore. I am tired of this crap. She has a lifelong pattern of getting hooked up with abusive men, and then her behavior becomes more narcissitic, she starts telling lies and becoming very selfish, flaky, unreliable, making bullcrap excuses, and isolating from friends to spend all her time mooching off a guy for his house or his money or something, then bam! It blows up in her face when he becomes violent. Then she stops dating for a year, but repeats instead of GROWING out it. If you heard her speak on this topic, you would think that she has done enough learning and healing to avoid repeating herself in such a full-blown manner, but it doesn't work. I also noticed recently she is still in contact with an old female friend of hers who also displayed strong NPD traits and was very abusive+neglectful to her in the past... a person who there is literally zero reason to be in contact with. This female friend was also someone she had taken a long break from, and called out as being someone she suspected has NPD... so why go back? I could understand if the person had undergone years or therapy, but that didn't happen. For years I have felt I shouldn't be too judgemental because I totally relate to having dealt with NPD people in my past. They key difference is that I actually do what the professionals say -- set strong boundaries and cut abusers out of my life.
Should I cut her out too? I am starting to think there is nothing "whole" I can get from this friendship anymore, and that maybe even on a deeper level it's holding me back from the next level of my growth.
