Do You Feel The Same Way About People ?

[Will86]

As a young person, I'm still learning how life and people function, I came up to realize long ago that I don't feel comfortable talking to the people I know about my own issues, even with my good friends or my family members.
They don't wanna hear that kind of topic or they simply don't understand how I feel. They respond dumb things or act like if they are not interested.. I don't know.

I don't expect anyone to be my psychiatrists but I sometimes expect to have a person I can just talk to for no more than five minutes and then switch to a ''normal'' conversation afterward, that's not much but that's all i ask, unfortunately, It never happens.

I'm not mister perfect, even far from it but I like discussing other problem's issues and try to make them feel better, that's what a healthy and a good relationship looks like to me.
Every time someone feels bad, they call me but when something bad happened in my life, no one asks me if I'm alright.

Are most people that self centered or is it a bad perception of reality that I have ?

 

[Rani G2]

bad perception of reality that I have ?

Will86, I wouldnt labelize it as a bad/good perception. Its the perception you have now. For you its reality. Even if I might not have the ability to influence other people's behaviour, their interaction, how much “they“ are willing to share, listen to and so on, I can influence my own emotional state. I can relate to what you are saying, I dont share much with people, I keep things very private. I listen a lot, but I hardly talk about myself when being around others. I dont like smalltalk or sweet talking.

 

[Nevermore]

@Will86 i think I know what you mean. I am more of a listener than a talker, and also the one people seek out to tell their feelings to. And I also have felt invisible and confused as to why I don't feel free to also share my own feelings.
I think, in my case anyway, I have had some pretty uncommon experiences that others can't imagine how they'd feel etc etc and so I learned not to share my feelings as I often got hurt by not being understood or confidences not being kept.
On the other hand, when people know you've been through a lot they feel safe sharing their feelings with you as they know you will understand or at least try to understand how they feel as they know you've suffered.
I think that's what it is anyway!
But also some of us grow up with the feeling that how we feel is not very important to others and so really letting another person in on how we feel is a very difficult thing to do as you expect rejection.
Not everyone waits to be asked how they feel, they just naturally tell you!
I try to be more visible these days as I was getting resentful of this kind of thing. It doesn't come naturally!

 

[Roosie]

I feel the same way sometimes but I often think that its not because people are not interested but they just really struggle in knowing what to say. At least in my case, many of my current issues are so difficult for other young people to relate to and it reminds them of their own mortality, so I can tell it's making them uncomfortable. Many feel deeply anxious and uncomfortable when delving deeper into difficult issues. In our cases we often had no choice, we were forced to face many difficult things so we know it's okay to have these difficult talks too, but many people would rather keep it more superficial because for them it's so unfamiliar. Sometimes I think the situation is also not idea for such conversations. I used to feel upset when my boyfriend wasn't willing to have these deeper conversations with me but he told me that sometimes he doesn't feel prepared to move from a normal chit chat into such a serious conversation so fast, he would prefer to do it when we can both take the time to have a proper conversation and get into it more slowly. I have learned to respect that slower pace too.

My mother was recently in a coma for nine months and my friends never asked how she was and I never raised the topic because I knew it was hard for them to discuss. At first I felt hurt but later on I realized that it was probably out of respect rather than not caring about me. Slowly I've been opening up a bit more but it took a long time to find the right kind of friends who are comfortable with these topics but I still struggle with it too.

 

[Will86]

Thank you for taking the time to answer, it was an interesting read, filled with wisdom and experience, it really helps.

 

[Friday]

People who talk about their problems? Are almost universally terrible to talk about your problems, with. Because they're bad at solving problems.

 

[J_trustno1]

Yup! This world is full of self centered, arrogant and nasty people who are only good at throwing their problems on you instead of being there when you are in bad phase. People like throwing their problems on others but as soon as you have a problem, they ignore the situation, in fact they disappear from your life like clouds. Only saying this from my experience. There are only 1-2 % good people, the rest is selfish and cruel who enjoy others suffering.

 

[cptsdsurvivor]

Totally agree with the last comment and sorry for the poster that you have realised this already in your life but it will stand you in good stead though.

The small number of people who are able to be real need to be cherished.

Regarding the original post, I would be very careful who you share things with. Furthermore, if people who don't deserve you want to share with you, you can equally switch off.

I can't tolerate conventional people any more and have said good bye to many former friends, who were never friends in the first place.

 

[ladee]

It took me a long time to realize I made myself unapproachable about my problems. I am reserved about my personal problems and watch people.
I don't usually like what I see so thru the years have become very discerning about who I open up to.
That's why I always called my T's my "paid friends".
Even here..I am just now starting to open up more about my history.
Have lived so long in my head I find it very difficult to put things into words.

 

[EmmaOwl]

People who talk about their problems? Are almost universally terrible to talk about your problems...

Sooo.... you find people who don't talk about their problems, and you talk to them? and then THOSE people find OTHER people to talk about their problems... etc. ? Or do you start out with people who have no problems? Um.

How does this work, Friday? Just wondering.

;)

 

[EmmaOwl]

It took me a long time to realize I made myself unapproachable about my problems. I am reserved about my...

I thought I was reserved but only much later realized that I, a girl perpetually with a book in hand (never an ASSIGNED book, though), actually intimidated people (I clomped around in Timberland workboots, men's levis which were always falling down 'cause I was a skinny thing, concert tees, and the ubiquitous flannel shirts - what? It was GRUNGE!), in a preppy little town known for its good school system - and I very much did not want to be there. I mean, I was living in a place where the "popular girls" loved Britney Spears and The Spice Girls. Luckily I found friends elsewhere.

I thought no one knew who I was but then I was voted Most Sarcastic senior year. Point is: I was pretty bad at self-perception as a teenager and going into college, and maybe spent too much time observing others... but I gained some insight as the years went by. @Will86 , I think it's good that you are observing things in this way. It will only help you out.

As a young person, I'm still learning how life and people function,

This is sharp and a wonderful thing to be aware of.

(I meant to start all that with "During high school." Mods? Someone throw that in the beginning maybe? Because it's confusing now that I see it missing from the beginning of my post.)

 

[Friday]

Sooo.... you find people who don't talk about their problems, and you talk to them? and then THOSE people find OTHER people to talk about their problems... etc. ? Or do you start out with people who have no problems? Um.

@Allie D. :roflmao: LMAO. Nah. At least not exactly. Everyone's got problems. That was a snippet from a larger piece where I was talking about different types of people & friendships that I got sick of writing halfway through & didn't cut/paste well. Should have read

"People who bring you all of their problems? Are almost universally terrible to talk about your problems, with. Because they're bad at solving problems."

I've known thousands and thousands of people / byproduct of moving so much as a kid then adult. People talk to other people for a whole lot of different reasons / base their friendships on different things. If your friendships are based on you're the one everyone brings their problems to? (And that's a really common dynamic in any group. There's usually someone that other people tend to trust with their hearts or their troubles.). Then, yep. You're gonna need to seek out someone outside your circle to bring your own problems to, more often than not. Now, the person you choose to come to for advice? If that's all you come to them for? It's not a very small part of your overall friendship? Yup. Just repeating the dynamic. They're unlikely to be able to bring their problems to you, either. And will need to look on up the chain for their own mentor, instead of expecting that all the people who bring them their problems are going to be able to reciprocate.

Expecting reciprocity from people who lay all their problems on your doorstep is like expecting discretion from a gossip. Ain't gonna happen.

Where reciprocity does tend to happen, is between equals. Not a mentor/mentee relationship, not when one person is the brick and mortar that holds a group together, nor is the calm still unmoving point in the universe that others look to and lean on.

Shrug. It's just a lesson from being dropped into a helluva lot of different groups of people all over the globe. Like the first people to be friendly to you? More often than not are fulfilling their own role in a preexisting dynamic. Whether it's the gossip who wants the scoop on the new person, or someone with an axe to grind looking to shore up support from someone who doesn't know the local history, or is someone counting coups (Firsts are very important amongst a certain type of social butterfly, the first to talk to/ first to form an opinion/ first to blah blah blah). Or a few other options. But gossips, troublemakers, & butterflies tend to be the first wave. Your real friends will almost never be the people who seek you out when you first land in any new situation. (Unless you also happen to be a gossip, troublemaker, or butterfly! ) Because it's not about you. It's about them. Doing their thing. Does it happen? You just click with someone off the bat? For sure. But it's rare. It tends to be the people who seek you out later, after the first wave has moved onto the next new/shiny thing, that are seeking you out because of things about you, rather than things about them. ((Personally, I tend to short circuit that process by plonking myself in with whomever I've targeted as being someone interesting / someone *I* want to get to know better, rather than waiting for people to come to me. But I'm not very patient, and shy people take months to even look you in the eyes. Screw that. I don't have months, here. Hiya!))