But I Could Have Stopped It

[asadafagahajakal]

Someone told me I couldn't have possibly stopped the abuse happening at home and at school, from age 9-12, but I know that's a lie, because there have been times I was able to throw a teacher on his ass. I was 75 lbs soaking wet and this guy was 190 lbs of muscle and was training to be a cop. He was one of the bigger guys that unjustifiably laid hands on me.

But my mom was tiny. Sure she had muscle, but shes only like 4'11. Why did I let her threaten my life? Why did I let her f*ck with my mind?

When I was 17 I met up with my one ex gf a few hours away from home. I slept in the living room while she got her bedroom. But she forced me to sleep with her, and Without protection. Sure it was her house, but I had the means to yell at the top of my lungs "GET THE f*ck OFF ME" even if it meant sleeping on the street until the next afternoon when I got a ride out of town. I still don't get why I let her do that. And she was still playing head games with me a year after.

Sure I was in a tough place but even if I'm wrong I can't shake the thought that I let all this bullshit happen. Maybe that's why it's like all my life has been a shitstorm.

 

[Fadeaway]

You are forgetting one tiny detail, we are dependent on our parents for survival at that age, even shitty parents. The other people were probably somehow vital to staying safe in the moment. If it your safety wasn't reliable than it was even more important that you didn't rock the boat too much. Sure you could have slept on the street, but what was the weather like? We tend to forget tiny details like that. There are always reasons we tend to forget.

 

[Sideways]

We all could have done something, at least, with the benefit if how many decades of distance, growth, pain, healing, analysis, asking ourselves "why" a million times over.

At the time? We did the best we could, in a world that didn't make sense, where the people who kept us alive were abusing us for reasons we will probably never understand.

You survived. That, alone, is enough for me to know that you did perfect. With the situation you were in, that wasn't fair, that you didn't deserve, that didn't make sense. You did perfect.

 

[Nevermore]

Ah.. I know I could have too. I knew things that I didn't want to know so I pretended i didn't know them.
For years. I allowed a lot I easily could have stopped.
The question is why did I do that? I know j wasn't stupid. I know i didn't want to be hurt again and again.
I knew it was all wrong but everything had always felt all wrong. I didn't know any better . Nor did you.
We grow up with the special rules of our own family, for some of us those rules can only hurt us.
But there's nothing we can do unti we know better. I'm just glad i know better now. It sounds lkke you do too. That's progress!! (:

 

[asadafagahajakal]

You are forgetting one tiny detail, we are dependent on our parents for survival at that age, even shi...

Now that you mention it, it was a rather warm october. I'm a savant. I don't just forget things, just contradictory memories during the times I was gaslighted on top of domestic violence. But say the right word, the memory comes up clear as day.

 

[Ronin]

People can stop their own actions.

Actions of someone else? Much less in position of authority? I think you couldn't have stopped, and most of all, stopping them wasn't ever your responsibility.

 

[Intrepid]

I used to fantasize that I was someone who was strong as a child, who knew everything I needed to know, and who could change things if I could only go back. There's no going back.

But as others have said, you didn't have the power, knowledge or development to do anything different than what you did. Choices aren't always available. When I look back with my more healed mind I can see that the resources were just not there. I couldn't have stopped anything.

I can, here and now, start developing those resources. That's the key. I can look back, but I can only act on and change the way I understand what happened. I can't change what happened.

 

[The Albatross]

Hindsight, though it can be beneficial, seldom takes into account the other factors and more subtle facts of the incidents including the emotional impact and perhaps terror or shock at the time of injury/trauma that renders the ability to react moot. Memories though assistive can be faulty, flawed or faded. It is not unusual to need to think that if only we were able to do/be/say/tell "xyz" that we could have stopped it.

What happened during those times is what happened. It didn't take me long as I weeded through the individual traumas with my shrink to see that at the time I straight up didn't have the ability to affect all that much and by the time I was an emancipated young woman, I didn't have the tools, skills and maturity to make better decisions.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I tried to stop my father from killing more children and he broke my arm. I was 10 years old. Another time he locked me in a hold with crabs and fish on his fishing vessel. That was after I told a stranger on a dock about what I saw him doing. That was the last time I tried to stop him or tell anyone what I saw him doing as a child. I was powerless against my father's strength and abuse.

While in school told someone about my father through the written word. My mother blocked those efforts because my teachers were disturbed by my dark prose and poetry. Even with more positive sounding words, I spoke my truth.

As children we are at the mercy of our caretakers and/or parents. Their control over me lasted well into my 30's for me until I "divorced" myself from them. Then I started writing down the truth and telling my therapists. I even reported it to the police...finally, knowing I wouldn't get any backlash from my father or mother.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Someone told me I couldn't have possibly stopped the abuse happening at home and at school, from age 9-...

What a horrible thing for you to go through.... I hate nothing more than aggressors, and I am shocked how aggressive females are in this country. You were seeking shelter and she abused you... Nice girl, I would be running and running and running.....

Holy cow, such crap really does happen, doesn't it?

I see how predators are very adapt at moving into territory they should not be in....

Just watched a TV show the other night, a cooking show and was very surprised when a male was moving in on a married female, right in front of all the cameras. When she was in close proximity he swooped in: he used several factors against her.... first he used public pressure (being in front of camera and knowing she did not want to embarrass the host), then he used normal human reflexes.... placed himself on one side of her face to steal physical affection which was just a reflex for her, and he did that so quick he used the element of surprise too. He moved so fast and was so tricky he kissed her right on the mouth and you could see in her face how surprised she was. It made me realize how tricky and how sneaky predators are......

 

[EmmaOwl]

People can stop their own actions.

Actions of someone else? Much less in position of authority? I think you couldn't have stopped, and most of all, stopping them wasn't ever your responsibility.

But at what age can people stop their own actions? A child getting talked into doing stuff that he or she does not want to do? Nothing done TO the kid - aside from the manipulative words.... all actions are on the part of the kid.

So I get stuck there. That's not the whole story, but I still get stuck.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I used to fantasize that I was someone who was strong as a child, who knew everything I needed to know...

Me too. So much. Some vague idea of "being taken care of". Which is a little odd because I actually was a fortunate child in that I was taken care of. I still wanted someone to save me, someone who knew me and would understand my hurt.