Toddler Bullied, Don't Know How To Deal With It

[Gamera3000]

I'm not including a lot of detail here just for length.

I have one three year old, who was in preschool all last year. He is unusually heavy and strong, I believe gifted, and charismatic. My husband and I had to take him out of preschool when he was 2 1/2 because he got a new teacher and teacher's aide and they appeared to be bullying him. I believe because he was too smart to be tricked into behaving and too heavy/strong to be easily forced into behaving. He became very sad and withdrawn after the bullying and still mentions it. He says he was also hit and pinched at the preschool.

I have put him into fresh classes/activities so that he can play with other kids and do things, but I am with him throughout all classes.

I feel like a failure for not seeing sooner that something was happening to my baby. I feel angry. I feel fear and dread that it will happen again as soon as my son isn't in my control. I'm having flashbacks to things that happened to me and things I saw happened to my late brother. Has something like this happened to anyone else? How do you deal with it?

 

[Leighlee87]

I'm a teacher, so I might be able to help in this realm a tiny bit. Possibly not to the extent you need, but I will try. I know your situation is somewhat different, but I have a special needs child at home, which has caused a lot of bullying by peers and some teachers in the past. As a parent, it is incredibly painful.

Hmmm...bullied by teachers, not okay. I'm glad you pulled him from the class he was in previously. I've seen some really not okay behaviors from certain programs. My recommendation, look for a program that has certified, licensed teachers (teachers who have a college degree, ideally, or at least an associates degree, they exist I promise). Another good idea, if you can afford it, is to look for a montessori program since it takes a lot of education and training to teach in a montessori school. Education on how to deal with/ manage a group of tiny people is important, because honestly, it isn't easy, and a lot of times people are pulled off the street for those positions--anyone can apply, pass a background inspection, and get the job).

I'd say, maybe write down discipline methods that you know work at home. Say something like, "If you're having a hard time with him, it might be helpful to try these things because they seem to work really well at home." Keep in contact with teachers a lot. I know you're in the classroom with him now, but if you decide to let him have class by himself, just ask the teacher about his behavior each day. They tend to be honest, so you can try to troubleshoot together. Keep in mind it's a classroom, so discipline (or I'd rather call them encouragement methods because 95% of the time that is what it should be) needs to be something practical that the teacher can do while keeping the entire class under control. Ex. if the teacher is trying to get the kids all in line and off the playground equipment, then it isn't the time for certain tactics cause at that age, half the class will be back on the playground equipment or too wiggly to stay in line.

Hitting and pinching at that age among peers is totally common. Not acceptable, and should be dealt with, but common. It's just a developmental age thing."I want that toy you have, you won't give it to me, I'm gonna bite you". They don't have the ability at that age to see from someone else's eyes. They quite literally think that everyone sees it through their eyes and have a hard time when it doesn't happen like that. They think if they want chocolate, then their parents should want them to have chocolate too. They don't see that someone else might have a different opinion than them, or why. It's a small part of why temper tantrums sometimes ensue. (There are lots of articles on this in child development). Teach him to speak up to teachers when the biting or pinching happens. It will be dealt with, but the other child might try it a multitude of times on all students before the lesson sinks in.

 

[Gamera3000]

Another good idea, if you can afford it, is to look for a montessori program since it takes a lot of education and training to teach in a montessori school.

Really? I didn't know that. We do have a montessori school near us. I will look into that. Thank you!

I'd say, maybe write down discipline methods that you know work at home.

I really like this idea. I kind of feel like no one would listen to me, but I guess those are just my feelings.

Hitting and pinching at that age among peers is totally common.

Sorry, I wasn't clear here. I asked him who did this, while being careful not to lead. He said both of the teachers were mean, not nice. That the kids were nice, and they were his friends, and that he missed them. He said that he had been "mean." And that a specific kid's mom was mean and that she hit kids. I asked him who hit and pinched him and he wouldn't tell me.

I believe he exaggerates when things are his fault. I have witnessed other kids picking on him, with him doing nothing, and he came away from it telling us that he was mean to the other kid. I believe he thinks that if someone is mean he must have done something to deserve it. We have tried to explain things to him but I think he's too young to understand.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I'm sorry this is happening to your child. I'd forgotten about being bullied by a teacher until I read this.
I was in 5th grade so older than your son but my teacher and the kids in my class made fun of me. I told my mom and she called the school. Of course my teacher denied it and it got worse. My mom told me if it happened again to go to the office and tell them to call her. I did that and my mom threatened to pull me out of school. They switched my class to a nicer teacher but the kids were still mean.

Montessori would be a great idea or a charter school if there's one of those in your area.

I wish you and your son happiness and peaceful days. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

 

[Gamera3000]

I'm sorry this is happening to your child. I'd forgotten about being bullied by a teacher until I read t...

Thanks for your story. I had a memory myself of something like that happening in preschool, but I was so little that I didn't completely trust it. Hearing this from you makes me think that it happens more than we'd like to think.

 

[Freedomfighter]

So sorry to hear how your child was abused by people who should know better.
I believe because he was too smart to be tricked into behaving and too heavy/strong to be easily forced into behaving.
Right on because that happens at all age levels. Ever since I have entered schools and workplaces in this country I have been bullied due to such circumstances, being within the autistic spectrum does not help, PTSD certainly does not make that any easier either.

Peers will attempt to abuse others simply because they recognize a person's smarts and capabilities.

If I would bring up a child in this country I would only consider home schooling. What I have learned about schools is atrocious, with physical abuse, sexual abuse, and bullying rampant.

 

[anonymous]

I'm having flashbacks to things that happened to me and things I saw happened to my late brother.

Is it possible that some of this is projection?

I don't know you, or your child, or his preschool. So I don't know very much about the important things in this scenario.

Based on your post though, your child was being targeted because he (a) couldn't be tricked into behaving; & (b) was too big/strong to be coerced (my interpretation of your post at least).

A couple of things come to mind here. First, at 2 years old, it seems unlikely that your son is physically completely uncontrollable, especially by a day care person who deals with toddlers professionally, and I'm picturing a toddler of that age having to become really quite extremely physical for an adult to have to seriously intervene physically. That's highlighting some fairly serious behavioural issues from your child. Can you think why he might be acting out so boisterously at 2? It certainly isn't the case that larger 2 year olds are the physical rival of even a small adult, even mid-tantrum from the "terrible 2s".

Second, kids shouldn't be needing to get 'tricked' into behaving. Good behaviour shouldn't be complicated- these are the rules, and that's just how it is. No tricks required, to the contrary, it's often considered helpful to be really clear with toddlers about good behaviour (reward it), and bad behaviour (discourage it). Good and bad need to be made clear, rather than tricking the kid into doing the right thing unawares. So I'm wondering what was going on at the preschool that they felt it was appropriate to be trying to "trick" the kids, rather than just teach them straight up, "This is what you do...". Toddlers don't have the brain development to understand much further than good/bad.

So, back to my first comment, is it maybe possible that this is in large part projection? Concern for your unhappy and victimised child, being made more of a complicated (and distressing) problem by overlaying what happened in the past onto the situation with bubs?

For what it's worth, I gave my mum hell with the second preschool that I went to (I was 3). I didn't click with the ladies there, and mum ended up quitting work to look after me till I started school. There wasn't anything to suggest that they were doing anything wrong, but I started becoming a pretty heinous little toddler whenever she tried to leave me there.

It worked out in the end for me. Normal primary school did the job fine. I was pretty unfortunate because I had the "gifted" label from a young age as well and ultimately skipped a couple of years of school, and being "gifted" was only ever a curse. My mum always says that when I got bored, I got into trouble (hence skipping years), which is probably true, and may well be the explanation for my preschool behaviour, if not your son's.

All I'd suggest is that if bubs is gifted, and it starts to show at school in the years ahead, there's a lot to be said for treating gifted kids pretty much just like every other kid. A lot. Like, a LOT!!! Learning social skills will be harder, because if you're bright, you stick out just as much as if you had 2 heads, and it can be incredibly isolating. Social skills can become nigh on impossible once you start getting treated different because you're "gifted".

 

[Gamera3000]

Is it possible that some of this is projection?

Okay, YES, this is exactly what I thought at first, and is why I let it go for a couple months before doing anything.

First, at 2 years old, it seems unlikely that your son is physically completely uncontrollable, especially by a day care person who deals with toddlers professionally

My husband and I have had to go to our doctors several times for injuries related to picking him up. The teacher at his preschool had a bad back and was overweight. He does typical toddler temper tantrums, but since he's very heavy and strong it is much more difficult to deal with. I had to just become physically stronger and more patient to deal with him.

Second, kids shouldn't be needing to get 'tricked' into behaving. Good behaviour shouldn't be complicated- these are the rules, and that's just how it is.

I wish that were the case. For example, sometimes the kids at this preschool would not want to walk down the stairs. The young moms would tell them it's a game and let's see who can get to the bottom fastest. I don't think that's safe, and it's useless to play those kinds of games with my kid. One of these moms tried "helping" me by suggesting this stair racing game to my son when he was examining the railing too closely and holding up traffic. He looked at her like she was stupid. I usually try to explain to my kid what's going on and why I'm asking him to do this or that. Don't walk in the road because if a car hits you, you would go to the hospital or die. Like that. I did tell the preschool that they needed to speak to him in that detail and assume he understood even if he didn't respond, but I don't think they believed me.

I also witnessed him in his music class (I go with him to that) do a puzzle in a completely wrong way that actually logically worked. It messed up all the subsequent kids who did the puzzle after him, because once everyone saw how you could do it wrong it was hard to unsee it. So it's kind of hard to tell him that "these are the rules" because he can often see ways around the rules. I really think part of the problem is that he has that smart person attitude that the people around him are idiots.

All I'd suggest is that if bubs is gifted, and it starts to show at school in the years ahead, there's a lot to be said for treating gifted kids pretty much just like every other kid. A lot. Like, a LOT!!! Learning social skills will be harder, because if you're bright, you stick out just as much as if you had 2 heads, and it can be incredibly isolating. Social skills can become nigh on impossible once you start getting treated different because you're "gifted".

Yes, I agree. I don't want him to skip grades. It's very clear to me that he is emotionally his proper age, maybe even sometimes emotionally somewhat sensitive, and I think it would be really bad to put him in with older kids, no matter what his intellectual capabilities. I think some of his problems are grasping concepts that he's not emotionally ready for. It's possible that he won't get good grades though, because he may simply be uninterested in participating. I just don't know how he'll do in that kind of environment. I was not allowed to go to school myself, until college. My dad died when I was little, but I have all his report cards. All of them are Ds, Fs, and As. Full of remarks that said that he COULD do well if he WANTED to. I don't want to get cards like that back for my son.

 

[Gamera3000]

being within the autistic spectrum does not help

Funny you mention autism. My son and I are pretty much the opposite of autistic (we're more like car salesmen) but my husband is autistic and my son seems most comfortable around autistic teachers and kids. I wish there was a PC way I could request that he have an autistic teacher.

Peers will attempt to abuse others simply because they recognize a person's smarts and capabilities.

Sometimes I think on some level people find this threatening. I am used to being around super smart people, so it doesn't make me feel inferior, but I think it's hard for most normal people to accept that someone has gifts that they don't. Especially if they're using those gifts to get around rules that everyone has to obey.

If I would bring up a child in this country I would only consider home schooling. What I have learned about schools is atrocious, with physical abuse, sexual abuse, and bullying rampant.

I hope it doesn't come to that. He loves people so much and I know I couldn't educated him like he deserves. We have a few private school options around here. We aren't feeling too great about the regular schools. A WOMAN at the public school he would be going to just got arrested for child pornography. A young, pretty woman, who I would have never suspected. Disgusting and horrifying.