What Now? Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

[NewBeginnings]

Sorry for such a long post. . . I don't know what I feel but my journey has been nearly 3 years since an emotional scare stirred up emotions in me that I was ready to jump out of my skin. Three years later, I have shared so much. . . from an emotionally absent mother to an abusive father, abusive older neighbor, failed suicide attempt and deciding I would NEVER acknowledge my past then onto lots of drinking, being raped on different occasions to then settling down - married, children, add 20 years until I found i was unable to cope with myself. Now I have put it out on the table during therapy and I am scared of what is next. I was so ready to be smarter on my next suicide plan and kept it a great secret - I continued to see my therapist weekly. . . somehow my longing to end it all is now only an occasional thought. I look at my life and think it has all been deconstructed in therapy and while parts of me feel better - I am struggling. I question if the worst is behind me. . . I have tried to be an honest as possible with my T. I didn't realize I left out pieces - last week my T asked me if I thought I had been raped and I so casually said "Oh yeah, a number of times. . . I know because of the fragmented memories and the bruising but I had drank so much that it just happened." For me- and this may sound bad - because I drank so much the rape wasn't as bad as it could have been. We didn't talk about this more last week and I thought I was ok but it seems like I opened up a new issue - I need to be over my issues - I struggle with dissociation and I feel like I have been working so slow through my issues - 3 years feels like an eternity since I initially thought I would talk with someone for a few times and feel good and be done. My T has been so understanding and has given me space on my issues - she says the timing is up to me...when I ask if I have been seeing her too long - she thoughtfully reviews my goals and says her challenge is if she is doing her job by pushing me enough but not too much . . . I think it is ok - there are weeks that it is almost too intense but then I seem to have a break through. I am scared because of the rape piece. . . while I was nonchalant about it-I expect my T will bring it up at some point. I don't want it to affect me but since last week my memories are more vivid. I am afraid I can't handle this.
I think maybe I need a break from my therapy and want to know if I were to stop going - can I just file away my past for another time. This was my first therapy experience and I am in my 40's. Is it possible to over analyze life? I am a fan of seeing if it can just go away. I think this is a good point to stop before I get into another topic but I am also not sure how to tell my T the I am taking a break - While I am struggling - I am not suicidal, I am not a basket case, actually haven't cried in years, and by all accounts I appear to be doing well. Sorry I am all over the place. I appreciate this forum and have found it immensely helpful to understand that I am not a freak or outcast for my issues. I question if I stop now and stop analyzing my past that I cannot change, will I be able to feel normal again?
I would greatly appreciate any feedback. . .

 

[Casey_03]

Personally, I don't think a break is a good idea. If you wanted to take a break because you felt like you had already dealt with everything there was to deal with, that's one thing. But it sounds like there are things you don't want to dig deeper into and that's why you want to stop going. In my experience, if you do that, you're just setting yourself up for more inner turmoil and prolonging your own recovery. I put off talking about a lot of traumas for years and it only caused me more trauma, allowed me to abuse alcohol, and get raped more. I'm not saying that would happen to you, but I do think you'd experience more turmoil if you take a break. You'd really only be pushing things deeper down, you wouldn't be getting rid of them. They'll still catch up with you. That's just my two cents.

 

[Swemoor]

Hello, Though I feel better now sometime something still comes, even if I am only 20 right now, thinking in the long path I have in front of me scares me.
So maybe I am not the best person to speak to you about it but, trauma is something that doesn't only disappear from one day to another, but with time I started to realize that every time it hurts less and less, I still can't understand why if I am safe sometimes it feels like the past is still chasing after me but about your question, even with all of that sometimes I feel actually happy, I feel like my old life is back, instead of feeling scared I feel strong.
My psychiatrist says that someday those painful memories will be substituted by happy memories.

I don't think it disappears completely but you are doing alright, I am pretty sure of that.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Personally, I don't think a break is a good idea. If you wanted to take a break because you felt like...

Hi - I hear you but "is it possible to deal with all our issues?" I am in my 40's so that is a lot of stuff. . . it seems like there can always be something.
I do think objectivity is important which is why I put it out there and find your perspective interesting. What you don't know about me is that I have a hard time deciding what I want to do and often stay in a situation because I just don't know what I want. I thought about asking my T about taking a break but was fearful that she would turn it around and ask me if that was really what I wanted and why OR she would honor my request and maybe I shouldn't be closing the door on support (even though I want my independence).

 

[NewBeginnings]

Hello, Though I feel better now sometime something still comes, even if I am only 20 right now, thinkin...

Thank you - glad to hear you are in a better space. Somehow over the past few years, I have lost a lot of feeling and almost don't remember how I used to feel. Encouraged to hear that it is possible - maybe my journey will be longer because i am older and buried it for so long.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Encouraged to hear that it is possible - maybe my journey will be longer because i am older and buried it for so long.

I started to remember the first time in my mid twenties. It was the stuff which happened in my extremely dysfunctional family. I left therapy two years later and then did nothing for years and started again in therapy when I was 35. I stopped seeing my last therapist when I was 62. (Not the same therapist from age 35 to 62.)

I feel "normal" whatever that means. Because the only normal that I know is on the dryer temperature. Everything's relative. I do have some issues and I may go to therapy again. UGH. But if it's necessary, it's necessary.

In my experience I can't file away my memories because eventually they come to the surface at the most inopportune time. I know if I feel uncomfortable with something I need to forge ahead and delve into the therapy.

Don't know if I answered your questions/concerns or not.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I started to remember the first time in my mid twenties. It was the stuff which happened in my extre...

Thank you for your honesty. When I go back and read what I wrote, I see the flaws in my thinking but I had been questioning the process for awhile. I operate a lot from fear and didn't really understand that. I don't like the pit in my stomach and I want to be in the present. I hate whining. I am a do'er but all of this mind clutter is hard and makes it harder to be good to myself.

I agree that normal is subjective and normal for everyone. I guess I long for the times when I didn't feel yuck but then again that was in the past and perhaps I was feeling worse but managed to dull it out with things that were not good. I wonder how I will get to a space of just being ok with me. - long process.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Sorry for such a long post. . . I don't know what I feel but my journey has been nearly 3 year...

Your plight sounds very familiar, it reminds me of the many difficult phases I have gone through in the past. When PTSD hits there is a jungle of symptoms, all jumbled together, fragmented memories, different traumas bleeding into each other, symptoms from one trauma that mimics symptoms from other experiences, traumas and the meshed together reactions of a person that is facing a lot of different traumas at the same time. It is exhausting to combat all of that, and often our minds do not cope well. That is why you feel you are rambling, boy have I been there. But it is not rambling, during times of intense PTSD symptoms the victim will recall many different traumas, will recall pain from a lot of different sources and is unable to digest these traumas one by one. What happens is that all of the traumas mesh together which is not only incredibly painful but extremely confusing. Have been there so many times.

So you can rest assured, what you are doing is not rambling (which is a statement probably a lot of PTSD sufferers make: that they ramble). I have learned a lot and I know that what I was doing was not rambling, I was just in extreme pain from unresolved trauma that forced my brain to simultaneously work on all of the traumas which I was not able to do. So often when I "ramble" I now know that I am actually addressing different traumas at the same time, sometimes even in the same sentence. I now know that I speak to different predators at the same time, sometimes in the same sentence. What seemed often confusing and made me doubt my own sanity now can simply be deciphered as the desperate attempts of a victim to address the traumas and the people that forced the victim into these traumas. Very tough at first to understand, but I have now learned that this is exactly what happens.

By the way if you have many traumas you may be looking at complex PTSD.

 

[kilted]

It is possible to get to a place of being OK with yourself. It can take a while.

Now your therapist knows, it seems like you are scared of your reaction to their reaction to them knowing. (ie they will ask you about it). This is normal. Ideally it's not a time to stop therapy, it's a time to acknowledge your fears and tell your therapist about them.... so your not talking about the events, your talking about your fear of talking about the events. This "meta" conversation is part of the relationship building process. The meta conversation allows you and your therapist to put in place support that allows you to understand yourself sufficently to manage the process of staying "safe enough" while being with someone who knows and cares about you but doesn't know everything.

 

[ladee]

I have never known "normal" and quite frankly it appears quite boring to me.
And who knows what that means anyway.
My stark naked howling at the Universe to set me free of the constant pain paid off.
Many times I questioned if I would make it thru whatever I was working on at the time.
And every time I got thru..it made me stronger the next time.I had less fear and just stopped fighting the fact if I didnt do the work ,THEY still owned me.
Just stopped all that deal making I was doing with my own brain.
Everyone has thier own journey. The process can not be rushed or denied.
Pain is part of life...suffering is a choice. I just started picking my pain.
The pain of staying stuck..or the pain of pushing thru.
Many times I was a terrified blubbering mess in the fetal position begging for death.
Do not ever, ever underestimate the human need to survive.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Your plight sounds very familiar, it reminds me of the many difficult phases I have gone through...

Hi -
Thank you for your response and parts of it resonates. I do feeling like an rambling idiot and then remind myself that statements like that don't help me build self compassion. I want to keep everything I have dealt with in separate boxes well organized so I can decide when and how to process. It sounds like that is not really how it works.
Haven't looked into complex ptsd -actually a bit surprised I join this forum because it is scary to admit this to myself let alone others even if no one knows me - that said there is some thing about this that helps me not feel so bad.
I had another appointment a couple of days ago and while I didn't bring up the idea to stop we touched on things which seem to make the whole process intense as usual . Then I journaled this morning after too many racing thoughts and came to the realization that I so badly want her to be angry at me. I am a do gooder but realized I just want her to get really angry with me -I sent her my writing and all the reasons why she should be angry with me and a light bulb just went off that maybe this is what I do... get people angry with me in a passive aggressive way and hope they will shut me out - trouble is my T doesn't show she is angry (in reality she shows me the opposite).

It is possible to get to a place of being OK with yourself. It can take a while.

Now your therapist kn...

Interesting - it has always seemed safer to to do it on my own... I know I can rely on myself.

I have never known "normal" and quite frankly it appears quite boring to me.
And who knows what that mean...

Good point - I guess normal is an unattainable state that it seems like everyone else is in.
I do have trouble with "Pain is part of life" I have spent lots of energy trying to avoid pain so wouldn't get hurt - lots to think about.
Thank you

 

[talon]

Sorry for such a long post. . . I don't know what I feel but my journey has been nearly 3 year...

YOU are a survivor that's for sure and there seems to be many positives in your life. The best revenge is to get better so if you feel anger i hope that helps. Whatever you do don't lie to yourself . Take your time it sounds you have a good therapist no one is going to call you a failure believe in yourself and never apologize