What Now? Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

[NewBeginnings]

YOU are a survivor that's for sure and there seems to be many positives in your life. The best rev...

Wow - I am kinda surprised that anyone has replied and yet there have been responses. While I have worked through what seems like a lot of stuff -there seems to be more and to know that others have had their own journeys (parallel) is comforting and was not really considered by me. I am amazed at by the amount of people who check into this site -it's huge.... on one hand I know so well and yet I didn't connect the dots.
I do think I am seeing a good T and she runs a few groups too. I had never been encouraged to attend a group and I thought it was because my situation didn't fit (and it may not) but maybe there is another reason {total side note: I live in a small community and I have a significant job which could cause others to feel uncomfortable or for me to be uncomfortable. i never considered this and just assumed I was too different}

YOU are a survivor that's for sure and there seems to be many positives in your life. The best rev...

Forgot to say what I first intended to say. I want to add a disclaimer - the following is how I think about my experiences and ME - i am not questioning anyone else...
The word survivor has always seems out of place for me- I am scared and want to run from my past- that does not seem to come from a place of strength which is I interpret a survivor to be. I don't think survivor is what I am -rather I am just me

 

[kilted]

I'd be wary of groups. Even if a therapist is great at 1-1, groups are a COMPLETELY different ballgame. I've been in several groups run by competent, experienced therapists where I've been lucky to avoid becoming a psychological casualty, and have seen others on the edge also. Though these experiences were re-traumatising, my anger at what was happening led me into reading widely around group dynamics which I found immensely useful. This showed me that what had happened to me wasn't because of my issues, but because the leaders probably hadn't had the training required and were clueless about best practice.

I would also be wary in a small community. This is something that isn't covered in many therapist trainings so I think you're right in having reservations. 1-1 should be confidential..... group members aren't covered by the same ethical codes so confidentiality isn't a given.

The best groups I have ever encountered were peer led, but they had been running for decades, so the older members were vastly experienced, there was a strong group culture and considerable trust between members. These groups were completely different to ones run by "professional" therapists.

 

[Gadgie]

I can't even remember the last time I felt "normal" it's been so long now, but I suppose I was at some time in the past?

 

[NewBeginnings]

I'd be wary of groups. Even if a therapist is great at 1-1, groups are a COMPLETELY different ballgame....

Sounds very wise . . .i wasn't really thinking that a group was something for me but rather thought that I was all alone to have been struggling with my past and most people healed faster and without the drama I think I have

 

[lux.]

is it possible to deal with all our issues?" I am in my 40's so that is a lot of stuff. . . it seems like there can always be something.

Not only were you way off in thinking you could just go in for a few sessions and be over your issues, but three years is nothing in terms of trauma treatment, unfortunately. You might be in therapy for a very long time--even the rest of your life. I am pretty sure I will be for the rest of mine, but is that really so bad? Going and talking to someone I (hopefully) connect with for an hour or two a week in search of some self-discovery? I personally like therapy.

Now your therapist knows, it seems like you are scared of your reaction to their reaction to them knowing.

I think kilted hit it right on the money there. You took a really big step in telling your therapist what happened to you, and then your impulse to quit was probably because you were immediately afraid of having to continue the conversation, and maybe even regretted having said what you did. But usually when you're scared to go to therapy and you want to quit, it means you are about to hit on something big and important which could be a big breakthrough. Being open and honest about the things you most don't want to talk about is exactly what will speed up the process of recovery.

thought that I was all alone to have been struggling with my past and most people healed faster and without the drama I think I have

Not true at all. Chronic trauma causes a lot of damage, and it takes a long time to repair that damage. I've been in therapy a lot longer than three years and I just got out of an inpatient unit--I am still a complete mess.

I've been in several groups, though, and have not had bad experiences. Perhaps @kilted and I were just in different kinds of groups. Aside from the ones I've been in in inpatient, PHP, and IOP treatment settings, the outpatient groups I've been in have been very structured. Right now I'm in a DBT/art therapy group and an advanced TREM group, both of which involve some teaching and aren't just a bunch of patients sitting in a circle talking.

If you do start to think about quitting or taking a break again, just make sure you really have a good discussion about it with your therapist. Be honest with her about what sparked the idea and what feelings are behind it, and she will help you make the right decision.

 

[talon]

Wow - I am kinda surprised that anyone has replied and yet there have been responses. While I...

Well i am a survivor otherwise i'm a victim which i am most certainly not .

 

[NewBeginnings]

Not only were you way off in thinking you could just go in for a few sessions and be over your issues, but...

Wow - you cut to the chase and summed it up well. I guess I have/had lots of biases around how I think the therapy process should be and how I think I should react. This is exactly one of my issues- I have always THOUGHT my way through challenges and the feeling part never integrated because I have done a great job at not allowing any space for feelings. Now it seems like,they have erupted which creates a sense of being out of control and vulnerability and that does get to be overwhelming and really scary.

I did somewhat appreciate/enjoy the space to talk in therapy but recently it has stirred up so much in me that I questioned the process and if this is really what happens- Sounds like from you and others that this is a long journey.

As an aside my mom is a retired Psychiatrist Nurse and while some are good and some are not, I did not witness positive role modeling around any benefits of therapy (in fact quite the opposite). The only reason I ended up with a T was because I couldn't cope after a crisis but I never understood what that would involve. I have learned a lot about me in the process and see how much fear I really have.

 

[lux.]

my mom is a retired Psychiatrist Nurse and while some are good and some are not, I did not witness positive role modeling around any benefits of therapy (in fact quite the opposite)

My parents are in the psych field, too, and they're idiots. And keep in mind that if you're in your 40s, psychology/psychiatry have come a long way since your mom's time.

 

[kilted]

I tried to think my way through my stuff, but I've found that a combination of thinking, connecting to my feelings/emotions and doing bodywork has given better results. Thinking is good, but it only goes so far.... so a good trauma therapist will be in it for the long term and interested in helping their clients explore their clients individual way of connecting to feelings and emotions that are difficult to access verbally.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Many, many years ago when I first started therapy I was under the illusion that three months and I would be on my merry way all healed!

I think you are normal for what you have been put through. I think your normal for all that you have suffered and I do think you probably need to stay in therapy for a while yet.

After nine years of therapy and going to so many groups I quit therapy to learn how to think for myself and I was ready. I had grown up quite a bit.

I do not regret my choice at all in any way. I had a life and since my husband died a few years ago, I am realizing that I have to start over and rebuild a better life for me.

I think you are brave for talking about your issues here. That took guts and so I am confident that you have what it takes to go the distance with your therapist. I totally understand about being scared. I do get that because I get scared too, but life requires that we participate I am learning.

I think all of life is a practice anyway and there is no instruction manual to guide us. So think about all of the responses and make a choice what do you want out of therapy? I hope this has helped.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Many, many years ago when I first started therapy I was under the illusion that three months and I would...

Thank you for your perspective - it has been eye opening how all the responses lead to a similar path - I think I make up my mind of what I should think or how things should be and make the assumptions that I know best. This whole conversation thread has challenged some of my assumptions that I knew to be true. That has been helpful to recognize when we "know" we are "right" about something it is not about "right" or "wrong" but how we move in a healthy direction. I somehow figure the best path was the one of least resistance which I am reconsidering that thinking because it may not always prove helpful and this is tough stuff. (Not the easy way).
Thanks.

 

[Dalemarie Ellison]

Sorry for such a long post. . . I don't know what I feel but my journey has been nearly 3 year...

Don't stop now, push through it! Forgive yourself, the past cannot be changed, but today can, and every day better and better towards the goal. I have been through that dark tunnel and wanted to quit, but I'm thankfu?l my therapist wouldn't let me. There is HOPE!! Keep up the good work, feel the pain, cry, but keep on going!

I have never known "normal" and quite frankly it appears quite boring to me.
And who knows what that mean...

My normal is what I make it to be each day. I am 58 years young with multicoloured hair. I also have MS, so I live each day as well as I can. I learned to love myself and accept me with all my quirks. Makes me genuine, and memorable