I Wish They Would Stop

[Sunshineturtle]

With every new memory, I just want them to stop, to go away. It's like, ok, I get it already, horriblethings happened, a LOT of horrible things, for A LOOONG time. People I knew, didn't know, and some I really should have been able to trust, did some of it.. got it. Can't we just move on already? When does the part where I actually start to heal, to love myself, to be able to stop being hypervigilant, to trust people, to love people, happen? When do the good things happen, the joy happens? Why do I have to continue to see all of these memories? When does it stop and the good start?

 

[Intrepid]

I heard recently that the problem isn't only with the original trauma. It's also when you started to discover that what had happened was wrong. I have dissociated a lot. As it comes back I need to do more than just remember. I need to forgive myself (I'll never forgive some people). I need to become able to live with the shame, fear and hatred. That means I need to point it in the right direction, and that isn't always at me.

So, the good started for me when I had healed in a million little increments. Finally, I could remember enough to hold on to what I learned and really use the tools given to me in therapy to deal with the flashbacks and flooding.

A real gage of my improvement is how well I spell. Over the last 6 months my ability to catch and correct mistakes has been really improving. Yay!

It's so painful not knowing when it will end. My heart goes out to you. Keep working at it. There are deeper levels and it does get better.

 

[ladee]

It does get better. None of us would be here if it didn't.
It like one day you just realized you are smiling about something. Or you really laughed out loud.
One of the reasons self care is so important. We have to give our self a break. We have to find things to distract us from the constant pressure.
And a lot of positive self talk.
And come here as often as you need to. It always helps to read that we made progress and Didn't realize it.
It really does get better
Gentle hugs for how hard you are working.

 

[Heather91]

When I found this site (really like 10 minutes ago) I had just had a flashback and it brought me to tears. I have suffered abuse from 3 people in my life, 2 of which I thankfully don't have to associate with. However, the other one is someone I will have to deal with for a long time....he's my daughter's father. I fear that I will never be able to get over that abuse because I have to communicate with him. Although he has never hurt her, it breaks my heart and scares me every time I have to send her with him. I truly hope that in time, I will heal. I just have no idea how that will happen. I'm hoping that joining this site will help.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

I heard recently that the problem isn't only with the original trauma. It's also when you started to...

Thank you Intrepid. I am not sure how to do any of this sometimes. Just when I think I have it beat, nope.. another round starts. I want to love me. I want to know what it's like to love myself. I never have. There were so many who made that impossible. Who told me that I was unloved and unlovable. I was sold , ritually abused, and it all started at 3 years old. There were people who were involved that should have been trustworthy, but were so not! Now, as a result, I have DID, and feel crazy and even more ashamed of all that I was a part of and never told, never stopped, never did anything about. I don't want to know any more. There are powerful people in this world doing horrible things. People say that it's not true. Say that you are crazy when you talk about it, but it is true. I lived through it. I don't want to know any more. I just want to know joy. Just one time in my life. My doctor has this picture in her office, that was taken of her and her dog on the beach. She is laughing as the dog is playing with her. Her face is filled with pure joy. I want to feel that. Just one time. I am so tired of these other things , these other feelings that I am constantly bombarded with.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

Thank you guys.. baby turtle steps.. it's an exhausying journey. It's been a year now, but decades of abuse isn't going to be solved in a year of weekly appointments.. perspective, I suppose. One year ago I didn't know what was wrong, or that anything was.. that I had been involved in a marriage full of domestic violence. I guess I have to be patient.

 

[One step at a time]

You may already know these things but:
You may have been hurt, and you may have DID, but you are not crazy.
You found a way to survive. You are strong, and you are brave for choosing to talk about this as part of learning to be more-than-surviving.

For me, the way the memories stopped replaying was:
(1) There was a long time when I was constantly dissociated or reliving - I was never really in the present. When I got help, the reliving spiked. A lot. My T taught me: "It's real. It happened. But it is not now."
(2) I started to be able to feel the warning signs of a memory. For me, feeling emotions that have nothing to do with the current situation meant that a memory was coming. Even though I knew that, when it hit, I was still re-experiencing it like before.
(3) Eventually, I would notice myself feeling triggered and think "oh, come on. not this one again. I know how this one goes and I don't want to hear about it right now. It sucks and I'm busy." But I would still re-experience it like before.
(4) A particular memory would become more like a painful movie playing in the background of my life for about a week. After a while, that particular memory would lose power over me. It won't come up unless I think about it, and even then, it's a painful memory, rather than reliving. I know where I am, and I can choose to stop thinking about it and go think about (or do) something else.
(5) Repeat step 4 ad nauseum with a bunch of different memories.

In my experience...
There will be joy. The awareness of the past can become bearable and not central.
There are feelings and they are hard - grief, fear vulnerability - but grief helps with making some peace, and confronting fear makes us brave and teaches us self-care, and vulnerability helps with connecting with other people. And coping skills and stuff help with feeling hope. And in this way, bit by bit, we heal.

 

[Sunshineturtle]

You may already know these things but:
You may have been hurt, and you may have DID, but you...

Thank you one step at a time. Yes, I know when one is coming.. I don't quite have the ability yet to stop it, or necessarily start it.. sometimes I can stop it and put it in my box until therapy, but sometimes I cannot or cannot make it present. That is hard because I cannot sleep when it's brewing. I just hate that I have to know any more of those that I have seen already. When I say that if I shared even half, most would not believe it. I struggle believing half the time.. they are horrendous! One day at a time towards healing. Thank you. Trying not to feel crazy each day.