My Broken Body

[IamFree]

I watched a wonderful movie called frida about the life of Mexican artist frida Kahlo. There is a scene when she is 18 and a bus crash she is in wrecks her body. She managed to have some sort of a life but her body never fully recovered and she died at 47 from her injuries. At the end of the movie she speaks of her body as judas for not working anymore.

I found this such a profound metaphor for trauma because it seems to me What has happened to me may not have broken my bones but my body feels smashed up.

I feel like I want to live but it just feels so tired all the time.

my muscles always seem to contract involuntarily.

my psoas muscles hurt form a life time of bracing for fight or flight.



No one ever protected my body or taught me how to so I let everyone and everything come in and take and do what they they wanted to my body..not to mention who I would not let but they still came in and did what they wanted anyway..sometimes I feel like my body is not really mine.

I am trying to live the life of an adult on the broken framework of an abused child. and when it wont do what its supposed to do people laugh and tell me I am weak and it just seems so unfair and wrong because I know I am not Ive had to use every ounce of me I had left and some more to get were I am now.

When I see the other guys bodys every cell in my body vibrates with pain...because I wish I had a body I could feel confident in.I cant imagine what its must be like. Idon't need big muscles or a six pack..just a body that feels like my best friend rather than my worst enemy.

So I feel disgusted with my body I feel hatred for my body I ignore my body I come down hard on my body . I fail to protect my body ....I have become my own abuser now

 

[IamFree]

this is part two...i found that so hard to write I had to take a break what i wanted to go on and write about was how I am going to help solve my bodys problems....First i will accept my broken body and love it unconditionally

I will listen to what my body is telling me even the bad stuff

I will learn how to not expect my body to be anything different to what it is right now while doing things which could help improve the situation.

I will learn how to protect my body in a way that is empowering I will be grateful for all it can still do which getting things into perspective quite a lot

I will learn how to have confidence in my body and respect its story.

I want the abuse to stop and this has to begin with me I shall learn to stop being my own abuser.

 

[Twilight]

I am soo glad to see the second part of your post. That is the true way to freedom. Give your body the love and acceptance it (and you) deserve. It is not your fault, none of it is.....Receive the love that is out there for you and your body....you are worthy of it, despite all that has happened to you.

 

[Thinkbig]

I identify with parts of your first post...living constantly in fight or flight and for me, sometimes numb. I am often stretching and trying to relieve the tension that I hold in my shoulders. I have to remind myself to relax and not sit like I need to protect my body.

I think one of the hardest parts of living with trauma is looking at other people as if they are different when in reality there are so many of us that carry our stories in different ways. Sometimes I have to be that overconfident person, the one that seems to have it all together. But inside I carry the pieces that are still healing.

I want the Abuse to stop and this has to begin with me I shall learn to stop being my own abuser.

Best quote ever! Learning to have compassion on our bodies...so hard. Just remember, you are so worth loving!