Is a paraplegic being a shitty person for needing their partner to help them with things instead of getting up and walking? Should they wait until they can walk before they choose to enter a relationship because relationships demand things that require walking? If they don't walk are they being a shitty partner?
(this is Urapet and...I forget the other anonymous names right now heh)
Nope, not at all. And someone going into a relationship with a paraplegic will hopefully have had a conversation of the limitations and abilities of their partner, because the "obvious" is right there. The details of what they can and can't do, and what they need or want their partner to do, are up to them to negotiate. What one paraplegic can do, and doesn't need or want help with, another may need and want assistance. They are only being a shitty partner if they don't communicate their needs, and expect their partner to just figure it out on their own, while vilifying the partner for not getting it right. It is still possible to use a disability as an excuse to abuse someone else.
In fact, a better analogy would be a paraplegic who (and I apologize for where this is going, but I didn't start the analogy) knows they can't control their bladder, and refuses to take any steps (like a catheter) to deal with it, while expecting their partner to clean up after them, clean them up, and constantly take care of it. And, while they may even have communicated this to their partner, that this is their expectation, I would imagine it's still shocking to encounter the first time, and becomes increasingly difficult to live with as it continues to happen, especially when there are ways to work with it. It may be shame leading them to not want to deal with it, but it CAN be dealt with. To continue the analogy, if I KNOW my partner has a catheter, and is doing all they can to work with their hygiene and elimination, but has the occasional issue with it, I can DEAL with that, and happily.
That's the problem with an invisible illness - we don't KNOW what we are getting into unless the person TELLS us. And part of the problem with PTSD is, everyone who lives with it is different in their symptoms, but with common traits and issues. One of those commonalities seems to be the shame behind it - so the people who WANT to be supportive don't know HOW to be supportive because the sufferer WON'T talk about it.
Using my own sufferer as an example - all he told me was "if I tell you to leave me alone, leave me alone." That's it. That's all I got. He didn't tell me he had PTSD (and why I stuck around while he was being awful, without knowing the root of it, is my own issue I'm working on), didn't tell me I needed to walk on eggshells, or what to do when he was screaming at me, or how to handle his vilification. I didn't know I needed to research PTSD to figure out what was going on because I didn't know that was the problem. I was lucky (?) he wasn't one to need to *really* isolate, until now. And I have to admit, he's doing really well, considering he can't just run away like he wants to. And you know what? Yes, some of the behaviors that seem to come with PTSD are SHITTY. The vilification, the raging, the name calling, all shitty to do to someone else. Does that make a sufferer a shitty person? No. It makes the sufferer someone who has a shitty illness. And yes, it can make them a shitty partner because it's those very behaviors that would, in a relationship with no PTSD, abuse.
And now, that the PTSD is out in the open, and I know and HE knows WHY he vilifies, and rages, because he is already in a committed relationship, there is a certain responsibility to figure out his shit and get help, or walk away. He's choosing to walk away. Just because it's a symptom that, literally, can't be controlled in the moment, doesn't make it ok to do nothing about the symptom. And it's definitely not fair to me to have kept his PTSD a secret, committed to me, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and then when it gets too hard, to destroy my life, too. (And I can already hear the "It's not fair we have PTSD! Life isn't fair! It sucks so much worse for us!" And you're right. It's not fair. It doesn't make it ok to hurt someone else because you're hurting)
There is help to be had. Those of us who research PTSD KNOW it will get worse before it gets better, and we still ask our partners to get that help, because THEY deserve to not just survive, but to thrive. And meanwhile, we recognize that isolation may need to happen, and all we ask is a reply to let us know they're coming back to us. And so we come to forums like this to make sense of it because our sufferers can't make sense of it, themselves.
PTSD sucks a million times worse for the person who has it, we know that. It's what you DO with your illness that makes all the difference. I, too, live with mental illness. And you know what? My partner, with PTSD, expected me to fix myself. It's one of the things he actually holds against me - that I stayed depressed for too long when I could have gotten help. Because I wasn't strong enough for him to be able to lean on, and wasn't strong enough to always stand on my own so I didn't need to lean on him, ever. And, to a certain extent, he was right. I didn't treat him badly, I just wasn't always the strong person he needed me to be, and that was on me. Just like it's on him, not for having symptoms of PTSD that hurt me directly because I KNOW he can't help that, but by refusing to do anything about them while still trying to maintain a relationship with me. At some point, it becomes an excuse.
I don't expect my sufferer to do anything he incapable of, especially in a PTSD spiral. But, when he is NOT in an episode, he also needs to admit his limitations, figure out what to do with new ones that arise, and realize that if HE chooses to have someone around in a relationship, there needs to be communication and respect. And if I, as a supporter, can't handle isolation, then yes, I need to deal with that, and COMMUNICATE what will happen if and when isolation occurs.
If a sufferer can't deal with what they've committed to, by being in a relationship, whatever that commitment may be, they aren't a shitty person. But it is possible their behavior is bad, and they might not be a good partner, especially if they can't even communicate it. At some point, we all have to own up to our behavior, regardless of the reason behind it.
