Freaked Out On Spouse Last Night

[Hefo]

Why did I drink? Ok we were at a function where wine was flowing. Get home and I got really upset, he's been checked out so much since I started to remember, I'm having to care for him sometimes. At the gathering I hear all these accolades from other women on what a great guy he is, and while there I smile and agree. But finally I cracked up at home. I know the alcohol was a factor but I also feel so rejected and unlovable and to hear he's catering to other stressed ladies when he's forgotten to feed our kids in the past week and I just blew.

Major f up. This is the 2nd time I have pounded my fists into his chest in the past 1-2 months. He reminded me this am.

I know that what I did was wrong. I do think that there is something f'ed up with him though too. I know I just need to hunker down in my own therapy this week and focus on myself no matter how screwy he is.

Blast it.

 

[Ucalu]

Are you a sufferer or supporter?

 

[Hefo]

Are you a sufferer or supporter?

Sufferer. Never been physically aggro like this. Ever. 1st time was right before I started to recall abuse ~1 month ago.

Went to a support group for incest this weekend. Hoping that will be a good addition to therapy for containing this stuff so I don't create new problems as I finally face the old sh%t.

 

[Zatur]

You may be diving into trauma material way too fast and instead need to work on increasing emotion regulation skills.

It's hard. Keep up the good work you are doing to heal and change. :hug:

 

[Binele]

You may be diving into trauma material way too fast and instead need to work on increasing emotion regulation skills....

thank you! (from original poster)

 

[Cekeb]

Why did I drink? Ok we were at a function where wine was flowing. Get home and I got really upset, he's been checked ou...

Well, your situation is not unknown to many abused victims. Many Many loosers act like that, they totally abuse the person they have at home and then behave like complete angels with the rest of society.

I have always wondered about people like that. Surely there is a psychological term for such an illness or condition.

Usually after studying such people I have always come across cold aggression, calculated individuals who will craft the lies about their own personas every day, meticulously working on an image that only exists within their own minds.

Someone please tell me what the correct definition is for that behavior or I will blow. Narcissism alone is not a strong enough definition for someone that is that messed up.

 

[Sawid]

Well, your situation is not unknown to many abused victims. Many Many loosers act like that, they totally abuse the pers...

(original poster again)
Yeah though I do want to be careful about putting him into one box or another. I know that we selected one another due to each having early neglect (felt so familiar!) and we each have skeletons in our respective closets. As I believe in my ability to be well I similarly believe he can work to address his own history of neglect and abuse. I am 5 yr older and realize that at some level I chose him because I felt safer with someone younger, however I also must accept that his trajectory will be different from mine, and not focus on his behaviors to avoid looking deeper at me.
I do see NP traits in him at times, curiously he actually researched NPD extensively out of concern that it might describe him a few weeks ago (a therapist noted that my mother and many of my previous partners fit this description). He is reading Allies in Healing, and I pray that this will launch him into facing his own buried pain when he feels able (fingers crossed it is soon!).

 

[Ehede]

(original poster again)
Yeah though I do want to be careful about putting him into one box or another. I know that we s...

OP again, I don't want to sound ungrateful for your feedback though, it helps to hear that at some level my anger makes sense, I see the inconsistency and imbalance and it is concerning! I do think it was reasonable to let him know that random acts of kindness are great however think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, Dude! And big picture/ consistency-- like for your dependent kids too, not just you-- ie getting hardworking ladies lunch when you get lunch is cool but when you tend to over-extend and thus in the same 5 days forget to feed our kids lunch and dinner while your wife is doing self care that is kinda lame.
Breathe breathe breathe.