Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[lux.]

I started playacting my abuse around three years old. And got into more intense play with dolls at around six.

I played some really f*cked-up make-believe scenarios over and over with a friend when I was 4 or 5. We took turns being the molester or the one tied up. And other, similar games of sexual abuse and exploitation. I don't recall being sexually abused before that...but where did a four-year-old come up with those ideas? It has been suggested to me by a few professionals that I may just not remember, based on a lot of other stuff, too--I suppose the adulthood trauma reenactments are a part of it as well. But there's just too much shame, so sex is long in the rear-view mirror for me.

I'll be honest, it kind of scares me that some people here have touched children inappropriately. I've never had any inclinations of the sort, but just because I had heard that most abusers have been abused themselves, a big part of the reason I refused to have children was that I worried what if I wound up abusing my child? My therapist told me that the statistical amount of abuse survivors who go on to perpetrate abuse is actually not that big. I'm looking for it online now and can't find a definite answer.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'll be honest, it kind of scares me that some people here have touched children inappropriately.

I did so at 14. A child still myself and still in the cult. It was the normal as I have never known anything outside of the cult at that time. However, it was only about 5 mins and it made me physically ill so though I had been in a cult since i was 6 and though it was my norm, though i knew nothing else, I still knew it was wrong. My therapist says that says a lot.

I had punished myself for years and years and years over it. I finally understand that it doesn't make me a pedophile or a horrid person or anything but a severally abused child that knew no better and was acting as I believed was the correct thing to do at the time and redoing what was being done to me at the time. As an adult I have never had a thought of doing something like that to a child. I finally understand why I did so and forgave myself for it. Which is big!

I refused to have children was that I worried what if I wound up abusing my child?

I had the same worry. I can't have children but today I have no doubt that I would be a good mom. I worried I would be a hoover mom but today I realize these fears aren't rational and my care of other's children and of children in general says that I would make a great mother. I will never have that chance but I dont have the fear of f*cking up a child anymore.

My therapist told me that the statistical amount of abuse survivors who go on to perpetrate abuse is actually not that big.

This is truth. I also said that since I gave in and killed animals by choice eventually, that I was a psychopath and my therapist asked "would you have if you weren't forced?" "Do you think psycopaths feel bad about killing animals?" Sonce this is how most serial killers start. Killing animals. "Do you think a psycopath would punish themselves over it?" I now realize I did so as a "i give in" and to reduce punishments. That trying to make a kitten my pet was a sign of knowing what was right and wrong in the mist of it all. I realize today that I have massive empathy and I could never abuse a child or anyone for that matter. So me, an abused, would never abuse. But I understand your fears and hope you find your answer. :hug:s

 

[lux.]

I get it. I have no idea what things are like in a cult. What kind of things they do to you. What you've described is awful. I'm very sorry you had to go through that. You are very strong to have come out of it and realized what they taught you was wrong even though it was all you ever knew.

Even if you can't have biological children, have you ever thought of adopting? I have never actually been interested in having children, anyway, even if it weren't for the PTSD. When I was younger, women used to tell me that in a few years I would change my mind and want children. Never happened. The standard life of husband, 2.3 children, white picket fence is not for everyone. I prefer my solitude.

 

[Iyllsa]

Because of my upbringing in an abusive and manipulative home, It was normal for me, that when I started to slowly be integrated more into the society that non affected people call "normal" I find it very unsettling. This is where my symptoms shine like the moon on a clear night sky.

I am most comfortable in situations where I may be in some form of danger. Nothing too extreme but an example would be when I used to have a few friends that would punch me quite hard. I was okay with it. Apparently I had a friend that would touch me in ways that hinted to sexual manners and I didn't even realize. She was one of my close friends for a while until we moved on to other things.

Sometimes I try to purposely aggravate my abusers to get them to hit or harm me in some way. As much as it hurts.. it's normal for me. It's weird explaining and thinking about it.

I am calm in chaotic situations though there are times when I'm dissociated during it. Unless it's something like an earthquake or the danger is represented in a way that it triggers me and does set me up to "feel normal/safe," I would be fine. After the event I may react which has been noted by my friend.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

The silver lining is that so many of these recreations I used to do and through years of work, life-changing events, heavy healing, and a great church community, I have been able to stop the majority of my old coping mechanisms (sex as escapism, dating abusive men etc.)

My main recreations are still allowing a certain level of abuse without realizing it's not ok until later, and then shaming myself for not realizing it. I feel guilty that I didn't "defend" myself or "stop it".

My main thing in the past was attaching and committing instantly to someone, even if I have misgivings about them or barely know them but they seem to be fantastic in surface ways. Then when they're not, feeling totally stuck but not leaving until I have no choice b/c they either reject me or I find out something egregiously against my values/non-starter (sorry I'm so sleep deprived i can't remember the word we use for not compro- oh, non-nengotiable right )

I still attach to people in two seconds, but at least after putting myself on celibacy and a 1=year dating fast I'm not allowed to get that close to someone so that helps me keep a healthy distance. I hate this fast b/c I love sex so much it's like the #2 thing I look for in a guy, but I'm glad for it b/c it stops me fro makinng absolutely stupid decisions using my hormones and defense mechanisms.

When i fnd someone attractive I completely gloss over their bad ualities until I almost idolize them. I hate this about myself but I get it too.

After begcoming a Christian I finally broke my dating addiction (I have spent more years dating or seeking a lover than being single - I started at teh age of 13).

It was a miracle and it sucks being celibate SO VERY MUCH, but when I see the amount of trouble I got myself into in my pursuit of sex and dating and approval through men (and women as well - I was lesbian or bi for many years too), I'm just thankful I'm out of that nightmare carousel ride.

Even now I really love aggressive and even slightly angry men (my abuser was my mother so not my dad per se, though he is an extremely critical, unaffectionate and judgmental man with lots of shame and repression) and controlling men to me are attractive and the "way a man should be". It's still hard for me to know what my line is b/w controlling and secretly insecure, versus a true leader in the Christian male "head of household" way. Perhaps tehre isn't much of an example in this world!

I used to be into Dom/sub and I still love it but it's hard to know how I'll be after this bout of therapy and my fast ends and I finally find someone to get me out of celibacy (namely, my husband). It feels like I'll never have sex again!

This is a very thought-provoking thread.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are very strong to have come out of it and realized what they taught you was wrong even though it was all you ever knew.

This is actully a work in progress as cult beliefs still very much rule me. But I am slowly coming loose from them. Hopefully one day I will be a person seperate from it.
And thank you!

Sometimes I try to purposely aggravate my abusers to get them to hit or harm me in some way. As much as it hurts.. it's normal for me. It's weird explaining and thinking about it.

I know exactly what you mean. I do the same. Punishment maybe? Not sure.

Christian male "head of household"

That phrase has been super abused in my life!

Dom/sub

Im DOM like a prostitue still. SUPER sexually aggressive and like non-stop sort of thing but then the guy "cracks" (getting christian pastors to "crack" was a thing for a long time) then I super Sub in bed. Do whatever you want to me and I will just lay there and beg you to hurt me more and more.

This is a very thought-provoking thread

It is isn't it?

 

[Powder]

What is the difference between re-enacting and abreaction?

There has to be different types of re-enactment, such as conscious, less/unconscious, Obsessive-compulsive, and deliberate/habitual.

Some consider cutting or self-harm to be re-enacting, but it may have no link to the traumas and may be a way of inducing a cascade of brain chemicals and opioid responses similar to using a drug to self-medicate.

I've heard all the above lumped under the category of "Coping mechanisms" and Negative coping, versus Positive.

I would agree with that. It has less to do with cultural assumptions, although that has to be in the mix, about what is "right" or "positive" for sure; however, anything that moves a survivor toward the trauma and its negative emotions is inherently negative, be definition. Anything that moves the survivor into new directions that have no relationship to the negative emotions or the traumas, then this is by definition change, learning, and growth. Regardless of cultural or belief opinions this can be evaluated with significant objectivity by the survivor him/herself.

It's a good thread. I think becoming more self-aware is the hardest and initial step in anything. Where you go from there depends on your life goals and level of functioning.

 

[holdenmonty]

I use to play a lot of first person shooters that were modern warfare related but realized it was getting to be a problem when I would get angry and frustrated with the lack of teamwork on the game and still be angry when I would stop playing the game.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What is the difference between re-enacting and abreaction?

Abreaction | Encyclopedia of Psychology

Re-enacting is just that. Redoing what was done. For me, many times emotions aren't involved at all. I do it cause that is what I am supposed to do. Or it is to punish for something. Or I redo a ritual because thats what god wants. It has nothing to do with feeling emotions for me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@holdenmonty, are you a veteran?

 

[holdenmonty]

@holdenmonty, are you a veteran?

I am.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@holdenmonty, it seems that many vets like shooting/war type of games. At least from what I have seen. That seems to be a re-enactment to me for sure.

I watch many things about cults and human trafficking and child porn victims and stuff like that. Not sure if that can be considered a re-enactment as I am not doing anything but watching it. I do get a bit obessive on researching it all though. Its a weird feeling that i would never be able to explain. That super obessive-ness I would call sort of re-enacting.