Scared to Death-- On the Verge

[cdunny]

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[carpediem2006]

You have to talk to your husband, is what I think. There is no point talking about it if you crash and burn. Noone would be supporting anyone in that scenario.

You can talk here easily as it is anonymous, as I could. I know it is not easy to talk about, but the one person who probably needs to know if you think the job could make you ill is your husband. You have to make the decision, but I find it hard to see how you can't broach it at all before making this change in your life.

 

[cdunny]

Well if I could talk to my husband I sure as shit wouldnt need a support group.

 

[DesertDweller]

CDunny,

This is something you should definitely weigh you pros and cons on. Joining the military is a huge deal and it is not like any other job you can walk away from if you dont like it! You sign a contract which is not easy to get out of, believe me, I did JAG for the Marine Corps and I have seen just about every excuse and attempt in the book to try to get out. You have to figure that the military invests so much time and money into training every single person that they are not very willing to let their investment go.

Now, not disclosing the fact that you have PTSD is a huge deal also. I am not sure if you know the process of entering the military or not, if I understand correctly your husband is military so he might have told you the process and I would hate to bore you with things you already know. Anyhow, there are a bunch of stuff you sign about disclosing all medical history. Legal mumbo jumbo but it can be used against you later on if your command chooses to.

Besides all that, think about time away. You have to go to your tech school and depending on what job you get some schools are over a year long, and as far as I know they arent too family friendly at that point and can be anywhere in the country. The military mentality is one on its own. Even spouses who are exposed to it dont really understand it, that is something you have to be a part of to understand. Mission first! I must admit the Air Force mentality is alot different than that of the Marines. The Marine mentality is much more extreme, but both are a hugely different from that of a civilian.

I am thinking that your husband is pushing for that for the benefits. In the military you will never be homeless or go hungry, they do take care of you in that sence and you have full benefits for spouses and children aswell as yourself. So you would be safe in that sence and maybe that is what he needs, a safety net. I must admit it is nice knowing that you cant get "fired" from a job and the benefits are good.

Do I make sense? I feel like I am rambling

 

[Deleted member 93]

cdunny, I think you need to tell your husband. I think if he knows you are going through a lot of the same things as he is it may motivate him after he gets done blowing his top. If you don't and go through with boot camp and the like you are going to be worse off than he currently is. You are at a fork in the road. Look at the long term and not the short immediate effect.

Right now you are trying to tell yourself you are stronger than this. And as much as a buzz kill as this will be, you are not. Not if you don't get into therapy asap. It only gets worse as long as it festers. It has to be addressed. It may not be what y'all thought your future would be like, but rarely is that the case with anyone.

The only right answer for your future and that of your family is come clean and move on from there. Personally I think the idea of joining the military is very noble, but joining it and already having PTSD before you even get in the door is a recipe for disaster and I cannot for the life of me imagine a senerio where that will come out good in the long run.

I know you do not want to tell him, but we all have to do things we don't want. It is the only way to get better.

 

[anthony]

CD, your husband should know. Let me be honest with you here, as I am ex military. Attempting basic training with PTSD would be as good as commiting suicide. You are going to have people in your face, you are going to be pushed beyond what you perceive your limits to be both physically and mentally. This isn't a challenge, but I don't think you would make it through basic training without serious disciplinary issues because of your PTSD. You will get deployed to the very countries where people get PTSD from doing things and seeing things that no human should. I did it with PTSD when I didn't know I had it, and let me just say, I would not recommend it. The only reason I got away with what I did is because I was running the show, not following it.

 

[cdunny]

I honestly appreciate everyones imput. I did ask for it. But here is my response and please respect it. My husband and I have a good relationship. We talk about how were feeling and we deal with it then. He knows my problems. He just doesnt know I have a "diagnosis" or where it stems from. I am not burdening him with that. I have recieved counseling. I have dealt with the Fear and nightmares as well as the anxiety. I have sought counseling through my pastor to deal with the guilt and shame. I no longer battle those issues. Most of the current stress I am dealing with stems from a recent move 4 states away from family and friends, my husbands new job where he is home very little and gets paid even less, and the responsiblity of being a new parent to a 9 month old. Yes, Im short tempered at times. Yes, I have cried a lot more lately. Yes, I feel like Im going crazy every once in a while. Yes, I have "PTSD".

But NO, I am not letting it control my life. Having a drill SGT in your face is a slightly different stress than not being able to sleep all night only to wake up to a filthy house you have to clean, a screaming kid all day long, Bounced checks, And no support system. Our current situation is not working out. Something has to change. I have thought long and hard about this decision. I do not feel as if I am being decietful in any way shape or form. I am not some sort of criminal for wanting to move on with my life after abuse.

I will not feel regretful for seeking help when I needed it. I will not allow someone elses sickness to put a stigma on me. I will not let it stop me from being a normal, productive member of society. I can do just as much as the next person. Every once in a while I need a push or a helping hand from a friend. Maybe just a word of encouragement. But we all need that, with or without PTSD. As far as I am concerned unless they can do a CAT scan and see some physical problem in my brain somewhere, then I am just as fit as the next person to serve my country. Maybe even more because I have the genuine desire.

I do have concerns, as people do with life altering decisions. Telling me Im not fit to serve b/c of my PTSD is no less offensive than telling a women she is not fit to bear and raise children because of hers. I do understand that some of you have served and have your doubts. But I am a strong person. I am determined and driven. I do not seek pitty or even understanding. But I do expect a little more support within my own community. PTSD is about healing and I will never heal if I let this disorder influence every decision I make. I will not heal if I attribute it to every discomfort, challenge, or hardship I may face.
I may try and I may fail at many things in my life, but I will not be deprived of the satisfaction that I DID try and that I NEVER gave up.

 

[anthony]

But here is my response and please respect it.

CD, I don't think this is a problem actually, because the community is here to support you. Your last statement about trying and failing outlines that we must do this, and that is how we learn after all, but I am going to mention things in here that has nothing to do with you, your husband or your capabilities, and I would like you to just think about what I say please and speak with local trauma experts about it if possible, so you can get that face to face interaction about what your putting yourself in for.

My husband and I have a good relationship. We talk about how were feeling and we deal with it then. He knows my problems. He just doesnt know I have a "diagnosis" or where it stems from. I am not burdening him with that.

This is your decision, and your decision alone, and I don't believe anyone is trying to force you otherwise, only provide their opinions from their experience. You know what is best for you. What is typical PTSD within your statement though, is that your thinking for your partner by saying, "I am not burdening him with that". He already has PTSD, so how exactly do you believe that telling him you have PTSD is going to burden him? This isn't an argumentative question either CD, just a question that I am curious about, because this type of thinking is predictive with PTSD.

I have recieved counseling. I have dealt with the Fear and nightmares as well as the anxiety. I have sought counseling through my pastor to deal with the guilt and shame. I no longer battle those issues. Most of the current stress I am dealing with stems from a recent move 4 states away from family and friends, my husbands new job where he is home very little and gets paid even less, and the responsiblity of being a new parent to a 9 month old. Yes, Im short tempered at times. Yes, I have cried a lot more lately. Yes, I feel like Im going crazy every once in a while. Yes, I have "PTSD".

Ok, here is the big part that I would like you to think about. You said, "Having a drill SGT in your face is a slightly different stress than not being able to sleep all night only to wake up to a filthy house you have to clean, a screaming kid all day long, Bounced checks, And no support system", however; what you basing all this on is your past trauma, and you are forgetting or missing what PTSD actually is.

Your sustained trauma which gave you PTSD. You healed from that trauma, however; your trauma you have healed has nothing to do with the PTSD you now have. PTSD is not just around whilst you have trauma, in fact is is caused by trauma, but once you have it, your actual trauma has nothing to do with the issues of PTSD within your future. You think because you have dealt with your past fears, anxiety, etc etc, that PTSD should no longer bother you. Your PTSD is already showing again, as a unique identity that PTSD is from your trauma, through your current feelings from just normal daily life stressors. Now add on top of these normal daily stressors and life stressors, employment within a high stress, high impact job, and then add PTSD.

This has nothing to do with your abilities, capabilities, strengths or weaknesses, it has to do with exposing your PTSD to a high stress situation on top of normal life stressors. You seem to believe that having a drill SGT screaming in your face is better than a toddler screaming at you. Ok, that is not an issue... but if that is what you perceive your military training to be like, then you are going to learn, and I hope for your sake, that you do cope as you believe you will. I am not talking about mistrusting your abilities, I am talking about mistrusting PTSD. PTSD is a seperate identity, and your trauma is just what gave it to you; though your trauma is unique from PTSD itself, and with you permanently waiting to come back out from any stress.

I have no doubt you know what your in for within basic training, because your husband has most likely told you as much as he can, but has he told you about the emotional issues surrounding training? People more often than not crack within basic training because of the emotional and mental stress placed upon you, not the physical tough stuff. You are going to be subjected to long term isolation from the world, your family and friends. You are going to go through times of riducule and hurt from the military and senior soldiers. You are going to be mentally pushed beyond your limits, and your past trauma has not one thing to do with this, only the end result of your past trauma, being PTSD.

My wife asked me once about operational deployment, and she couldn't see what was so hard about it, what could be really that tough because she had already served 17 years or so in the military and had faced it all. I couldn't explain it to her, only warn her about the realism, isolation and loneliness that she will endure, let alone any stress or incidents that occur on top of that. So... she deployed, and whilst she did what she had to do, she certainly didn't cope emotionally, she was highly stressed and her performance suffered because of it. Her deployment than also affected our relationship worse than ever, because I was in no condition to provide her the emotional support she needed so badly, and that was my failure 100% because of my PTSD.

You see, once you heal from your trauma, managing PTSD doesn't just cease, because it will come back and bite you every moment your mind allows it too. PTSD is about healing from your past, then managing your exposure to pressure, stress and future traumatic incidents, because one wrong move, and your back to where you started, depression, anxiety, nightmares, etc etc... hell, you can see it all over this forum, people work in lower stress jobs than military, and they are falling down. You are talking about people who are just as tough and determined as you are, trying to do the exact things they want in life, except forgetting about what PTSD is, and what it is not.

Please don't get me wrong, and I don't believe anyone else here has the intention of telling you what you can or cannot do, because I don't see that, I only see people who care enough to help you understand the decision you make and the consequences of those decisions, from their experiences. There is no right or wrong to PTSD, because we all learn and cope with it uniquely. What works for one certainly doesn't work for another, nor do we handle things the same. What there are though, are known facts in regard to PTSD, and am yet to see one person cope in a high stress role with PTSD, and maintain that role effectively without falling over each night when home, let alone when people who are in those roles then come home to normal family issues, ie. childrens needs and wants, still have to clean the house, still have to go shopping, still have to pay the bills, still need to relax at some point, etc etc etc....

I do not feel as if I am being decietful in any way shape or form. I am not some sort of criminal for wanting to move on with my life after abuse.

Your right, your not a criminal for wanting to move on within your life after abuse, however; when you sign that Government form declaring you have told them everything about your medical history, you are a criminal by the military if you sign it and have not disclosed all medical facts. Military law and civilian law are two completely different beasts, and why you may think you have rights under military law, I am afraid your guilty until proven innocent within the military. Military law is quite bulletproof to be charged under, and very few actually get off completely, because all militaries have the disclaimer charge, conduct unbecoming of a soldier, a charge that is still significant enough for them to discharge you, take money off you, lock you up for a short time even, and discharged dishonourably mind you, which means you are not entitled to one single piece of support or payment as a consequence.

I will not allow someone elses sickness to put a stigma on me. I will not let it stop me from being a normal, productive member of society. I can do just as much as the next person. Every once in a while I need a push or a helping hand from a friend. Maybe just a word of encouragement. But we all need that, with or without PTSD.

CD, I don't think anyone is really debating this with you, and honestly, anyone can do anything if they put their mind too it enough. Determination is what keeps us alive. If we lose the will to live, then we die, no issues. I am certainly not here to advise you to do anything you do, I am merely providing you more information for you to read, consider or dismiss, no loss to me, because its not my life. You are the only one who decides for you... until you join the military atleast, then you lose that right also.

Telling me Im not fit to serve b/c of my PTSD is no less offensive than telling a women she is not fit to bear and raise children because of hers.

This I disagree with you CD. Nobody here is telling you that your not fit to serve because of your PTSD. Your missing it totally. We're only telling you what the laws are in regard to disclosing your medical history because signing off saying you have done so. Let me just reassure you, when you join you also sign that the military has all rights and powers to check on any part of your history, and they do. You may get in first, you may serve for a year if your PTSD doesn't rise above you, but they will find out eventually, that is their job, intelligence. They find everything you have ever done, trust me, I have seen files that I didn't know existed on me, nor anyone for that fact, but they check the lot. You will mention something to someone at some time, it will always get back to superiors, who will then action it against you.

If you have been prescribed an anti-depressant before, it is sitting on a computer database against your name when searched. If you have been diagnosed with an illness, that diagnosis will be sitting on a medial database somewhere. Sure, it won't have the confidential specifics, but diagnosis is not confidential, especially the moment you pickup a prescription medication. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to the military, trust me on that... regardless, you will find out for yourself anyway.

I honestly wish you the best of luck, but the only support you won't get from me is condoning you to lie upon your entry medical. I cannot, nor will not support that. I can't stand liars to be honest, as its a form of deception, manipulation and self centeredness. A person that blatantly and knowingly lies, is as good a criminal in my eyes. You haven't yet done that... so I guess your true character will show soon enough to whether or not you disclose your PTSD to the medical examination. Just remember, the Governments all feed of the same databases, medical information, legal, etc etc... its all sitting there.

 

[cdunny]

you know just as good as I do that if I sit there and boowhoo about my PTSD that they arent going to let me in. This is what makes people not want to get help in the first place. I should have just dealt with it by myself. And I sure as hell never should have came and tried to find a support group. So either I tell them about some BS diagnosis and live with the knowledge that my attacker ruined my life. or I dont tell them and have you sit here and tell me I have no character. How dare you sit here and tell me just because you think your some kind of an expert that I have to make the choice between being sick and being a liar. Dont you put me in a category of thieves. If you dont want to support me. If you cant "condone" what Im doing, fine. But dont sit over there in your comfy little chair and attack my character. Dont try to bring me down to the level that you think I should be. You, nor the anyone else is going to put me in some sort of a box because I was raped. It wasnt my fault and Im not letting it ruin my life. Its no ones business. Govt or civilian, its a personal matter, and its not going to affect my ability to perform. Keep up the good work though. Pretty soon no one will seek therapy for fear of their job depending on it.

 

[scarlette_crimson]

Why dose it seem your that your babie is not in the picture?

CD
You are puting so much pressure on yourself to prove your so normal again
that it seems like your trying to run away from a huger then lif stresser at home.especially when your left at home with a baby and have PTSD at the same time.IT sucks I know sometimes I'd like to run away from my children and hubbie just so I can get a break.Most days do not have enough hours in it to deal with my problems and children.
IF yougo in the service you don't have to remember anything not even the stress of a child.
I think you are being mean to yourself.
It's ok to be unique.

 

[Andrea42]

Cdunny,
All i want to say to you is I am proud of you :)

::hugs::

 

[cdunny]

Hi scarlette. Thanks for the response. I do feel stressed being at home all the time with my little girl with not help. And I know what you mean by wanting to just runaway and get a break. But one of the main reasons I want to do this isnt to "runaway" its to be a better mom. I know that sounds crazy to a bunch of men out there. But a happy mom is a good mom. Im so worried that if the current situation continues It is going to have a horrible impact on my little girl. My husband gets totally stressed at work but is completely calm and happy with our little girl and I get stressed at home and am happy when Im doing something productive. If we can find the right balance our homelife will be much better and our little girl wont have to feel such negative affects of this disorder. There are big risks involved in such a decision. But I would hate to deprive my family of the life we could have if I make this decision. I dont want to be away from my little girl. I just want to be happy around her. I feel a lot worse about crying all the time around her, than I feel about leaving for a few months to give us a better life. I feel confident in myself and my families ability to handle this type of lifestyle for a few years. my original post was more of a vent because of being so overwhelmed lately. Sometimes I feel a little crazy and need to let it out so I can feel better again. Thanks for your support though.


Andrea2 Thank you so much. It means a lot.