Concerns In New Relationship - My First Since Mt Ptsd Diagnosis.

[SMW83]

Hi all,

I left an extremely violent and controlling relationship in 2013 and was subsequently diagnosed with PTSD owing to what took place during the relationship.

Due to this I have been unable to trust or engage with males since, however recently met someone who was the polar opposite to my ex partner and who made me feel safe, secure and content for the first time since the end of my relationship and PTSD diagnosis.

Recently I have noticed behaviours similar to those which I saw in my ex partner (i.e wanting to be with me at all times, even having to be in the same room with me should I have to do something elsewhere in my home - being overly clingy, in constant need of attention - when we disagree even if he is in the wrong, I find myself having to apologise and am made to feel bad that I've upset him even though he was the cause of the disagreement, amongst a number of other 'personal' similarities, which I do not wish to divulge on here).

I don't know, as this is my first relationship since my violent relationship and diagnosis, if I am looking for these behaviours or if it is possible that I find myself in the beginning of another overly dependent, controlling relationship (which could turn 'toxic' in the future).

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation and can offer advice? Does anyone feel I am 'projecting' these behaviours on to my new partner? Or does anyone think I a rightfully concerned?

Thanks in advance.

 

[hodge]

Just from what you say, I think you are right to be concerned. I don't know enough to know whether you might be projecting. But my general impression is that I think it would be useful to get into this with your therapist. Be totally honest with them about this relationship and see what they say. Good luck. I was already married when my PTSD came on, so I haven't gone through what you have, but I would say to just do your best to be honest with yourself and try to see your guy clearly and bounce off any questions with your therapist to ensure you are not getting into another abusive relationship.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Yes. I met someone who reminded me of my abusive ex, I had reservations, saw red flags, felt uncomfortable and unfortunately did not go with my gut. We got engaged in a month, got married and divorced in 16 months as he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me and my cats. I was able to get out of that pretty quickly considering, but it definitely impaired my ability to trust men. Fast forward to now and my incredible husband who has put up with more than his fair share of my insanity of mistrust, pushing away, and bad behavior. To have this unconditional love is such a gift and has taken a lot of getting used to.

 

[I need to heal]

Hi all,

I left an extremely violent and controlling relationship in 2013 and was subsequently diagnosed...

Hi SMW83,
Am new too. Left an abusive marriage 3.5 years ago of which took numerous DVO's/court cases to get him to leave us alone. He was intense in his control. I thought I had been doing okay & trying to stay positive, but on the inside was a screaming shattered mess.... so I started to write; this at first seemed to help me heal, but I think I was still numb & disassociating for a long time - I was hypervigilant too, couldn't stop & doing everything fast paced - I then engaged with someone online who were very powerful/senior people at my work - I told them my whole situation, of what happened; these people started to then bully/sabotage my work - they denied it was them which again messed with my head but still now continue to send messages thru to me to try & shut me down & control me. They bugged my work swipe card, monitored my phone, bugged my car - stole all my ideas & implemented them - taking all the credit, I was then shoved to the side & kept down - being bullied; these people even brought in a psycho employee which brought so much trauma back - at first I froze in shock, not wanting to believe these people were trying to hurt me. Over time they have tried to remove their trail of deceit - somehow I was still able to bounce back, but overtime further incidents arose & then since a car accident at the end of last year - I just can't cope. Intense migraines that wipe me out, constant tremors & shaking that I can't control - paranoia that people are still trying to hurt me, can barely manage to leave my unit, can't shut down or sleep, constantly breaking down, it feels like hell. I keep saying I don't understand why, why now - at all other times & with the enormity of what we have been through I was able to keep going but a good day now is being able to get in the car to go to the shop or moving from the bedroom to the lounge. Aaagghh.
When I first moved away, I hopped from one bed to a second, so desperate at the time & lacking any self respect. It took nearly two years to then let someone in to my life & home, but I still can't admit to a relationship. He too has suffered terrible trauma, so we just get each other I guess. But like you I get triggers from him which scare me & then I become confused, not knowing if it is him or me. I have this constant pull - push thing going on. We disappear off the grid from each other at times - part of the war zone of PTSD going on I guess - MIA - but then we find a way back. It's so hard, so we have agreed to now just be there to support each other as best we can. Anyone or anything I have learnt that messes with your recovery is not worth a further risk to your delicate health. As hard as it is for us not to do - you need to try & not overthink. Take care of you